mom

Not every person I meet is going to be mean to me, or disappoint me by not doing their job. Not every person thinks the worst of me as I do myself.  Often I am defending myself, or I am on guard or alert as if the at any minute someone is going to attack me or hurt me or ridicule me or frighten me. I do not need to assume the worst. Always. I can give the benefit of the doubt. I can stop making everyone my mom or my brother. I can inquire. I can research. I can pause and have a different response. My bullshit detector is good enough that I will be able to easily and swiftly separate the good from the bad. The safe from the dangerous.

I will continue to learn and grow and evolve into the change I wish to see.

and again

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]

I don't have words for my feelings of inadequacy at work. 

2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]

I need to say I am feeling better physically. My sugars are more controlled and in the safer range. I need to say I am doing this. I am going to keep doing this . I need to say I went to the gym three times last week and will do the same this week. I need to say that I believe in myself. I believe in myself.

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]

I swallow guilt and shame every day. It is a tyranny to my everyday abilty to thrive.

4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

People will stop loving me.

questions

From Audre Lorde

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]
I do not have words for the relationship with my oldest brother. I do not have word for push pull between where I once lived and where I know live. I do not have words for my values or principles.
  
2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]
I love my daughter
I fear for her health and self care and therefor her future
My choices for partners are failures
I try every day to be a good person to understand myself and the people I work/live with
I am lonely

I need to say that I no longer have community, feminist community. Part of what made my life possible was the women's movement which gave me feelings of empowerment, and then the gay movement which did the same at an even deeper level. Both worlds feel not as familiar and both seem out of reach for me now.

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after.
Fear of old age of sickness of not being able to care for myself
The scenes in my head of former abuse that play in  my head everyday
my fear of being abused again

 4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.)

People will not love or respect me.

steps forward

I renewed my gym membership which I had allowed to lapse. My goal is to get there 3 x a week. I have been once so far. My wellness, my fitness is poor. It was very revealing to me to really know how far I have fallen.  Wow. But I know how to do this. I know how to slowly build my fitness back up to where it was or maybe beyond.

I have also returned to work, and left the cocoon I was hiding in since the holidays.  There is an energy being around people. Sometimes I shy from it, but mostly I am energized by the connection and presence of others.

Was home last weekend and I wish I could just make up my damn mind about where I want to be. Here or there. I think there might be a part of me that likes having an escape route, each to the other. Maybe it is what I need.

From Lynn Breedlove
your mission should you choose to accept it today is:
1. say/do one positive thing.
2. even if it could use improvement.
3. encourage your people.
4. be good enough.
5. let something enrich your life.
6. lift someone up.
7. applaud someone without reservation.
8. avoid the alluring implication that you are morally superior.
9. that you are beyond reproach.
10. that you deserve/don't deserve more.
11. hope.
12. commit.
13. with every no, bring in three possibilities for which you will fight.

And for me this is next to work on.

THE AUDRE LORDE QUESTIONNAIRE TO ONESELF

oaluz:

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]
2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]
3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]
4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

one more day

sunday

work last week was very much work light.
not this week
this week all staff will have returned.

social security office
I am going to make an appointment and see what my options are.

sleep conquers all

i fell asleep last nite at 5:30 p.m. and woke up at 11:30 p.m. stayed woke til 3 a.m. went back to sleep until 6 a.m.

now on my second cup of coffee. some nights i go to sleep dreaming about waking up and having my coffee. i love my coffee. i need a warmer plate though. some of my friends at work have them at their desks. there is something else i can spend money on.

finished cleaning lazy susan. as long as every day i can check something off i feel like i am making progress. i am keeping a big list on the wall. i write it down and  cross off as i go.these are the simple joys. my goal is to finish in the house and move to basement storage. I need to plan it.  It would be good to dig in when landlady is away. change makes her nuts. well unless its her changes.

i need to decide what to keep and what to let go of and is there a method to do both.

when moving all the books last week i rediscovered a treasured book from when i was very young. The Scottish Tartans. I read about every clan. I was very intrigued with my father's ancestry and place of origin. My father's father, James was a foot soldier in the Queen's regiment known as the Black Watch. He was killed in the battle of Loos in France. My father's immigrant story was at first like a fairy tale, I romanticized it. Then when older I began to understand the incredible poverty he and his family endured and the how great the reward of immigration was for them.  My family had no land so therefor no tartan. But the tartan we can claim is my grandfather's black watch tartan.

The moving of the books, the reorg has brought back memories. I was in 7th grade when it started. I was taking a home economics class that had a sewing section. I started tracing dresses I wanted to make and wear. I had really good tracing paper and pencils from the stationery store. I also started making some clothes for myself.

list

write it down. get it done. check it off. repeat.

weekend again

that was a short week at work....nice... and today i have lunch with my friend and i have the liberty of the weekend all to myself. sigh of relief.

snow flurries coming. like that too. makes everything so quiet.

the reorg at house continues. I have made a good dent. finished closet this morning. Lazy susan may be next, or bathroom drawers. Then I get to start on the basement stuff. That work is more emotional. various emotional attachments to many of those items.  what to keep and what to let go of...it is a letting go process. and then sentimental feelings present resistance to letting go. i keep seeing images of  myself as an old woman alone looking at old letters and other items and it being my memory and my solace for living to long, having mementos to remember the good times. will i forget those people and times if i do no have the trinket to release the memory to me? and there is the guilt of what do i keep for my daughter who of course wants the same thing...

i went to work yesterday and it was good to be with people, it always lifts me. why can i not remember that when i am isolating? or maybe i only like hope of being connected, having the opportunity to connect with people. that is the happy feeling i get interacting with strangers. so easy to be really nice to people you do not know. you know the cash register clerk at the store, the deli gal,  the folks who repaired my watch saving me $, the servers at my favorite restaurant, the driver i let in the traffic lane, the shopper and their cart that i give wide berth to in the too skinny aisle, the librarian, nurses, med techs, all these folks you see once ... you have a perfect exchange...nothing bad happened....people think oh she is so nice....when really I am just so grateful for the connection and the safety of the moment where nothing bad happens.

my stupid haircut

yesterday I did something dangerous and very unlikely for me. I basically just walked into Aveda and asked for a haircut without knowing anything about the hairdresser...that was a mistake. It was a risk an so I am simply laughing it off as my stupid haircut. He had a not a clue and was well...clumsy kinda clumsy in his method.  But I am ever hopeful that I will find someone. Meanwhile I have made an appointment with Julie for one month from now. Correct the stupid haircut for a not stupid haircut.

i am going back to work today. sigh. time to face it all. time to fulfill my obligation to my employer.

so i worked on the closet. i only have one. simple. you would think. i took all the clothes that no longer fit-the 16 and 18 sizes and packed them away. What is left in the closet are only the clothes that fit. not much. not much at all. kinda empty.

2 weeks. ive been out of it for two weeks.

time for re-entry. I have isolated long enough.

and i must make a decision about my weight. yesterday i was shocked to see my size in the mirror when i was getting my haircut. wow.

closet

yesterday i started cleaning the closet. Oh and I cleaned out three of the four drawers under the bed. One to go. Closet is half way done. Im on a roll. It's avoidance and escape on a grand scale that says but its constructive activity Im cleaning, organizing, recycling, regifting, becoming a better person.

Ignore the facts
Not showing up at work.
No physical activity really, no working out, which I know makes me feel better.
Eating unhealthy
Coughing
Discomfort from fat
Farting all the time
Drinking wine
Sometimes forgetting meds
Binge television watching
Binge eating
Irregular sleep
Poor nutrition
High sugar levels
Depression
Continual self medicating

I know better. I have achieved great success but I never sustain it. I do not know what to do. I want to sustain success.

i dont really want to

I am making me write.  It is supposed to help a troubled mind, and or a broken soul. Heal what ails ya. I have been tepidly keeping a journal for more than 30 years. I say tepid because i do not do it every day. It varies on and off, but it preservers none the less. I have a deep drawer full of journals. I often think about going through each one chronologically and catching the gems. The little looking back I have done has not been so positive so I hesitate to really jump in and follow through on the idea.  But I keep writing.

Christmas vacation is over. I need more time but I can't take off any more time. I have to catch up on quite a bit. Well it always feels that way. No matter what I get done, I always feel like I have not done enough. I need to do more and do it better.

But wait I did accomplish some of what I wanted. I did get more organized at home, and I de-cluttered some drawers-moved books and book shelves and set up my desk area to distract me away from television- I did not renew amazon-I cleaned the refrigerator-cleaned u my living room mess- filed papers-so I feel I kinda cleared the deck-and I said I wanted to sleep. I did sleep. I slept a lot. I am still tired but I slept a lot.  I got to work on time this morning, remembered to bring a lunch and did not forget my phone. A good start?

oh gawd January 2017.

Wait here, I'll run and get help.

Lang may yer lum reek.

January 1, 2017. Here we go. Another new year.

My Dad loved new year's..well he loved the holidays, he was always in a good mood, happy, smiling, happy to welcome folks to the house, happy to make his eggnog with port wine, happy to give gifts. I think now, looking back, that he liked it so much because now he could buy gifts and give gifts, he was no longer poor. He so enjoyed giving to others. On New Years Eve and New Year's Day he and I would go first footing, to people's homes delivering fruitcake and bottles of scotch. He loved that and I loved doing it with him.

The most I could muster last night was dinner with friends, and conversation before and after. Done. I was awake at midnight to exchange texts with my daughter. I want sleep. As much as I can get.

It is a surreal new years full of political uncertainty and misery. I am not feeling my usual motivation.

I did runes last night-and I basically got-Examine self- Practice patience-Change is possible.  Those are good words to live by for the next twelve months.

The cats are my most loyal companions. They are my constant, my daily ritual partners. The love is mutual and unconditional and very soft.

Spending the day taking care or as always I am reorganizing the sock drawer-all drawers, kitchen and bathroom drawers, living drawers, bedroom drawers and closets,  and some basement storage reorg. I already did the books. 3 bookcases, 5 shelves each, each book moved and dusted, and replaced.

De-clutter. The acts of de-cluttering is so satisfying. I can be miserable-totally unsatisfied with life, the country, my friends, myself, but reorg at home in a contained space that is all mine and i get to make all the decisions about what to toss and what to keep and where it should now live in the space...is relaxing. It is never done and many spaces need to done over and over through out the year.

Those are my plans today.

I might get myself into work for a bit and see where i am at see how bad it is...make priorities.

Later that same day...

I did not go to work. I went to Plum. I smoked. Then I smoked some more. And I ate. And I drank wine. And with each passing minute i regret that I get closer to my vacation is coming to an end. Only one more day left.

sigh.

I would be happy to never go to work ever again. Very happy.