Friday, February 27, 2015
sad hurts
I'm sad. Sad she is gone and I do miss her. She was kind, a nice person. Terribly insecure. That scared me. I need a partner who is self assured and kind. I need that confidence in self to feel safe with them. That's why I feel safe with certain folks, like Sarah. Complete trust. I did the right thing for both of us. I made a good decision. And I was fair to her. She doesn't see the world as a place capable of fair play. She sees Everything as rigged against her. She can't ever win, and its not her fault. But.....I did treat her well and with fairness, but she will not see it that way.
Now I reclaim my physical space this weekend, and get about taking better care of me. Find my way to my habits of persistence awaiting my return to their protection and wisdom. Going to gym is good self care practice. Now I have been isolating for too long. I cannot connect, which makes me feel more alone. I am not alone. I will be out and about with people this weekend and end my isolation and I will make friend dates to do things so I am not isolated..
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
gone girl
I do miss her, or miss the person I thought she was and turned out not to be. Swell. I did it again. I do feel relief that she is gone. We were both pretty unhappy. I think I did us a big favor, sooner rather than later. It was never going to work. That was clear. She was dishonest, and once I established that she was more than an embellish-er, every thing she did was suspect. That was no fun. It was difficult to stay cool and calm.
And now I am facing weight gain of 12 ponds, sugars no longer tightly controlled, no exercise at all, and I am in a boot for a stress fracture. Time to get it all together again, and take care of myself. Prioritize self care with with self love.
I am dreaming of michfest.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
No I don't want to. No I don't want to. I am barricaded. Closed. Over with one simple word.
You can't make me if I don't want to, I don't have to. No. The person who says no has all the power. No. No. No. Make it stop. It stopped.
Margaret Fahning (mf)
Inappropriate. Narrow. Jealous.
1983 was the last time we spoke, when I still believed she cared for me like a daughter. Maybe Don was done with the Smiths and their problems. Maybe she was in love with dad. I thought she was trustworthy. She wasn't. I just needed her to be, so I made her so. I made myself a mom and ran to her with my problems.
Ignored my mother. Rejected her. Hurt her. Lost the opportunity of really knowing my mom.
Missing what was. Protecting myself. I held back parts of me. The me vs me part. I gave her the imaginary Margaret. She was more lovable than real Margaret.
But MF was telling me family secrets I was never meant to know. So she made secrets a legitimate form of coping. I kept my secrets forever secret. That's where I learned that.
MF helped me recreate my mother into a monster undeserving of my love and trust.
And then without any explanation she stopped talking to me. Cut the connection. Severed. Mom one and mom two failures. A failure of trust.
In hindsight we see. My mom was a remarkable woman and my dad was right, I am like my mother. I respect who she was and I am glad I could make her laugh.
My mother loved me. Peg was angry at a world that failed her. To spite that, she went her own way. Married a labor leader 11 years older than her. Had sex and abortion before marriage. Radical for a girl in the 1930s. She learned to drive,sarted farm life, had her 4th child and founded Altar and Rosary Society at St Bs, all in her 30s. She spoke against my marriage. Told me true and right. She worried about me. She loved me and hung in there with me.
You can't make me if I don't want to, I don't have to. No. The person who says no has all the power. No. No. No. Make it stop. It stopped.
Margaret Fahning (mf)
Inappropriate. Narrow. Jealous.
1983 was the last time we spoke, when I still believed she cared for me like a daughter. Maybe Don was done with the Smiths and their problems. Maybe she was in love with dad. I thought she was trustworthy. She wasn't. I just needed her to be, so I made her so. I made myself a mom and ran to her with my problems.
Ignored my mother. Rejected her. Hurt her. Lost the opportunity of really knowing my mom.
Missing what was. Protecting myself. I held back parts of me. The me vs me part. I gave her the imaginary Margaret. She was more lovable than real Margaret.
But MF was telling me family secrets I was never meant to know. So she made secrets a legitimate form of coping. I kept my secrets forever secret. That's where I learned that.
MF helped me recreate my mother into a monster undeserving of my love and trust.
And then without any explanation she stopped talking to me. Cut the connection. Severed. Mom one and mom two failures. A failure of trust.
In hindsight we see. My mom was a remarkable woman and my dad was right, I am like my mother. I respect who she was and I am glad I could make her laugh.
My mother loved me. Peg was angry at a world that failed her. To spite that, she went her own way. Married a labor leader 11 years older than her. Had sex and abortion before marriage. Radical for a girl in the 1930s. She learned to drive,sarted farm life, had her 4th child and founded Altar and Rosary Society at St Bs, all in her 30s. She spoke against my marriage. Told me true and right. She worried about me. She loved me and hung in there with me.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
hand holding
There is a lot to hold. I have challenges at work and home. Starting a new relationship. Now living with a dog. Show at Arc. Making myself vulnerable. Feeling older. Creating a spiritual practice. Stress Fracture. New script for my life. Writing my story again. Sharing my personal space. Me vs me. New aches and pains. Keeping my sugar controlled. Practice presence.
Getting easier to talk to Mag. I felt her presence behind me. No startle response. I turned around and I was happy to see her. Physical expression of love. Trust her not to hurt me, came a gimmer of what it feels like to feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. I could feel it in my body.
Rediscovering my pluck. Confidence.
Understanding embellishment's purpose. You tell a tall tale to fill a big hole. Story to make you the hero, because they can never know my true self, then I'd be exposed a fraud.
Working with Dalton and Mag on being vulnerable.
It's no party. It's no joke. But shame, anger are the hard parts.
Starting over in pursuit of wellness is the easy part.
Looking to find my anger/negative self a friend, some imaginary friend she can talk to and leave me alone.
Practice presence.
Getting easier to talk to Mag. I felt her presence behind me. No startle response. I turned around and I was happy to see her. Physical expression of love. Trust her not to hurt me, came a gimmer of what it feels like to feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. I could feel it in my body.
Rediscovering my pluck. Confidence.
Understanding embellishment's purpose. You tell a tall tale to fill a big hole. Story to make you the hero, because they can never know my true self, then I'd be exposed a fraud.
Working with Dalton and Mag on being vulnerable.
It's no party. It's no joke. But shame, anger are the hard parts.
Looking to find my anger/negative self a friend, some imaginary friend she can talk to and leave me alone.
Practice presence.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
close the door
You can turn off a light, and close a door and walk away. You can write a letter and put it an envelope, seal it and send and it is gone. But you can't do that with your memories.
No matter what I do the bad memories remain. They are a heavy burden that saps my energy and robs me of my joy. I have tried various methods to lighten the load to make it one of a millions parts of who I am. But no. It maintains its own star top billing status. A constant presence lurking, even at the best of times, waiting to exert influence, or alter the scene, or change the mood, or take my confidence or take me away entirely.
I'm sorry what just happened? I missed that, the here and now moment. I was wrestling an old ugly very powerful memory to the ground and trying to push it out of the way to be here with you. I don't always succeed.
Today is a day of wrestling with all that, so I can be present. So I can at least be here for me.
sigh. No wonder I am always tired.
No matter what I do the bad memories remain. They are a heavy burden that saps my energy and robs me of my joy. I have tried various methods to lighten the load to make it one of a millions parts of who I am. But no. It maintains its own star top billing status. A constant presence lurking, even at the best of times, waiting to exert influence, or alter the scene, or change the mood, or take my confidence or take me away entirely.
I'm sorry what just happened? I missed that, the here and now moment. I was wrestling an old ugly very powerful memory to the ground and trying to push it out of the way to be here with you. I don't always succeed.
Today is a day of wrestling with all that, so I can be present. So I can at least be here for me.
sigh. No wonder I am always tired.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
scaffolding
Tuesday Dec 30 2014
My hands are cold. I am sad. I am ruminating here about what to say and do. I ruminate often for a long period of time before I speak up.
As a child I learned how not to say what was happening to me, what I said in my head vs. what I spoke out loud, and not speaking at all for very long periods of time. My survival depended on it.
Classical conditioning is a process of behavior modification in which an innate response to a potent biological stimulus become expressed in response to a previously neutral stimulus; this is achieved by repeated pairings of the neutral stimulus and the potent biological stimulus that elicits the desired response.
My hands are cold. I am sad. I am ruminating here about what to say and do. I ruminate often for a long period of time before I speak up.
As a child I learned how not to say what was happening to me, what I said in my head vs. what I spoke out loud, and not speaking at all for very long periods of time. My survival depended on it.
Classical conditioning is a process of behavior modification in which an innate response to a potent biological stimulus become expressed in response to a previously neutral stimulus; this is achieved by repeated pairings of the neutral stimulus and the potent biological stimulus that elicits the desired response.
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