indecision

I am fearful of picking the wrong answer. Picking? That was an odd work choice. Picking. Do we have a choice, do we pick what we answer and how we answer? We do if we lie a lot. As I child, adolescent, teenage and adult I held a very big secret, so I lied a lot to cover for the secret.  To keep it a secret forever so that people would continue to love me. I still lie to this day about it, to protect me. I mean how bad could it have been? I forgave while he was still alive. I forgave him the first time he asked me for forgiveness. 

Myself? No I have not forgiven me. And when I forgave my brother for years of sexual abuse I did not yet completely grasp the full effect of that abuse. Hell when I started therapy,  in 1969, the professionals knew little to nothing about women in general, let alone women who suffered trauma. Many professionals were clueless and didn't understand why we were making a fuss.

In 1977 I was escorted off the stage by Erie County Sheriffs at a public hearing on the county social services department budget. I pointed out that there was no money allotted for social workers to be trained on emerging issues in the field such as rape prevention, and increased reporting of incest. 

Incest. I said that word outloud and I was removed from the stage and the microphone. You will not use that language not while I am in charge. Back when the use of a word in certain company, word choice was a greater crime than the actual committing of said crime. Some crime was not discussed it was so taboo. Thats where I started.