vessel

Yesterday I learned about how abuse/trauma makes one like a vessel with cracks, leaks and holes also rigid and inflexible always discharging emotion and feeling. I like that as an image. In other words when the PTSD symptoms come and  I discharge the feelings through the cracks because my soul or my spirit is unable to "hold" or experience emotion or feeling.

When I described the recent incident at work....the meeting with 3 co-workers, the result of action by me in response to co-workers unintentionally, but nevertheless, exposing me and making me vulnerable, I talked about how I used the practice of presence to feel present in the meeting...and the shaking...or trembling that I felt during that meeting when I spoke...Allison says that was me being present and feeling my feelings ..not discharging emotion....not disassociating....and the trembling was change happening in me and the super-ego fighting the change, shaking me to discharge as I always have. As a vessel in that moment I was not a broken or hard one but a contained and flexible feeling the moment.

 From that came wisdom....knowledge to be used again.

We talked about my not talking at the Monday evening mediation meetings. I am pretty quiet at Monday meetings which I think is a way to practice presence...to not be a jabber mouth. But it might also be a way to discharge. It is probably both. Also in groups I am usually the group facilitator in charge but not here...others are and I do trust the group leader which makes it possible foe to attend and participate . Allison is encouraging me to play with the edge of this. I may talk more in Monday night meditation group.

We talked about sex because I asked a question... how come in my corrupt relationship with Marilyn based mostly on sex which replicated my relationship with my brother, I felt so very present during sex. She responded "because sex is a portal to feel present, a very powerful place of energy, pleasure, joyful, full of thrills and connection, especially if it is good sex, and for you, clearly an important thing." It was a way for you to feel grounded and joyful.

That is a new spin on my incest experience and illicit affairs during my 30's and 40's and a view without shame..most unfamiliar.

Finally she said... seems like you have a voice that has a lot to say...

We talked about how fast I talk, how I push it out. She asked me to slow down and speak and asked that I observe the difference in how that felt. Allison asked to experiment with slowing it down and to stop pushing and to be present with my words...

I will.