and it continues....

I have a choice. I can keep smoking pot and fucking up and loosing what life I have left, Or I can leave it. Stop buying it. Stop buying it for others. Stop hurting my lungs, my body. I have put on 10 pounds  (I am guessing) after all that hard work. I returned to the familiar. I stopped working out and my lower back pain came back. I am numb emotionally but feeling physically sick. I was lonely so very lonely after Kate left. We had a wonderful  time. Wonderful. It was a treat to have her company every day. To wake up with my daughter here was just so wonderful. And now my deepening depression and bad choices has made me loose the new me. The one who was taking pretty good care of me. Gone. Is this what I really want?