departures

Departure can be difficult and a relief at the same time.
Kate left this morning, and I stayed home from work until she was all packed and ready to go. WE both got teary on our hug goodbye. We always do but this time was more difficult, I guess because I thought I might have found a way home, but I did not. That remains a work in progress.

I have decided that I will begin to pack some things, and downsize by selling some things on ebay. That will at least make me feel as if I have movement to get home.

But again, and this might be the PTSD, I get fearful when I think about leaving and going back home. I send many negative messages to myself. I'm too old is the biggest one. I am behind the curve.  The city has changed a lot and I do not know the new players. I am too old.

Thinking of staying makes me sad. Leaving Dalton, Cynthia, Pam and Robby makes me sad. Leaving the job box makes me relieved. When I think of that I think I get a fresh start, the fresh start I want. A fresh start to do an even better job somewhere else because of what I have learned.

And because here I now feel exposed, betrayed, not safe.  It's like the "if they only knew" has become TheyKnow
TheyMustKnowByNow that I am not a good development director and that I have a bullshit detector, I have an edge and I am the boss.

All of those traits kept me safe outside of my home environment where for most of my life I was never safe.
The bullshit detector kept dangerous people away. My edge made me feel like I was protecting myself from harm.
The boss always has more power, so makes me feel safer.

Human beings can be very complex and complicated.