im home

waking up in a house full of people. had an uneventful drive in from MI. Staying with K/J and the kids. Slept well last night. Im tired and sore but feel good and i am looking forward to being here for the coming 10/now 9 days.

working on it

for as long as I can remember starts for me at about age 4. and from that age or maybe 5, I was being threatened. The threat was often repeated to make sure I was compliant about everything, about his dick in my mouth or molesting my genitalia. I stayed quiet ... quiet and gaining guilt with every molestation. I would estimate from age 4 or 5 until age 13,  I was molested by my brother over 100 times. Some years more than others. and for as long as I can remember it has occupied my body, my memory, a portion of my thoughts every day, and it's effects its residue  its power over me has greatly influenced my behavior, my life, my decisions, it has in a way been my fate.
 
i have always tried to do something about it, always tried to deal with its ramifications both during and after. i have done therapy, meditation, massage, hypnosis, eating sugar fat and salt, smoking pot, reading, even writing and performing. i became an activist and change agent for single moms, women's rights, equality for women, advocate for rape and sexual assault victims, equality for blacks, equal rights for queers, theater for lesbians, and art for everyone.

still it shadows me. still it directs my decisions and i deal with it every single day as it interrupts my day over and over.

therapists ; myron, paul, danny, tom, gerry, alice, suzie, dalton, even a national expert on ptsd who I spent two days with in a convent working on body memory...and two more whose names I have forgotten. those names might be in an old address book in a drawer somewhere, but i don't care enough to go look.

my daughter as a child and a teenager was sexually assaulted on the street ..two attacks. and at age 30 I was raped in my own bed by a dangerous man who came into my house and raped me at gunpoint as kate lay next to me asleep. again i am threatened to be compliant. it just kept coming. but it does every day for women on this planet, it just keeps coming ... i am not alone.

i believe that when i bump up against the blockades I encounter, i keep slamming, hammering, battering away it, until i bust through. the awakening that came at age 12 was to get away, and i did, to boarding school and once  there i was free from the threats but not the fear. a classmate gave me a black molly (speed) to stay awake and study, what it did instead was loosen my defenses, my inhibitions,  and i told a friend what was happening and she introduced me to her therapist. I remember telling Myron I felt I was a whore. he reassured me i was not. i remember everything about that experience, and I can even now feel the comfort I received in those moments of first breaking my silence with someone who listened and told  me i had done nothing wrong.  Because of those two visits with myron I was 13 maybe 14  when i SAID NO and it STOPPED. When i heard the familiar car pull into the driveway, for the first time i protected my self by running to the bathroom and locking myself in. I said no and go away through the door.  he went away. he never tried again.

simply went away. but fear and guilt and shame stayed.

mud

please feel a responsibility for the energy you bring into this space

I am responsible for the energy i bring to work every day. i remind myself here, because it is difficult to change my thing on this. yesterday i woke up happy and then through the day little hooks got me down. i put too much into other people's opinions of me esp L my boss. the least little thing and i feel bad, no good, rotten or i did something wrong. and then im down about it. I like going home because it feels safe there. nobody to judge me. just me and the cats. that cannot be good for me. i am going out tonight with friends. and it's not like i completely isolate. but i do make efforts to preserve my alone time.  im suffering from anxiety and depression, and it feels sometimes like i am slugging through mud to keep going. self expression through art does lift me...dries the mud to dust and it blows away.

ch ch ch changes

i am feeling / making change happen. I have been to the gym 3 days in a row, sleeping better and sugars lower. my hip hurts but i am ok.

woke up in a very good mood. so exercise also improves my mood. i know this. eating healthier.

had a visit with Sarah Sunday and it was nourishing. I attribute much of my better mood this morning at the start of my day to being with Sarah. I am more connected to he than to almost anyone else.

all day i think of things i want to write about...discoveries i have made...and then when i find time to write the thoughts cannot be recalled. frustrating.

i organized all my meds into many of those pill organizers. smh. well now easier to know whether i did take my pills every day as prescribed. self care. cooked meals all weekend.

leave for home in6 days...and I am counting the days...be so nice to get away. so nice.

i was thinking today about how i have never really written anything about the night I was raped, and the days weeks and months that followed. wondering if i should do that.

finally stop feeling bad about telling my dad what i had to ...to get back to grier for my senior year. I felt i manipulated the situation. i know now i did not. I was taking care of myself. I was staying safe. it was true that i was afraid to be at home..i did a good thing for me...a very good thing for me.

first second third thoughts

dismiss my thoughts. hard for me to go with my first thought. I often change my mind and choose something else. this morning i followed through. I'll go to a coffee shop and write. Left the house directionless but found my way here.

feeling not as good as others that are present in my life.
feeling not good
tuesday i kept thinking about love
me coming from a place of love every day
making a morning promise that today i will operate from love
not fear or hatred

i promise myself that today i will make my intention about love
let go of my anger and fear
let go of thinking i have done something wrong
let go of my defensiveness
let go of reacting and make every effort to respond instead
dont anticipate what will be said but instead hear what is being said
this is particularly true at work and in  my dyke march work

i was reading about empaths
and then unlike other times i scrolled through the comment section and found a comment better than the original article
empaths are more aware of reading other's energy
when you smell something is rotten in denmark
when you know someone is phony before others
take it as an invitation to heal oneself
to clear whatever has hooked me and let my compassion and empathy
come into play
hang in and realize what is going on
have good boundaries
see that that person is suffering too

not wanting to be involved with someone who is fake
but do so with a different awareness
that comes from love
not oh my god or wtf
heal myself first

i am more vulnerable
allowing it after so many years with armor on
what was
no longer works
it did work for a long time
but now i see it no longer works

weds

Middle of work week
weekend relief two days away
sad
sad
missing daughter
home seems empty without her
so much done alone
is that independent?
shop, cook, clean, carry
for me by me
for all of my adult life
even with partners
i did that for myself
i let friends in close
they were  lifelines
lines for staying alive
highschool taught me
friends are important
single parenthood
gave me community
with other single parents
gave me identity
theater
gave me community
dyke queerness
gave me community

i do not really have community now
i miss it

thoughts

Sugar was over 200 this morning ...not good.

Met with Dalton yesterday...

Difficult session and I left feeling worse.She mentioned during session, whats going on with you, you're really beating yourself up today.

Pam and I talked at lunch today about how we are both super sensitive these days.  We both want to be less sensitive.