Railer

I can rail away in the car while driving. I have these imagined battles with adversaries and of course I always win against the perceived injustice. usually putting the offender on notice not to mess with me. My sharp tongue and hostility discharged inside the car. I play the scene out and out-loud and I can really rail. A railer.
1. to utter bitter complaint or vehement denunciation (often followed by at or against):to rail at fate.
2. to bring force. 

Yes, that is what I do. I rail at or against folks who I feel will harm me or people whom I believe have harmed me. People who are living to a standard I can respect is where it lands. I often meet it with force or I practice the force with which I will meet it. Each time I discharge

 Leaving some of the negative influence behind me and eventually I get to a calmer more reasonable place. Maybe I am discharging from my past or from my snake brain. And sometimes I rail at my fate. I have railed against my family members with old complaints like my mother or brother or former lover.

Sometimes in a calm mood I will tell myself or some imagined audience a story. Sometimes the stories are true and sometimes they are made up.

It feels safe inside the tomb/womb of the car. I can say anything and it is safe. As the sole audience and performer I am not at risk and yet I am not really being vulnerable. I have my shields up and my sword out. But I may be in battle only with myself or parts of myself. It harms no one. Passengers in nearby cars most like now believe I am speaking on the phone speaker or are of no consequence to me because they remain anonymous drive-bys. Is this because no matter where I am I never feel safe? Is it that I never feel my hostility can be exploded or discharged anywhere but here where it harms no one? That might be it. I never railed against one brother that abused me, but did rail against the other. One brother was kind and gentle in his approach to abuse me, he coerced me into his needs for affection and sexual discharge and the other was loud and angry and mean. My sister left when I was five, leaving me behind. None behaving in an expected or accepted way. None doing what should be done but doing what should never be done to another.  I think I am feeling that rage that isolation and fear and I get angry and defend myself....not against what is happening but what happened then. 50 years later I am railing still.