episode 661

I am in the middle of an episode, a ptsd episode. I have had too many emotions in too short a period of time. The visit of Kate, Erin and Tee, the show, visit ends and meeting with Maggie.  It all came together and threw me down. I wrote a brave and pre-mature text to Trish saying "I am better she is not worthy of me" and the next day I was crashing. The meeting has become surreal to me as a memory. So unfamiliar and non emotional. I was all business. Nothing personal and she was the same. All too much emotion.  I wanted to change my mood so I have been smoking and eating. But I have come to the end of it now and am getting back to presence...but with a little less pain. Number 661 is an arbitrary number I am sure it is in the thousands...but 661 is one episode a month for 55 years. My physical pain has increased too. My shoulders, both sides are painful to lay on and my right shoulder has shooting pain and weakness. Pain in my left hip has returned. The toll on my physical and emotional well being is significant. I think about that a lot and what I can do to counter that with healing. That is why I am in therapy, to heal myself. I need to be compassionate to my self and go back to eating healthy and exercising every day and I will feel better. Get strong again and stay strong longer.

Therapist number ? Let me count them starting with Myron, Paul, Danny, Gerry, Tom, the woman who's name I never remember, Sharon, Alice, the emdr specialist, and the woman in Baltimore Alice Miller, Susie and now Dalton. 11. Alice had the greatest positive impact and Susie helped me too. Each one did....Danny I think was able to break through great big brick walls that I had built around me. Alice put me back in my body and then I left Buffalo. I think I could not be present in  my body in Buffalo because it would always feel unsafe.

Every move was because I did not feel safe so I moved. Age 12 I moved to Grier. That is where I began to heal, and I was in the company of girls and it felt so safe. That is the safe I want to feel again but now the safe has to be me, myself and I. I can be safe in situations by protecting myself. I was safe in my meeting with Maggie because I kept it all business.

I have created a new sanctuary. the apartment looks brand new as if I moved in place. Change. Something I hope I can continue to embrace.

Pulp Fiction

It has been a dense time in my life and one with many changes. Maggie is out of my life completely. The big fall from diet and exercise has been corrected and life is restored with healthier choices again. I am in therapy, and have had three sessions so far. I am very pleased with the therapist I identified.  Oddly I used the internet to find her, and my health care insurance is paying for half of it. I have completely remodeled my apartment. Bought a new couch, threw  out Chuck's chair, and my mother's china and anything else that a SAD memory attached to it. I am trying to create a place with fewer triggers. That means an updating of my environment and what I see when I come home, My friends helped me. I moved everything into the basement. I had couch and chair taken away. We painted the entire place, every wall ceiling trim...all of it. I have learned that I am making it safe at home by changing it al fro  when Maggie was here, when I was that person. I am a new person from then I am changing for the better ...I am letting go of a lot of weight I have been carrying....as I lose body weight I gain emotional knowledge of my self. And I let go of emotional weight that I no longer carry because I am letting it go.... It has been a great process in that way. And the letting go of the shame, guilt, feeling bad and scared all at the same time...letting go of that makes room for gratitude, healing, wellness and love.

I have a new friend named Jackie. She is very butch harley dyke pot grower. I met her online. She has been very kind and helpful. She cant do enough for me. She helped pick up the Ikea run and she helped put everything together, she hung all my art and bought me a pound of my favorite coffee. I am not attracted to her and she is a dangerous choice in that she has a never ending supply of something I want to stay away from.

I like how the "place" is coming together. This process is replicate of when back in the day I would move and move again to feel safe. Something would trigger the flight. Because back then I had two channels. Fight or flight. Here I have stayed in place, and I have calmed down and I am now more present because I feel safer here. I feel safer here than I have anywhere else except when in a theater or the woods. 

Took my first yoga class on Wednesday, 4 days ago, and I can still feel the "results" and I swam 30 mins this past week and got to the gym  4 times last week...aiming for 5 times this week.

I have a new therapist, we have had three sessions.She is a butch lesbian and we have connected and she is helping me. I can feel the difference. I look forward to the sessions.

and this I now believe and know about Maggie. I really loved her, I loved her in a way I have NOT been capable of loving before. I was present. I was vulnerable. I was willing to compromise. I did compromise. And I loved her unconditionally. Between Caroline's recurrence and Maggie's own belief system....she walked away without even saying goodbye. Hurts a lot. But I picked her because I loved her and wanted a big open out there relationship. She was not ready for that. She wanted to be but alas she was guilty of no ability or skill on that score and I am only guilty of reasonable expectations. 

dusted for a fresh coat

I bet if you dusted her heart for fingerprints you would only find hers.

Thank you. Laura B wrote that on her fb post so I am quoting. But it is perfect for what I am experiencing now and feeling. I have found my anger on the subject and I am expressing it by completely cleaning dusting and painting my entire home environment. My version of a complete purging and acceptance of the next phase of my life. .. and good bye to Maggie. A wake and a funeral with one in attendance, me.

My body hurts from head to toe and I look to returning to my regular routine of swimming and working out. This physical work is stressing my body...moving pushing lifting climbing ladders is a lot even in small doses.

I sprinkled florida water yesterday after I got it cleared out and ready I swept and swept and I splashed  every corner ...and I am getting rid of stuff....a couch and hideabed and Maggie...clothes books papers microwave rug and chuck's chair. I finally let go of a chair I can afford to keep. Less and less I need the objects to remember my past so I am getting rid of my mother's china...sounds terrible..it does not hold good memories of mom for me...she was always stressed when we used this china....meant holidays and stress for her...

Once the painting is done and I start bringing articles and items back into my living space...the criteria will be do I need it? Less is more. And I can get new if I want to let go of what you want to let go of...

I have found my anger and she is motivating me into an agent of change. That is what we do in my family. My dad lived that life .. agent of change as a union organizer. My mother as a church organizer.,,she took a small Parrish meeting in a fire hall to a k-8 school, convent, rectory and church.

Both created safe space for people to survive in. As have I. With Ujima and HAG I created safe space for people to experience freedom in...to be creative and expressive and free..

I have participated as an activist in the women's rights movement, specifically single moms, victims sexual assault, child care, AIDS, queer rights, artistic freedom of expression, and now working in the environment, a return to my father's love of Rachel Carson...and the 18 mile reek of my childhood. So  I am bringing that with me. My red jacket and the 18 mile creek can come along wit the surrounding woods. Happy memories there. Duke at my side.

Maggie is not the girl for me. I deserve to be with someone who is accepting, tolerant, open and willing to be present. Maggie although she desires that as well, she fails epically, ...and in the end I was left alone without a goodbye or an explanation or a good well wishes to you...just blank empty air... So I am left to make up an explanation myself.  I am trying to find an ending that is compassionate to both of us. Treats as us both well..

Meanwhile I am creating a safe space for me now...as a way of taking care of myself for my future self.

a rare rant

maybe I should allow a rant maybe I should give voice to my feelings and talk about what makes me angry.
Broken promises.
Ignoring texts
Ignoring emails
Not accepting my help with anything
being vey nice and romantic and then taking it away
on again off again
locking the door
being there and then going away
I gave a lot of energy and time to the relationship
that was a big crash and burn
I am letting go
I have been in much distress
but now have discharged a lot so feel a little less burdened....
kate says she is junky
that seems a funny word
but not inaccurate

she was not available. she wasn't there when I needed her
I could not depend on her to be kind
she could be gruff

but she is out
she is not good for me
and I have left her
I have left her to my history to my past
and do not vision her in my future

Plan

practice gratitude
practice presence
go back to gym
write down what I eat
and do not go back to Maggie
Let go of her .. finish and no new beginning
I deserve better
return self to me
take care of my self

Solstice musings and a new beginning

FROM DEC 21
Maggie has not spoken to me in more than a week. This after a romantic weekend away in Saugatuck. We had a wonderful weekend, and now she is absent. I have made a decision that I will not go back this time. I have been letting go. I still obsessively scan the phone but less so and I was able to stay away from Jolly all week, and the last time I texted her no response. It feels different this time.

And I am not blaming her. I blame myself.

After Saugatuck I had a pretty serious ptsd episode and at that point we were communicating. This fucked up...have a romantic weekend and I curl under it as if I did not deserve it.

what do I do with all these feelings? How does one stop thinking about her? How does one replace the loss of affection? This hurts more than I can say.

Jan 1 2014

New year.....a year of becoming my self..a year of health and gratitude and happiness and peace of mind and continued self discovery. There is fresh snow on the ground and I need to take a fresh look at my life and deal with the grief that blankets my spirit. I need to care for my physical self and repair my emotional life.