movement

I have movement in my life and in my spirit

I have worked hard to relax into a comfort of acceptance of self and although I have a long way to go I am making progress. I am easier on my self and as I have gained self acceptance I have also become less critical of my daughter ...

My relationship with Kate has grown into a better place and I feel good that my efforts have been open hearted and deliberate...I took responsibility for being too critical of her...too tough...and became more accepting...my goal was for her to know that she is loved, and that she love herself. That when I am gone she will remember the good moments and remember and KNOW her mother loved her. For me and my mother I had to figure that out..it was after her death that she stopped being a threat...and then I could emotionally begin to understand her as a m other and a woman and understand all the elements of our lives that kept us apart as mother and daughter..she was in her way a remarkable woman, lacking the tools to examine her emotions and understand them...but she was smart and determined and creative.

As am I ..

This week I have gone to the gym 4 days in a row and am slowly building back into a strong exercise program. I might go swimming today now that my surgery incisions are completely closed. My sugar levels have been good and I am eating healthier..I am remembering to test too. I feel better physically and I am happy that I am taking care of myself...

And I cannot drink. I drink more than I should. Like a bag of potato chips, or a bag of pot..I keep consuming until it is all gone. .. if it is there I will eat  smoke until it is gone...it seems to be about something like if I don't get it now...I gotta figure that out...I went out with Jared weds night for cocktails I had too much and he and Sue drove me home. Embarrassing. So back to unsweetened ice tea or soda and cranberry juice...

Sad for me to see but a good reminder of a person repeating what they know over and over even if it is self destructive ..she has a crisis ...starts to melt down...takes steps to get some help including therapy but once the new anti depression meds take holds and she is calm she is now back to smoking pot and gambling and no longer concerned about her future...she has gone back to her ormer tools which do not serve her well...so a good reminder for me that when I go back to food and pot smoking I am doing that same thing...