manifest

Creation begins in spirit, and then becomes manifest in the physical. Change is seeded first in awareness and then drops into reality through behavior...when the conditions for growth have been provided.-tree sisters

There has been a reversal of romance. But the lessons came in the trying..and there were many. Maggie has done a reversal. She has backed away, you could say abandoned me. First it was she was tired,  then sick, then exhausted,and now depressed. She stopped communicating. I still believe her intentions were good and she was trying. I just don't think she is capable of the intimacy she claimed that she was. She tried. And I still hold great admiration for her. She admits to flaws and she is being as good a person as she can be.

She stopped communicating without any explanation. I was left to imagine what was wrong. One minute she was there fully committed, caring deeply, and then cancelling dates and then nothing at all. She took away her attention, her emotional support and physical contact. She finally emailed that it wasn't me, she was depressed, and when she is depressed she withdraws. She apologized. And do not believe she will come back. I do not believe she is confident enough to try again or I would take her back.
 

When she first withdrew I had a really hard time, my ptsd kicked in. I had a full blown ptsd anxiety attack that lasted quite awhile, and had to call Sarah to calm  myself down. I am hurt. Trish and Sarah both gave me support. I did not smoke pot. I did eat a little too much and put on some pounds. But I did not binge or eat food that was not healthy-I did not buy a bag of chips and eat it. I rode the wave of my feelings and survived them. Nothing bad happened. I cried a lot. I panicked. I cried some more. I felt the fool for thinking this was going to be a good thing in my life. I felt ashamed that I allowed her into my bed. I felt stupid and embarrassed for telling people I had a girlfriend. I gave her her space and was supportive of her. But after several days and hours of examining what happened I have learned some things.

I had believed she was available. I lied to myself about that. I do that. I know we all do but I certainly did here. I saw her admissions and her efforts as equal to being present and available. I was wrong.

She is not available. That is what is attractive.
For two years I have had a crush on Maggie. And I have shown up mornings with a cup of coffee.Once a week sometimes. Twice a month at least. Listening to her. Supporting her through her break up and her daughter's illness. Building a friendship. So that when she called and asked me out I was thrilled and all too eager to believe what she was saying.

I took her intentions as reality.
Change is seeded first in awareness and then drops into reality through behavior...when the conditions for growth have been provided.- I thought because of her words what she was expressing-the willingness to get her life back, to try and be more communicative that those intentions would become reality. I believed I was providing conditions

I did the emotional heavy lifting. I always do.
That is me trying to make my mom like herself so she will like me. If I could just help someone understand themselves then they would be more accepting of themselves, be happier and then more accepting of others. I was expressive, kind, honest, vulnerable, understanding and unconditional. I am those things, but I also do those things on cue sometimes to get approval. That is me doing the heavy emotional lifting in most relationships so people will like me. All my intimate relationships.

Left without explnantion
My sister Betty, I am told, acted as my mother for the first five years of my life. At 18 Betty got pregnant, married in a hurry and left the family home.  There is a legendary story about me that on the morning of her wedding everyone dressed and ready to get to the church I sat down on the couch and flatly refused to go.

These are just some of the thoughts I have been having. All of this has sent me to go back and see Susie my therapist and do a check in.