learning self

I am learning. I am oddly and suddenly motivated to learn more. Grief and Sorrow are different from guilt and shame. They are all "bad" feelings and prevent an enjoyment of life. Since Lorna died I am feeling Grief and Sorrow more often than my usual double scoop of guilt and shame. I noticed it's absence.

I'm sorry.  I must say that 100 or more times in,,,a day. No that's an exaggeration. That's cliche'. I say I'm sorry to every person I talk to in a day. So however many that brings that's how many times I say it,  sometimes I say to the same person more than once.

Imagine saying I'm sorry to every person you talk to in one day. Why? Why would that be necessary? What could I be doing in this moment that warrants me apologizing to everyone I meet?

THERAPIST SAYS  You have known guilt and shame so long, you are comfortable there. It is what you know. You know how to function there.

BACK TO ME I really cannot think of anything now that I should be ashamed of. I can make a laundry list of things I did in my past or things that were done to me without my consent. I often run the list of sins it in my head like a tally. Drudge up all my old sins. Relive one or two to try and determine the wrongness of it and how to fix it.  I call them sins because they happened when I was a supposed practicing catholic as a young girl. I never confessed these sins when I was practicing.

I loved nuns. I hated lay teachers. I loved nuns because they all wore lace up black leather boots and walked with intention and quickly. I still do that, walk with intention and quickly. I had nice nuns. Well the mother superior was a holy terror., otherwise known as the job description. Must be a holy terror.

Learn to be comfortable without feeling guilty or ashamed. As a fat woman that will be a challenge.

Follow your purpose. Follow your heart.

Lorna died. Lorna is gone. It hurts more than expected. In a big way it remains unimaginable, even though I almost never missed a day to be with Lorna. Even ten minutes with Lorna was a ticket to heaven. I can see her, now, in the stage spot light as luminous as ever. One moment lead me to another memory and that memory took me to another one. Reminds the routes of my brain of yet another breath taking, heart stopping moment in her presence. Our relationship was different in that I came to Ujima with the same political knowledge as Lorna. I was the daughter of working class success story as a trade union labor leader.An immigrant he was and had a different view, dare I say minority view of America history than most. I would often get into arguments with my anti union revisionist history.He never taught me the pablum version of American history.

He had stories and details just like Ruby did for Lorna. Just like my dad did for me. We both had a favorite parent and we enjoyed learning more from them, and more expansive and inclusive view than what was taught in school.

May 26

long day
productive day
creative day
problem solving day

Drew Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for myself. It was fun to do the coloring

Small things -if not corrected-become big things, always.

attempt to change my future

Operate from an internal sense of "this is right"-Audre Lorde

The lemons spite me by shriveling up and turning ash green. Lemons famously hide themselves from me to roll off and die in the corner. the lemons remain unaware of my familiarity with that same feeling..to roll off into the corner and turn ash green. I know the feeling.

The amputation of my breast in a profit economy and my refusal to rebuild it is a daily reminder of the quick loss of power. Without cleavage I feel powerless. It is not the absence of one but the lack of a pair that is most difficult. I cannot accept it. 13 years later I am still angry. But I have never felt guilty about surviving. 

I recently made a left turn and I wished I had not turned at all. And now I have another big decision a head of me. So soon after having made a colossal mistake I worry about making another one. 

A budding opportunity is gaining oxygen. Ujima needs a managing director. Do I take the Ujima job and go home to Buffalo. People -many- want me to come home. It is finally spring and many dormant lives are pushing up from under ground. 

i don't know what to do with my pain. I am very scared.

contemplative practice

now why did I leave Buffalo?

Lorna

I met Lorna at the Center For Positive Thought. James introduced me to her. I signed up for her acting class. And she assigned the book, Woman and Nature (The Roaring Inside Her) by Susan Griffin. That was the beginning of our 40+ year friendship that became a sisterhood and family. Yesterday I learned she may not live a month. Breast cancer has returned. It is in her bones, spine, liver and around the brain. I'll be saying goodbye to one of my oldest and dearest friends. It hurts. I'll have the book but she will be gone. Surreal concept don't you think? One reason I love books. I can the memory that is attached to the book. The memory is as important as the book.

5/24/2020

Struggle every day. 

The first time I walked into a room of people to whom I did not have to explain myself.  I was understood without having to explain who I was. What came as an additional gift was the freedom to explore who you might want to be. There was a growing force for change and those of us who believed gathered at places like the Center For Positive Thought. Indulging my fears would have destroyed my life and my daughter's life. The only choice for my survival was self empowerment. 

fried green tomatoes

And then there was Fried Green Tomatoes featuring two women in love, making it, alas yes a lesbian dies in the end but one lives!  And they kill the bad guy, It was damn beautiful. 1991. I was 38.

Girl crushes for me started very young. There was the butch at Braymiller's feed store, 1958. Susan Hayward was my favorite Saturday Matinee Movie Star, and I had a crush on Barbara Stanwyck. Then at Grier, my all girl boarding school. Dino, or Denise Schneider, I never tired of her company. She was very kind. Until she dropped out of sight after graduation and I never heard from her again.

indecision

I am fearful of picking the wrong answer. Picking? That was an odd work choice. Picking. Do we have a choice, do we pick what we answer and how we answer? We do if we lie a lot. As I child, adolescent, teenage and adult I held a very big secret, so I lied a lot to cover for the secret.  To keep it a secret forever so that people would continue to love me. I still lie to this day about it, to protect me. I mean how bad could it have been? I forgave while he was still alive. I forgave him the first time he asked me for forgiveness. 

Myself? No I have not forgiven me. And when I forgave my brother for years of sexual abuse I did not yet completely grasp the full effect of that abuse. Hell when I started therapy,  in 1969, the professionals knew little to nothing about women in general, let alone women who suffered trauma. Many professionals were clueless and didn't understand why we were making a fuss.

In 1977 I was escorted off the stage by Erie County Sheriffs at a public hearing on the county social services department budget. I pointed out that there was no money allotted for social workers to be trained on emerging issues in the field such as rape prevention, and increased reporting of incest. 

Incest. I said that word outloud and I was removed from the stage and the microphone. You will not use that language not while I am in charge. Back when the use of a word in certain company, word choice was a greater crime than the actual committing of said crime. Some crime was not discussed it was so taboo. Thats where I started.