let cats out

wake let cats out pee boil water make coffee take meds write watch tv facebook email let cats in pet Crash  eat wash dress cry drive type make tea type call talk email  type facebook call drive eat type talk write plan talk pee email call write drive post office workout drive get mail eat cry pet Crash pet Jump watch tv pet Crash  Jump pee take meds sleep...

no wonder I am depressed

I  cry in grief every day of my life. who cries every day?
I do I cry every day of my life for as long as I can remember
I remember a bright little girl so very curious about her world...and then I started crying every day and still do
now I look in the mirror and see an old woman who's life is diminished by age and illness and disease who works because she needs meds and needs meds so she works..i miss my bohemian life...waking every day again to be curious and have hope of my world my neighborhood.
not much of a life
now I wake in a city where few know me and no one really needs or wants me for anything other than going to lunch or dinner
relief comes when I go to the theatre or to ums or to a movie or to um to see holly or larry
the best days are spent with kate carmen and sarah but they are too few...too few

yesterday donna snyder told me she was shocked that I was turning 60 she thought I was 45. lol. yesterday I spent 70 to get a haircut I hate. seems what I do in ann arbor. in bflo I moved in ann arbor I get bad haircuts. and it makes me so upset...I don't recognize me in a lousy haircut.

brussel sprouts and bacon

making my favorite breakfast. kate got a terrific job offer yesterday. proud of her diligence...hanging in there.

no pot today. all gone. the question is can I not buy it today. will I recommit to my job and get busy vs my everyday escape as of late.

who will take me to my surgery on Friday?  what will I do when I turn 60?

why am I alone? I have been alone for most of my life. am I always recreating that because that is what is familiar and I recognize it and anything is unrecognizable to me?

will I write every day? will I make the hag video? how will I celebrate my 60th bday? here or in bflo? big party or a beach house to hang out in with my friends over the summer?

day one no pot...how long will I go?

and it continues....

I have a choice. I can keep smoking pot and fucking up and loosing what life I have left, Or I can leave it. Stop buying it. Stop buying it for others. Stop hurting my lungs, my body. I have put on 10 pounds  (I am guessing) after all that hard work. I returned to the familiar. I stopped working out and my lower back pain came back. I am numb emotionally but feeling physically sick. I was lonely so very lonely after Kate left. We had a wonderful  time. Wonderful. It was a treat to have her company every day. To wake up with my daughter here was just so wonderful. And now my deepening depression and bad choices has made me loose the new me. The one who was taking pretty good care of me. Gone. Is this what I really want?

falling in to the abyss

I have done it again with all the predictability I have come to expect of my self. I bought pot for Jared. Split it with him. Bought pot again and then again. So I am now nearing the end of a 3/4 of an ounce of pot,  smoking since Friday last. it has been seven days of wake and bake and I am putting on weight because I am eating a lot.Not present at all and missing work for three days. Just popping in and doing the least required and then disappearing home to invisibility. Absence of presence.

manifesto

I realize that my self doubt, and an internalized hate and sorrow about me has to stop. It is chronic and complex, some of which is tied to my ptsd. I am miserable in my spirit. I criticize everything about myself and others. In the days since the accident I have struggled to sleep, struggled with tears, considered suicide yet again. .
I miss creating theatre. I fear loss of income to get back to it. But more than that I fear being good enough. I need  manifesto that I create to help live my life with compassion and love. To live an ethical life and embrace all of my life experience and forgive me forgive me forgive me..
Manifesto
Stop hating myself and accept me for what I am...I am what I am and I deserve my own love.

email to Trish

 Below is a copy and paste of an email sent to Trish...

had a bad day. I had an accident this morning at 7 a.m., in the rain and pitch black. I hit a pedestrian that I did not see. He hit my windshield and bounced off, but landed on his feet and walked to the side of the road. He is okay. I  ran over to him asked are you okay, omg I didn't see you I am so sorry. I am so sorry.  Asked him to sit down. He refused. He said only his elbow hurt. All I could think was I could have killed him. Every time I apologized, he just ignored me. Police came, ambulance and the paramedics checked him out, and said he seemed okay. He refused treatment at first but I insisted that an ambulance be called and he be checked out. The officer was very polite to me, very kind. He told me "It was dark dark,raining, he was dressed all in black, I don't anyone would have seen him." I got a ticket for failure to give the right of way to a pedestrian. It is a misdemeanor. It was very scary and upsetting.. My windshield was destroyed. No other damage to my car. But I am pretty shook up. Have a bad headache and feel very bad about it. 

My day started in a very different place. I have been taking walks in the woods the last week or so. Replaced swimming with this 50 minute walk up bird hill nature preserve. And I like it. I had a breakthrough on my walk last night. And wrote of it this morning. I wrote of feelings and thoughts that I have never before allowed into my consciousness in a fully formed series of thoughts. It was a relief to write it out but disturbing too. But I felt okay you are taking steps into the unknown but they are good steps. Keep on writing about it.

Showered, dressed, made lunch, packed up for gym and left for work...and hit a man with my car by accident. And thought of it as a punishment, hand of god from heaven blame for what I had written. I do not even believe in god. But goddam if it didn't pop into my head and torture me. I don't think I was careless in my driving. I came to a stop at the stop sign and thought will I go up 4th and park or do I want to turn left and park on Kingsley. I choose turning left. I started to turn and as I got in the cross walk that is when I hit him. Poor guy. He must have head his down, he was wearing a hood too. 

I worked hard to stay present. My PTSD is hankering in on me. But I feel vulnerable and alone. I am afraid that I might be sued although he refused hospital treatment, said he was okay, and he was not acting like someone who was building a case. Still I am worried because he was stubborn and nvere looked at me or accepted any of my apologies. Could be shock, and anger, could be his personality. Time will tell.. Rest of day was insurance, reports wind shield repair...

The hard part for me now is disconnecting the early morning breakthrough and truth telling of the hard kind from the subsequent accident and guilt...sigh.

Yesterday was a memorable day. I hit a pedestrian with my car. He is alright. He was seen by paramedics who declared he was okay. I feel bad. I didn't see him, it was dark, no street light, raining and he was dressed in black. The car windshield shattered and I was given a ticket, a misdemeanor for failure to yield to a pedestrian. I am relieved from my initial shock that the man is okay. I am still feeling the aftermath. My muscles are achy and I have a headache.

When it happened I had some bad thoughts. Was I being punished? Here was proof I am bad. A diary entry admitting shame and guilt that has hung over me for years cannot be thrown off through a meager confession.