first second third thoughts

dismiss my thoughts. hard for me to go with my first thought. I often change my mind and choose something else. this morning i followed through. I'll go to a coffee shop and write. Left the house directionless but found my way here.

feeling not as good as others that are present in my life.
feeling not good
tuesday i kept thinking about love
me coming from a place of love every day
making a morning promise that today i will operate from love
not fear or hatred

i promise myself that today i will make my intention about love
let go of my anger and fear
let go of thinking i have done something wrong
let go of my defensiveness
let go of reacting and make every effort to respond instead
dont anticipate what will be said but instead hear what is being said
this is particularly true at work and in  my dyke march work

i was reading about empaths
and then unlike other times i scrolled through the comment section and found a comment better than the original article
empaths are more aware of reading other's energy
when you smell something is rotten in denmark
when you know someone is phony before others
take it as an invitation to heal oneself
to clear whatever has hooked me and let my compassion and empathy
come into play
hang in and realize what is going on
have good boundaries
see that that person is suffering too

not wanting to be involved with someone who is fake
but do so with a different awareness
that comes from love
not oh my god or wtf
heal myself first

i am more vulnerable
allowing it after so many years with armor on
what was
no longer works
it did work for a long time
but now i see it no longer works

weds

Middle of work week
weekend relief two days away
sad
sad
missing daughter
home seems empty without her
so much done alone
is that independent?
shop, cook, clean, carry
for me by me
for all of my adult life
even with partners
i did that for myself
i let friends in close
they were  lifelines
lines for staying alive
highschool taught me
friends are important
single parenthood
gave me community
with other single parents
gave me identity
theater
gave me community
dyke queerness
gave me community

i do not really have community now
i miss it

thoughts

Sugar was over 200 this morning ...not good.

Met with Dalton yesterday...

Difficult session and I left feeling worse.She mentioned during session, whats going on with you, you're really beating yourself up today.

Pam and I talked at lunch today about how we are both super sensitive these days.  We both want to be less sensitive.

departures

Departure can be difficult and a relief at the same time.
Kate left this morning, and I stayed home from work until she was all packed and ready to go. WE both got teary on our hug goodbye. We always do but this time was more difficult, I guess because I thought I might have found a way home, but I did not. That remains a work in progress.

I have decided that I will begin to pack some things, and downsize by selling some things on ebay. That will at least make me feel as if I have movement to get home.

But again, and this might be the PTSD, I get fearful when I think about leaving and going back home. I send many negative messages to myself. I'm too old is the biggest one. I am behind the curve.  The city has changed a lot and I do not know the new players. I am too old.

Thinking of staying makes me sad. Leaving Dalton, Cynthia, Pam and Robby makes me sad. Leaving the job box makes me relieved. When I think of that I think I get a fresh start, the fresh start I want. A fresh start to do an even better job somewhere else because of what I have learned.

And because here I now feel exposed, betrayed, not safe.  It's like the "if they only knew" has become TheyKnow
TheyMustKnowByNow that I am not a good development director and that I have a bullshit detector, I have an edge and I am the boss.

All of those traits kept me safe outside of my home environment where for most of my life I was never safe.
The bullshit detector kept dangerous people away. My edge made me feel like I was protecting myself from harm.
The boss always has more power, so makes me feel safer.

Human beings can be very complex and complicated.

new moon

new moon on Friday brought me Kate and much love
rehearsal went really well
cynthia and amy helped us pull it all together
the performers really showed up
sweet time at dinner with robby and kate
at our fave spot
pretty boy server a delight
anita hill
home to sleep

staurday was a marathon
before 10:30 we had accomplished
breakfast at zingermans
farmer's market
hollanders
costco
trader joes

then
bessie smith
chilling at home

kate and sarah for moms day dinner

theater! showtime!
all went smooth
great show
standing ovation
beautiful words/flowers from Robbie that touched my heart and soul
hanging out afterwards
home
sleep

woke up to beautiful mother's day card
literati
coffee
aventura

new moon brings new possibilities
and last night i could feel that in the theater
in the dark
watching everyone
watch and  listen and appluad
listening to the applause

mother's day weekend

my daughter is coming today and I am so happy about it!!!
tech rehearsal is tonight and I am happy about that too.

still tears this morning

i do believe that for my life, since I was a little girl, I have tried always to a good person, and since being a young adult I worked to deal with my depression and anxiety. Deal with the sexual abuse in a way that could provide me peace and be a good person.

but i think that i block my self with these bad thoughts and do not give myself credit.or give myself a break.

but this weekend i am going to enjoy my daughter's company and the show  ... and be happy and feel good

what's stopping me?

I am very glad I decided to do AWGO. It has been a good experience for me. It has been fun to be in rehearsals. It has been good for me to do something I love and enjoy. There is not much I allow myself to enjoy. I truly believe I stop myself for one reason or another and I need to look at that.  Is it my size, body image issue or body size that stops me?  Sometimes I think I have no right to do things I enjoy when many people are suffering...like some sort of phucked up privilege guilt. Or is it just that I feel guilty. Guilty as charged of everything. Saying sorry all the time. Crap. Its all crap.

Kate is coming for the weekend and I am so excited. And just the two of us, which is rare.