May 26

long day
productive day
creative day
problem solving day

Drew Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for myself. It was fun to do the coloring

Small things -if not corrected-become big things, always.

attempt to change my future

Operate from an internal sense of "this is right"-Audre Lorde

The lemons spite me by shriveling up and turning ash green. Lemons famously hide themselves from me to roll off and die in the corner. the lemons remain unaware of my familiarity with that same feeling..to roll off into the corner and turn ash green. I know the feeling.

The amputation of my breast in a profit economy and my refusal to rebuild it is a daily reminder of the quick loss of power. Without cleavage I feel powerless. It is not the absence of one but the lack of a pair that is most difficult. I cannot accept it. 13 years later I am still angry. But I have never felt guilty about surviving. 

I recently made a left turn and I wished I had not turned at all. And now I have another big decision a head of me. So soon after having made a colossal mistake I worry about making another one. 

A budding opportunity is gaining oxygen. Ujima needs a managing director. Do I take the Ujima job and go home to Buffalo. People -many- want me to come home. It is finally spring and many dormant lives are pushing up from under ground. 

i don't know what to do with my pain. I am very scared.

contemplative practice

now why did I leave Buffalo?

Lorna

I met Lorna at the Center For Positive Thought. James introduced me to her. I signed up for her acting class. And she assigned the book, Woman and Nature (The Roaring Inside Her) by Susan Griffin. That was the beginning of our 40+ year friendship that became a sisterhood and family. Yesterday I learned she may not live a month. Breast cancer has returned. It is in her bones, spine, liver and around the brain. I'll be saying goodbye to one of my oldest and dearest friends. It hurts. I'll have the book but she will be gone. Surreal concept don't you think? One reason I love books. I can the memory that is attached to the book. The memory is as important as the book.

5/24/2020

Struggle every day. 

The first time I walked into a room of people to whom I did not have to explain myself.  I was understood without having to explain who I was. What came as an additional gift was the freedom to explore who you might want to be. There was a growing force for change and those of us who believed gathered at places like the Center For Positive Thought. Indulging my fears would have destroyed my life and my daughter's life. The only choice for my survival was self empowerment. 

fried green tomatoes

And then there was Fried Green Tomatoes featuring two women in love, making it, alas yes a lesbian dies in the end but one lives!  And they kill the bad guy, It was damn beautiful. 1991. I was 38.

Girl crushes for me started very young. There was the butch at Braymiller's feed store, 1958. Susan Hayward was my favorite Saturday Matinee Movie Star, and I had a crush on Barbara Stanwyck. Then at Grier, my all girl boarding school. Dino, or Denise Schneider, I never tired of her company. She was very kind. Until she dropped out of sight after graduation and I never heard from her again.

indecision

I am fearful of picking the wrong answer. Picking? That was an odd work choice. Picking. Do we have a choice, do we pick what we answer and how we answer? We do if we lie a lot. As I child, adolescent, teenage and adult I held a very big secret, so I lied a lot to cover for the secret.  To keep it a secret forever so that people would continue to love me. I still lie to this day about it, to protect me. I mean how bad could it have been? I forgave while he was still alive. I forgave him the first time he asked me for forgiveness. 

Myself? No I have not forgiven me. And when I forgave my brother for years of sexual abuse I did not yet completely grasp the full effect of that abuse. Hell when I started therapy,  in 1969, the professionals knew little to nothing about women in general, let alone women who suffered trauma. Many professionals were clueless and didn't understand why we were making a fuss.

In 1977 I was escorted off the stage by Erie County Sheriffs at a public hearing on the county social services department budget. I pointed out that there was no money allotted for social workers to be trained on emerging issues in the field such as rape prevention, and increased reporting of incest. 

Incest. I said that word outloud and I was removed from the stage and the microphone. You will not use that language not while I am in charge. Back when the use of a word in certain company, word choice was a greater crime than the actual committing of said crime. Some crime was not discussed it was so taboo. Thats where I started.

5/14/2020

The unprecedented times continue. No one knows what is really next or what it will look like or feel like. It is unknown and so it is possible that is making my life feel pressure to be more intentional.  But I am not sure that I am. I am listening to more Brene Brown. Playing less solitaire on my phone. Petting the cat more. 

I have always believed that my story my truth was too ugly to be said aloud. I have always believed the world will stop loving me and never ever love me again if everyone knew.

And discerning the truth of my life has always been important for me to discern and to understand on some deeper level.

I continue to believe myself unworthy of forgiveness, understanding and unconditional love of myself. I never feel safe, not really. Advancing age adds to those feelings of not being safe.

This free time I have now-free to explore-free to examine-to begin new habits, I need to re-calibrate. Fresh point of reference. For too long my point of reference has been being the victim. Shame, and anger, but mostly shame. Feeling outside the norm. I need a new frame of reference.

How do you find, is it find?  How do you find a new frame of reference? DO you just choose a new one like ordering lunch off a menu or is it more of an obvious life choice. 

Fresh as in new, as in not one I've had before. Fresher than springtime it is...

Definition of recalibrate

transitive verb

: to calibrate (something) again… these systems gradually drift off course so that the navigator periodically needs a fresh point of reference to recalibrate the navigation system.— Stefi WeisburdThe problem is that eating more doesn't sate us; we merely recalibrate how much we think we need.— Nando Pelusi
Definition of point of reference

: something that is used to judge or understand something else

something that is used to judge or understand something else. i use my values to judge others. values i learned from my parents. values I learned from teachers that I admired and believed in. values i learned in novels by steinbeck and betty smith  and later eileen myles' poems and stories or in toshi's music. 

all the many and varied self help strategies such as cognitive therapy, im ok your ok, tarot, horoscopes, psychics, transcental Parent Adult Child, massage therapy, crystals, wiccan practice in a coven, yoga, tai chi, labyrynth walking, meditation, prayer beads, altar, day of the dead practice, the artists way, writing workshops, self defense workshops, 

Not sure what I know

Not sure what I know. I have been the Sherlock of my life, my actions, my feelings, my lack of decision, my reactions vs my inability to respond calmly. People talk about my passion when being polite in describing their personal interactions with me.

Weeks ago I told the therapist that I was going to write. This is my first attempt.

Abort abort

Next day Tuesday May 12, 2020

My day to talk to SSI
They are not allowing me to open an account. It is a dispute over my identity. My name. Margaret Elliott let go of 43 years ago in my divorce. And my name Margaret Mary Smith. The call is at 11:30 A.M.