Railer

I can rail away in the car while driving. I have these imagined battles with adversaries and of course I always win against the perceived injustice. usually putting the offender on notice not to mess with me. My sharp tongue and hostility discharged inside the car. I play the scene out and out-loud and I can really rail. A railer.
1. to utter bitter complaint or vehement denunciation (often followed by at or against):to rail at fate.
2. to bring force. 

Yes, that is what I do. I rail at or against folks who I feel will harm me or people whom I believe have harmed me. People who are living to a standard I can respect is where it lands. I often meet it with force or I practice the force with which I will meet it. Each time I discharge

 Leaving some of the negative influence behind me and eventually I get to a calmer more reasonable place. Maybe I am discharging from my past or from my snake brain. And sometimes I rail at my fate. I have railed against my family members with old complaints like my mother or brother or former lover.

Sometimes in a calm mood I will tell myself or some imagined audience a story. Sometimes the stories are true and sometimes they are made up.

It feels safe inside the tomb/womb of the car. I can say anything and it is safe. As the sole audience and performer I am not at risk and yet I am not really being vulnerable. I have my shields up and my sword out. But I may be in battle only with myself or parts of myself. It harms no one. Passengers in nearby cars most like now believe I am speaking on the phone speaker or are of no consequence to me because they remain anonymous drive-bys. Is this because no matter where I am I never feel safe? Is it that I never feel my hostility can be exploded or discharged anywhere but here where it harms no one? That might be it. I never railed against one brother that abused me, but did rail against the other. One brother was kind and gentle in his approach to abuse me, he coerced me into his needs for affection and sexual discharge and the other was loud and angry and mean. My sister left when I was five, leaving me behind. None behaving in an expected or accepted way. None doing what should be done but doing what should never be done to another.  I think I am feeling that rage that isolation and fear and I get angry and defend myself....not against what is happening but what happened then. 50 years later I am railing still.

Opinions of others

Staff 360 evaluation happening at work. I always struggle with this process.

Makes me uncomfortable to fill them out on my co-workers. I never say what I really want to say...A is transparent and a princess and self absorbed, B is lacking sincerity and is too cavalier and does not respect boundaries, C has  narrow life experience and makes his judgments poor D always pushes her responsibilities off on others to keep her job easy. I do not write down what I think. I put the filter on and diplomatically only focus on the positive on everyone. Why is that? Something in me is not approaching the process properly. I can actually feel that. There may be things in the process that are corrupt, but I am taking it personally .. maybe more than I should...I am not looking at the process objectively...maybe if I could look at the process objectively I might be able to see where my actual discomfort originates.
That acknowledgment is progress...Historically My first reaction is defensive...these people are not qualified to judge me...it was not a request that originated from me. I then I immediately dismiss them and their opinions. The coin flips and I tell myself This is a way to learn about yourself. Then I reject it. And then I tell myself others you respect,  respect this process. And so I go back and forth.

Corrode Shame

I will to take actions to corrode my shame. I will change. I am capable of change. Change needs more than my desire for it, it needs room and roads to grow and travel. To strengthen that part of myself capable of change,  I will bring my shame into the light to diminish the amount of space it takes up in my soul. The part of me that believes I can change and have a life with joy and even bliss. Shame grows in the dark corners of myself that I withhold from the world and inside where I think no one can see it. It grows in the long held beliefs of a little girl who decided no one would love her if they knew - if they really knew what I had done, and those actions that still play like a movie of the week in my head every day. The more I hide in my shame the more it hurts me. I experience its effect in ways I probably do not completely understand and in ways that I am beginning to understand. Write it out. The expression here that is gaining space in my life feeds the courage I have always had. The courage that even at age 12 found ways to protect my soul. The feisty activist capable of critical thought and making change in my community, and creating change as I did through all the many actions in the social change and or social justice movements I worked in. Now I will call upon my feisty activist, call for that warrior to make change for me, because when all else has faded away I am left with my self and my need for support, self love and change. Creating change for me one step-thought-word-memory-one enlightened moment after another after another...creating change along the way.

vessel

Yesterday I learned about how abuse/trauma makes one like a vessel with cracks, leaks and holes also rigid and inflexible always discharging emotion and feeling. I like that as an image. In other words when the PTSD symptoms come and  I discharge the feelings through the cracks because my soul or my spirit is unable to "hold" or experience emotion or feeling.

When I described the recent incident at work....the meeting with 3 co-workers, the result of action by me in response to co-workers unintentionally, but nevertheless, exposing me and making me vulnerable, I talked about how I used the practice of presence to feel present in the meeting...and the shaking...or trembling that I felt during that meeting when I spoke...Allison says that was me being present and feeling my feelings ..not discharging emotion....not disassociating....and the trembling was change happening in me and the super-ego fighting the change, shaking me to discharge as I always have. As a vessel in that moment I was not a broken or hard one but a contained and flexible feeling the moment.

 From that came wisdom....knowledge to be used again.

We talked about my not talking at the Monday evening mediation meetings. I am pretty quiet at Monday meetings which I think is a way to practice presence...to not be a jabber mouth. But it might also be a way to discharge. It is probably both. Also in groups I am usually the group facilitator in charge but not here...others are and I do trust the group leader which makes it possible foe to attend and participate . Allison is encouraging me to play with the edge of this. I may talk more in Monday night meditation group.

We talked about sex because I asked a question... how come in my corrupt relationship with Marilyn based mostly on sex which replicated my relationship with my brother, I felt so very present during sex. She responded "because sex is a portal to feel present, a very powerful place of energy, pleasure, joyful, full of thrills and connection, especially if it is good sex, and for you, clearly an important thing." It was a way for you to feel grounded and joyful.

That is a new spin on my incest experience and illicit affairs during my 30's and 40's and a view without shame..most unfamiliar.

Finally she said... seems like you have a voice that has a lot to say...

We talked about how fast I talk, how I push it out. She asked me to slow down and speak and asked that I observe the difference in how that felt. Allison asked to experiment with slowing it down and to stop pushing and to be present with my words...

I will.

Fool Moon

 Was a beautiful night. As I was leaving the event I heard a familiar Tom Waits song and saw a large group of people gathered around as audience, as I approached drawn in by Tom's voice I saw these beautiful women performing.Their astral appearance captured me in an enchanting embrace. I was sad when their performance stopped but gladdened by the unexpected beauty of a moment...

movement

I have movement in my life and in my spirit

I have worked hard to relax into a comfort of acceptance of self and although I have a long way to go I am making progress. I am easier on my self and as I have gained self acceptance I have also become less critical of my daughter ...

My relationship with Kate has grown into a better place and I feel good that my efforts have been open hearted and deliberate...I took responsibility for being too critical of her...too tough...and became more accepting...my goal was for her to know that she is loved, and that she love herself. That when I am gone she will remember the good moments and remember and KNOW her mother loved her. For me and my mother I had to figure that out..it was after her death that she stopped being a threat...and then I could emotionally begin to understand her as a m other and a woman and understand all the elements of our lives that kept us apart as mother and daughter..she was in her way a remarkable woman, lacking the tools to examine her emotions and understand them...but she was smart and determined and creative.

As am I ..

This week I have gone to the gym 4 days in a row and am slowly building back into a strong exercise program. I might go swimming today now that my surgery incisions are completely closed. My sugar levels have been good and I am eating healthier..I am remembering to test too. I feel better physically and I am happy that I am taking care of myself...

And I cannot drink. I drink more than I should. Like a bag of potato chips, or a bag of pot..I keep consuming until it is all gone. .. if it is there I will eat  smoke until it is gone...it seems to be about something like if I don't get it now...I gotta figure that out...I went out with Jared weds night for cocktails I had too much and he and Sue drove me home. Embarrassing. So back to unsweetened ice tea or soda and cranberry juice...

Sad for me to see but a good reminder of a person repeating what they know over and over even if it is self destructive ..she has a crisis ...starts to melt down...takes steps to get some help including therapy but once the new anti depression meds take holds and she is calm she is now back to smoking pot and gambling and no longer concerned about her future...she has gone back to her ormer tools which do not serve her well...so a good reminder for me that when I go back to food and pot smoking I am doing that same thing...

loosing grounding

yesterday
at work was rough

I felt exposed and vulnerable
ridiculed and disrespected

I tried to stay present and grounded and respond appropriately.

what may have taken months before-when I would experience a ptsd episode-months of processing-took a few hours. I had two yesterday and one I dealt with by walking it off and the second by going to gym and working out.