one week to go

One week from today my cast comes off. Not sure what is next. But I assume wheel chair goes away, and I walk, maybe with cane maybe with walker.  It has been a lesson in patience, something I have in very short supply.

It was a lesson in people helping me. Sarah, George, Pam, Kamil, Dan, Jared, Aaron, Patrick, Trish, Wendy, Marlene, Jen, Rebecca, Jason, Alec, Anita, Lyn, Beth....all those people helped me. Plus all the nurses, medical techs who helped me every-time I went to hospital or doc's office. A lesson in being loved.

Daily crying stopped several weeks ago. That is a relief, to have a pause button on crying every day. Just does not happen. my thoughts on that are that I have more people around me more often. People are touching me. Taking my hand to encourage me. Hugs. Wendy drying me after showers. Aaron insists on cradling my head when I get in the car. The kind gentle touch of the nurses.  Sarah slept in bed next to me for that first week to make sure I was ok in the early post surgery time...Te was a slow process but over the weeks I became aware of how lonely I had been. I had been spending a lot of my time alone, almost all time outside of work was spent alone at home, often stoned or drinking wine.

Too embarrassed to go out on my own. Too fat, too old.

later the same day

I have cried. I have cried for Crash, for missing him. I think twice maybe three times.

I made coffee

yesterday's list

I made coffee
I peed twice-no accidents
cat is outside
took my blood pressure
making breakfast.

cant take meds because I'm out. I need refills. Grumble. Got to call Walgreens evil pharma death eaters and get refills today.

the tee shirts and underwear has arrived. They fit. And I like. I got lucky buying online.

today is shampoo day with my good bud wendy
and an excursion to kroger

being this out of shape, being this heavy, so heavy made this experience much worse. It exasperated the situation, my body, the people who took care of me,  every effort I made was made much more difficult because of my weight. Extra weight. And poor muscle tone. I am only getting older, meaning more medical, more problems all of them will be impacted positively or negatively by my choices. And like Sarah said my risks impact my friends.

life rituals

morning

pee
do not turn on noise (tv radio internet)
make coffee
test sugar
test blood pressure
take meds
check sleep app
use aromatherapy
porch with cat and coffee quiet time with trees
read women writers that inspire me to feel connected

next is the continuation of my day? or what more do I need in the morning?
is that how I want to ground myself before I walk out into the world?

less stress in morning if I could prepare my lunch and my carry bag with everything I need to go to work the next morning. I think it is important for me to feel free when I wake, to not feel trapped.

evening

brush teeth
soak teeth
moisturize
take lantus, baby aspirin, metformin
charge phone
wear cpap
give voice to day's gratitude(s)

this is where I could start.
if I believe I can, then I can

story books

This photo makes me think of the farm. It makes me smile.It reminds me of Little Golden Book covers from my youth.  Reminds me of a time when all of my crayon creations included rainbows. Rainbows are so easy to draw and people always knew it was a rainbow.

and so it goes ..

I have had another surgery. This time it was my left ankle. Two screws to put it back together. The surgery went great! It all happened fast. The surgery was on June 11. Three weeks done, and three weeks to go. The no weight bearing has been a pain in the butt. Sarah dear sweet kind Sarah took care of me week one. It was much more difficult on both of us than I had realized it would be. That first day after surgery was a killer. Rehab made more difficult by the fact that I am out of shape and fat.

Surgery list
Tonsils
Glass wall accident, stitches
Fell off horse, concussion
Cracked tail bone
Impacted tooth-oral surgery
Skin tag on lower eye lid
Skin tags removed from neck
left knee ACL removed
gall bladder removed
mastectomy
lumpectomy
carpal tunnel and stuck thumb both wrists
hairline fracture right foot
rotator cuff
fractured left ankle-surgery two screws

I make these lists in an effort to see if compared to others I am ahead or behind the norm. I seem to check the norm. Am I shorter, fatter, louder, less educated, dressed well enough? Is it safe to leave the house? Will I make it home safely?

good to be seen

i am brave
i am making a home here
i decided to do a play and i made a play happen
i decided i liked it here
people are seeing me
why did it take me so long?
i was afraid
I was afraid to be embaressed

I am strong when...

I am strong.
I am strong. The mettle of which I am made.

met·tle  (ˈmedl/)

noun: mettle; plural noun: mettles; a person's ability to cope well with difficulties or to face a demanding situation in a spirited and resilient way.

synonyms: spirit, fortitude, strength of character, moral fiber, steel, determination, resolve, resolution, backbone, grit, true grit, courage, courageousness, bravery, valor, fearlessness, daring.      

The mettle of which I made. I didn't break. I din't kill myself despite repeated self messages over most of my life to off myself. To leave. To depart. To put an end to burden, the misery, the guilt and the shame. To end the self doubt.  

I went through it. I fought it. I fought for others to get through it. I opened doors for myself. I did for myself. Not always well and not as others might to or purport to do,but I did accomplish survival.  

Shield myself from toxic folks without striking out at them or letting them know they are toxic to me.