difficult to know

How do I recognize myself at this time in my life when so much change is happening?  I had a girlfriend then I thought no I don't but in fact yes I do.

I am not so familiar with this person who is trying to make a relationship work. I am not completely unfamiliar with myself and in some ways I have more knowledge of who I am and what I want than I ever have (cue years of therapy) ...but I have never been in a relationship allowing myself to be vulnerable and present. Presence equals vulnerability.

So now Maggie is back, has been for about a week now.  There have been many heart to heart discussions. Difficult for both of us. The reward for me was our mutual willingness to tolerate the difficult to get through to an understanding of each others needs and desires. She has confessed depression, which can come and go with degrees of severity. She was absent and uncommunicative because she had a serious bout that came on her without warning Like many with depression she is judging herself morally and in a harsh tone. She feels she should be able to just get over it. She has agreed to try therapy again.  I was clear about needing her to make every effort to get in therapy and begin to address her depression beyond what she is doing now. She agreed. She also asked if I would be able to give her space when she needed it. And I said yes, as long at the outset there was clear communication that that what was going on. She has to keep me informed. She has to let me share in that. She agreed that in time she would-she has never done that with anyone-she sees it as a burden so she retreats and deals alone and then comes back or doesn't. She came back -as hard as it was-and as difficult as it was she came back.

So we are trying and the lessons will come in the trying. I am seeing Susie (my old therapist) this Saturday to address my attraction to people who are not available. How permanent is my ptsd? How doomed am I?  I am preparing some notes for my meeting with Susie and look forward to the discussion and insights I hope to gain.

Maggie is back Saturday night and we see each other on Sunday. I gave her a little turtle, about the size of a button, to carry with her. I told her you are like a turtle...all protected with your shell. But notice this turtle..her head is out she is not hiding.