Good morning

I was surprised this morning when I checked my sugar. 

A very good morning. I have just started taking supplements as per Syndrome X/Food Mood, Jack Chellam's books by the same titles, and this morning my sugar was below 200. Eating less carbohydrates and more protein. Although five minutes is a small amount of time, for three days in a row, each day, I rode the exercise bike. I also walked out in the country yesterday, and today I made maybe 10/12 trips to and from my car. Last month walking from the car to house, was exhausting. Yesterday I did not take Byetta, and I still got a below 200 reading of 157. This weekend I have so much energy I have actually DONE more and started projects that have been sitting unattended for months-well really years.  And I know we all have that, the oh yes I am going to get to that, but I have actually started in one two big ones. I definitely have more energy and a less foggy brain. 

Let me count the changes, and yes I have done this before but it is important I cheer myself on, or continue to pat myself on the back for what I am doing. 

Stopped drinking diet Pepsi

Stopped using Splenda or ingesting anything w/fake sugar

Started eating more organic foods, all of my at home dairy intake is organic now

Rode the bike three days in a row

Identified proper supplements, bought them, and started taking them

Lowered carb intake, increased protein intake

Weaned myself off Lexapro and Wellbutrin

No ice cream for seven days

I had lost all hope. I had felt so cynical about life and people and politics, and I felt or still feel like a great big failure and disappointment to myself. I heard on the radio that a person who has great regrets and guilt about their past and can see no future for themselves or are afraid of their future becomes suicidal. That was or maybe still is me. 

Like a bug in jar that tries and tries to climb the sides of the jar but can never get out. This maybe the beginning of another big change, actually talking about my feelings of suicide. Anytime any therapist asked me if I had thoughts of suicide I said no. I lied. Said oh no, but sometimes I have strong feelings of not wanting to be here.  I insisted that was different than wanting to off myself. Is that like a denial of suicide?

That's me, with diet after diet, book after book, therapist after therapist. The bug trying to get out of the jar.

But this morning when I read my sugar level I was happy with my accomplishment. It was a good morning.

And again

I have started over. I have started over a hundred times. Let me count the diets; Weight Watchers, Atkins, the one over eaters anonymous meeting,  South Beach, You on a Diet, French Women are Not Fat diet, Optifast and another version of Optifast on which I really enjoyed not having to make ANY decisions about food, it was very liberating that liquid diet. I have also paid for many gym memberships, and there are always more payments than visits.  Countless diet books and recipe books but I remain fat fat fat.

But wait. I am here today to tell myself good job for starting over and instead I go back and list the failures. That can't be right. But I keep trying. Maybe that is how I should look at that list. Not as a series of failures but a non-stop attempt to do right for me.

Yesterday I rode the exercise bike. My first steps into the Jack Chellem Food-Mood Solution have been taken. My sugar level is coming down. I have been making better food choices for about a week, and am taking supplements. 

My father was a very healthy man who lived to be 91 years old. He ate a healthy diet, drank spring water, stayed away from white bread, read Adele Davis' books, and took a lot of supplements. Brewer's Yeast and lecithin every morning first thing. When he was still alive he would send me vitamins for most of my adult life. I know from his example that it is way to live healthier and longer. I will use that as encouragement to keep doing this for my health for my life.

I have started over.

Then by Muriel Rukeyser

When I am dead, even then 

I will still love you, I will wait in these poems.

When I am dead, even then

I am still listening to you

I will still be making poems for you

out of silence;

silence will be falling into that silence

it is building music

This is October, and light changes. The change of light from "day to night" or twilight, right now it is at its spooky best. I like it.  

Even morning light is different. I can feel it. Summer's death. It is in the air. So this is the time of year I honor the dead of my life. Those who love me still and I them. My mother and father, my brother Bobby, James, Amanda, Chuck, Karen. I have a tape of my father speaking, that I will listen to. He has a lovely voice, I am glad I have it on tape.  I will remember them all, each in a special way. I will use my prayer beads in honor of Chuck.  And I will also remember those taken by HIV/AIDS Tom Lewis, Tom Hammond, Billy, Bruce Kyle and James. They are all a part of who I am. 

Maybe I can also put to rest some aspects of my life that I need to stop, or leave behind, for they are no longer of use to me. I could transform those aspects that hurt me, simply by ignoring the impulses, forever, as if it is dead. Like my relationship with past loves who have hurt me, or moments between me and mom that I remember and keep hurting myself with. Things like that. Maybe I will make a list of those most hated moments, and leave them here in the october light to die.

Change

All this talk about change. I feel too old to change, too old too tired, the task beyond my energy. I made some changes this year.  I quit diet pepsi, splenda,  lexapro and welbrutin. Just feeling the feelings now. There are a lot of them. I cry every day at least twice a day. I am using food to change my low mood. I have gained weight and once again experienced that horrible shock when I saw a recent picture. omg i am fatter than ever. Older then ever. I am only getting fatter and older. Staying stuck in place. Doing what I have always done. Run for cover baby.