more rain than usual this summer.
it was a productive stoner weekend. it was a vacation. a stay home vacation. i didnt worry about anything. it was an anxiety break. im still on break.
this is the text I woke up to this Monday morning from Kate
Hi. I had a weekend alone. I have been deep in my head which can
sometimes be bad. This weekend it wasn't. I was alone. But not lonely.
And I thought about you a lot. Because you have been alone. And you take
such good care of yourself and us. So. I love you. Thank you for making
me aware.
that was very sweet but i felt guilty because i binged all weekend and did not take care of myself. i escaped feeling bad.
Monday, August 24, 2015
weighs upon me
well it did for awhile. it weighed upon me that keck may have felt that i had forgotten about her. i did leave her a message but she did not reply. i got derailed from a lot while kate was divorcing erin. so all my free time was going to kate.
i finally reached out to keck but like i said no reply. then she was dead. committed suicide. shot herself and it really shook me. she killed herself and she had pts . i have pts. i have considered suicide but i always choose to stay/ i believe i always will and the thoughts of ending it means ending the pain. not ending my life. i want to stay and see the ending. im game for it most days.
i felt crappy. i think i found claire told me in March sometime that keck was dead. i felt crappy like i had let her down by not calling back sooner than i did. now in august i realized someting for the first time. she was not a good friend to me. she often let me down and was never there for me like my other friends who always show up. liz never showed up for me. so i let feeling crappy about all this go. what ever i gave liz, always felt like it wasnt enough for her. she wanted more without giving more to get it. she wasnt there for me because she didnt know how to. i forgive us both for being human and making mistakes. our intentions were good. rest in peace liz keck rest in peace.
i finally reached out to keck but like i said no reply. then she was dead. committed suicide. shot herself and it really shook me. she killed herself and she had pts . i have pts. i have considered suicide but i always choose to stay/ i believe i always will and the thoughts of ending it means ending the pain. not ending my life. i want to stay and see the ending. im game for it most days.
i felt crappy. i think i found claire told me in March sometime that keck was dead. i felt crappy like i had let her down by not calling back sooner than i did. now in august i realized someting for the first time. she was not a good friend to me. she often let me down and was never there for me like my other friends who always show up. liz never showed up for me. so i let feeling crappy about all this go. what ever i gave liz, always felt like it wasnt enough for her. she wanted more without giving more to get it. she wasnt there for me because she didnt know how to. i forgive us both for being human and making mistakes. our intentions were good. rest in peace liz keck rest in peace.
sustain
how do i sustain the healing?
and now i shut down because i am tired or weary so weary of me. i am tired of hating myself and letting myself down and feeling like crap.
and now i shut down because i am tired or weary so weary of me. i am tired of hating myself and letting myself down and feeling like crap.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
stuck at joy
when i got to the exercise about fun in the brene brown web class i quit. i couldn't do it. vacations and just for fun i dont do.i avoid it. i want to change that.
creating theatre is makes me feel alive
certain music makes me feel alive
directing makes me feel alive
driving fast with tunes cranked makes me happy
just out of the dryer fresh clean laundry- a good nuzzle
attention from the cats
cool side of the pillow
trees make me feel alive and swimming makes me feel good.
i feel vulnerable by my aging, i cant do anything but accept it, im aging and i am more vulnerable.
so learning how to be vulnerable and control my pts responses is on my mind a lot.
so i am stuck at joy. have been for months. dont have a lot of it. i have regrets and i know it is a simple matter of changing my thoughts. i say simple so i minimize it and making it easier to do it.
just took a facebook quiz test (a color test) and here is my result- accurate i would say
Wow! You answered all correctly and have scored the highest possible score! You have an impressive sight! You have the ability to notice the tiniest nuances and details, and nothing gets past you! Congratulations to you!
i do have the ability to notice the tiniest of nuances. i am observant. had to keep an eye out for predators and a raging alcoholic, by myself, by my little self. a little warrior of one. i arrive early to get the best and safest seat in the room. so as to have all the choices. and walking in late is disrespectful. but mostly it is best seat for observation.
still act like a warrior of one. a warrior who needs some joy.
i went joy riding this past weekend for the whole three days. smoked pot, ate whatever i wanted, as much as i wanted, drank wine...slept and got a ton of work done at home. made progress, cats and i hung out together. that is all. no people.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
i experience
i experience sadness, fear, anger in the extremes, every day. i am trying to change my response and I do sometimes for a period of time but then i loose it and start feeling crappy and respond badly to it. its like riding a roller coaster every day all day, never getting off. having only the short calm parts where you coast back in to home port.
yesterday dalton's voice was in my head trying to help me, and i told her to shuddup. the correct behavior is an exercise for me to yell-in my head or outloud- "stop" to negative voices, and to keep saying it if i need to.
meditation. it would be good to start my day with meditation, pills, coffee and write. that would be a life i could recognize. but can i sustain it? i spend a good deal of time thinking about that. no answer as of yet.
this is a free weekend. no obligations. just whatever i wish to do. so im doing this. i have my coffee. train whistle tells me it 6 a.m.
last week i got another call from another collection agency. my info got hacked. credit collection abuser number three actually said .."we know where you live" i had a bad time that day. but i managed to pull off a low key event and i drank wine which helped. i reported it to my attorney. that was thursday. then on fri my payroll check was not in my bank account. i had fumes left in my checking so i was counting on it being there...as it has been for going on 9 years. but no not there. new fin mgr fucked up put the wrong date didn't notice it was a sat. no money. bills due. rent. car.got an advance by check of $400 to cover. photo deposit on phone not working. banks says we've never seen anything like it. deposit it at credit union service center. sat drive to ypsilanti to deposit check. weds i call my bank ask to borrow 1K. got approved but they give me more to pay off my high interest credit cards..so eliminated those monthly payments.
i worry about money all the time. it makes me feel v vulnerable not to have enough to care for myself. . i dont manage my money in a logical way i have a distant relationship with it. true, no one taught me but im way past the age of "i got this" its not rocket science but my behaviors get in the way.
so double whammy last week on money fears. yes im drinking wine and smokin pot to change my feelings.
had meeting with Maggie. She was nice to me. ind even. that made for a difficult day. that was weds. had a staff retreat immediately after. I was in f/f. i had to work at staying present. to hear what was being said. i decided safer not to say anything until i had calmed down. it took two hours.
now deep into cleaning and organizing. new altar set. kitchen cupboards reorged. paying bills.
be back later today 7:54 a.m.
back
11:14 a.m.
been shopping
shopping and now eating fried chicken from plum. v good. ive been eating pretty much whatever i want today and yesterday.
6:21 p.m.
big decision made.getting rid of one shelvig unit and replacing with another with more storage.
new altar made.made a goddess altar in honor of michfest. doing lots laundry. clean sheets tonight.
mag was what you might call a "maybe this time" chance i took. but no more than that. just a frail hope that maybe it will happen this time. it didnt.
but ....maybe this time i can tell myself and believe it that im just human and i made a human mistake.i though she would bring security but instead she brought threats. that heart attack scenario at the end had my brother jimmy's name and behavior all over it. manipulator.
i still on occasion find some little remnant of her and immediately get rid of it. pisses me off when i find something. i let it go by getting rid of the object. letting go.
im de-cluttering. so far did kitchen shelves, scarf drawer,
made a mess at the house because that i can remedy.
yesterday dalton's voice was in my head trying to help me, and i told her to shuddup. the correct behavior is an exercise for me to yell-in my head or outloud- "stop" to negative voices, and to keep saying it if i need to.
meditation. it would be good to start my day with meditation, pills, coffee and write. that would be a life i could recognize. but can i sustain it? i spend a good deal of time thinking about that. no answer as of yet.
this is a free weekend. no obligations. just whatever i wish to do. so im doing this. i have my coffee. train whistle tells me it 6 a.m.
last week i got another call from another collection agency. my info got hacked. credit collection abuser number three actually said .."we know where you live" i had a bad time that day. but i managed to pull off a low key event and i drank wine which helped. i reported it to my attorney. that was thursday. then on fri my payroll check was not in my bank account. i had fumes left in my checking so i was counting on it being there...as it has been for going on 9 years. but no not there. new fin mgr fucked up put the wrong date didn't notice it was a sat. no money. bills due. rent. car.got an advance by check of $400 to cover. photo deposit on phone not working. banks says we've never seen anything like it. deposit it at credit union service center. sat drive to ypsilanti to deposit check. weds i call my bank ask to borrow 1K. got approved but they give me more to pay off my high interest credit cards..so eliminated those monthly payments.
i worry about money all the time. it makes me feel v vulnerable not to have enough to care for myself. . i dont manage my money in a logical way i have a distant relationship with it. true, no one taught me but im way past the age of "i got this" its not rocket science but my behaviors get in the way.
so double whammy last week on money fears. yes im drinking wine and smokin pot to change my feelings.
had meeting with Maggie. She was nice to me. ind even. that made for a difficult day. that was weds. had a staff retreat immediately after. I was in f/f. i had to work at staying present. to hear what was being said. i decided safer not to say anything until i had calmed down. it took two hours.
now deep into cleaning and organizing. new altar set. kitchen cupboards reorged. paying bills.
be back later today 7:54 a.m.
back
11:14 a.m.
been shopping
shopping and now eating fried chicken from plum. v good. ive been eating pretty much whatever i want today and yesterday.
6:21 p.m.
big decision made.getting rid of one shelvig unit and replacing with another with more storage.
new altar made.made a goddess altar in honor of michfest. doing lots laundry. clean sheets tonight.
mag was what you might call a "maybe this time" chance i took. but no more than that. just a frail hope that maybe it will happen this time. it didnt.
but ....maybe this time i can tell myself and believe it that im just human and i made a human mistake.i though she would bring security but instead she brought threats. that heart attack scenario at the end had my brother jimmy's name and behavior all over it. manipulator.
i still on occasion find some little remnant of her and immediately get rid of it. pisses me off when i find something. i let it go by getting rid of the object. letting go.
im de-cluttering. so far did kitchen shelves, scarf drawer,
made a mess at the house because that i can remedy.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Michfest diaspora
A diaspora (from Greek διασπορά, "scattering, dispersion") is a scattered population with a common origin in a smaller geographic locale.
HART, Michigan
Re-entry is difficult. I've been away from work and stress and home and loneliness for 7 days. Surrounded by voices and bodies of womyn, the sound of the shuttle, tent zippers, and the performers and artists on stages. My first trip was in the early nineties and my last is now a memory. I am so incredibly sad that the 40th was declared the last. I never feel safer or more sisterly love than when I am at Michfest.
The festival was an opening for me. It nourished me, it helped me define my self. I had a strong sense of belonging when there, a land where womyn from all over the world gathered, only womyn. seven days all made by womyn who wanted it, needed it so they created it and sustained it. Womyn confident and strong, amazon womyn.
I went by myself this time. Robbie and Julie and I drove there a day early to get in line for our favored camping spots. We were in the first 100 cars. Spent the day meeting womyn, being excited, laughing and just enjoying us..in anticipation of what would happen next. We slept overnight in our cars. I camped by myself in over 50's. I got up every morning and made my way as an observer in a place I knew I was going to lose, that was never going to be again.
I attended the Allies in Understanding workshops again this year. Which helped me get through those final days ..to help carry myself forward in this loss and to remember all that was great and good and original and spiritual about myself and my time there. We reminded ourselves about radical listening, discussed our impending diaspora and what people do to remind themselves of their lost land and culture, how to remember through food, and create rituals to keep it close and never forgotten. We talked about the importance of stories as a way not to disappear.
All this made me think about my own story. The story of my steps to the place I occupy now and my steps to where I want to go. Importance of story. I also felt validated for all the work I have done in my womyn's community as we recognized the lesbain feminist activism that brought so much forward in the lives of womyn. Starting with my activism and rights for single mom's, ERA campaigning, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Simple Gifts for the women's shelter, work against rape and sexual assault, Ujima, HAG, and now work in diversity and inclusion in philanthropy.
...please help this lovely and emotional woman.
On the last day I rose and struck what had been my shelter for a week, my campsite and gear. I packed up and carried it down to the shuttle stop, five trips I think. I was sweaty and exhausted physically and so sad. Had breakfast and said goodbye to R and J and headed off to get my gear loaded and get to the gate.But in my last moments I had made a mistake, I hauled all my stuff to a drop off not a pick up spot. I turned right when I should have turned left. The womyn driving the tractor was clear about where I should be and the rules, and really unwilling to help. I knew I could not carry all the gear to the right spot it was too far and I was spent. So I walked across to the night stage security post and asked for help from a womyn I had never met. Susan saw me. Me, through my exhaustion and emotional tears. Susan was reassuring and kind and confident that she could help me, one womyn of 6000+. She began working the short wave radio and asked the tractor driver on her next swing around if I could please jump on with my gear. Tractor lady said no. It was comforting that Susan was willing to help me. After a while I suggested that maybe I could haul everything to DART and catch a ride to the gate there and she agreed it was worth a try. I asked her how will I convince them to let me on a vehicle to the gate, and she said I am going to write you a note. I hauled my gear in three trips to DART and handed the note to the womyn in charge of gate shuttles there. She was kind and helpful, and did not judge the situation just accepted me and cautioned about a wait, and I was content to wait. Then I heard my name being called, and there was a womyn standing there who had been sent by Susan to get me to the gate. Susan had not dropped her promise to help me. She remembered I was there in need. We took my gear to the van and headed out for the gate with one stop to pick up two families at Sprouts. My eyes starting tearing again behind my big sunglasses when I felt the driver's hands take hold of mine. A simple gentle act of kindness, a touch to reassure me that she saw me, felt my pain and understood. She and I chatted all the way to the gate and she invited me to the Ohio womyn,s music festival in Sept. which I am considering. I will never forget these last few moments on the land, and remember the power of gentle kindness between womyn.
HART, Michigan
I attended the Allies in Understanding workshops again this year. Which helped me get through those final days ..to help carry myself forward in this loss and to remember all that was great and good and original and spiritual about myself and my time there. We reminded ourselves about radical listening, discussed our impending diaspora and what people do to remind themselves of their lost land and culture, how to remember through food, and create rituals to keep it close and never forgotten. We talked about the importance of stories as a way not to disappear.
All this made me think about my own story. The story of my steps to the place I occupy now and my steps to where I want to go. Importance of story. I also felt validated for all the work I have done in my womyn's community as we recognized the lesbain feminist activism that brought so much forward in the lives of womyn. Starting with my activism and rights for single mom's, ERA campaigning, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Simple Gifts for the women's shelter, work against rape and sexual assault, Ujima, HAG, and now work in diversity and inclusion in philanthropy.
...please help this lovely and emotional woman.
On the last day I rose and struck what had been my shelter for a week, my campsite and gear. I packed up and carried it down to the shuttle stop, five trips I think. I was sweaty and exhausted physically and so sad. Had breakfast and said goodbye to R and J and headed off to get my gear loaded and get to the gate.But in my last moments I had made a mistake, I hauled all my stuff to a drop off not a pick up spot. I turned right when I should have turned left. The womyn driving the tractor was clear about where I should be and the rules, and really unwilling to help. I knew I could not carry all the gear to the right spot it was too far and I was spent. So I walked across to the night stage security post and asked for help from a womyn I had never met. Susan saw me. Me, through my exhaustion and emotional tears. Susan was reassuring and kind and confident that she could help me, one womyn of 6000+. She began working the short wave radio and asked the tractor driver on her next swing around if I could please jump on with my gear. Tractor lady said no. It was comforting that Susan was willing to help me. After a while I suggested that maybe I could haul everything to DART and catch a ride to the gate there and she agreed it was worth a try. I asked her how will I convince them to let me on a vehicle to the gate, and she said I am going to write you a note. I hauled my gear in three trips to DART and handed the note to the womyn in charge of gate shuttles there. She was kind and helpful, and did not judge the situation just accepted me and cautioned about a wait, and I was content to wait. Then I heard my name being called, and there was a womyn standing there who had been sent by Susan to get me to the gate. Susan had not dropped her promise to help me. She remembered I was there in need. We took my gear to the van and headed out for the gate with one stop to pick up two families at Sprouts. My eyes starting tearing again behind my big sunglasses when I felt the driver's hands take hold of mine. A simple gentle act of kindness, a touch to reassure me that she saw me, felt my pain and understood. She and I chatted all the way to the gate and she invited me to the Ohio womyn,s music festival in Sept. which I am considering. I will never forget these last few moments on the land, and remember the power of gentle kindness between womyn.
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