i experience

i experience sadness, fear, anger in the extremes, every day. i am trying to change my response and I do sometimes for a period of time but then i loose it and start feeling crappy and respond badly to it. its like riding a roller coaster every day all day, never getting off. having only the short calm parts where you coast back in to home port.

yesterday dalton's voice was in my head trying to help me, and i told her to shuddup. the correct behavior is an exercise for me to yell-in my head or outloud- "stop" to negative voices, and to keep saying it if i need to.

meditation. it would be good to start my day with meditation, pills, coffee and write. that would be a life i could recognize. but can i sustain it? i spend a good deal of time thinking about that. no answer as of yet.

this is a free weekend. no obligations. just whatever i wish to do. so im doing this. i have my coffee. train whistle tells me it 6 a.m.

last week i got another call from another collection agency. my info got hacked. credit collection abuser number three actually said .."we know where you live" i had a bad time that day. but i managed to pull off a low key event and i drank wine which helped. i reported it to my attorney. that was thursday. then on fri my payroll check was not in my bank account. i had fumes left in my checking so i was counting on it being there...as it has been for going on 9 years. but no not there. new fin mgr fucked up put the wrong date didn't notice it was a sat. no money. bills due. rent. car.got an advance by check of $400 to cover. photo deposit on phone not working. banks says we've never seen anything like it. deposit it at credit union service center. sat drive to ypsilanti to deposit check. weds i call my bank ask to borrow 1K. got approved but they give me more to pay off my high interest credit cards..so eliminated those monthly payments.

i worry about money all the time. it makes me feel v vulnerable not to have enough to care for myself. . i dont manage my money in a logical way i have a distant relationship with it. true, no one taught me but im way past the age of "i got this" its not rocket science but my behaviors get in the way.

so double whammy last week on money fears. yes im drinking wine and smokin pot to change my feelings. 

had meeting with Maggie. She was nice to me. ind even. that made for a difficult day. that was weds. had a staff retreat immediately after. I was in f/f. i had to work at staying present. to hear what was being said. i decided safer  not to say anything until i had calmed down. it took two hours.

now deep into cleaning and organizing. new altar set. kitchen cupboards reorged. paying bills.

be back later today 7:54 a.m.

back

11:14 a.m.
been shopping
shopping and now eating fried chicken from plum. v good. ive been eating pretty much whatever i want today and yesterday. 

6:21 p.m.
big decision made.getting rid of one shelvig unit and replacing with another with more storage.
new altar made.made a goddess altar in honor of michfest. doing lots laundry. clean sheets tonight.


mag was what you might call a "maybe this time" chance i took. but no more than that.  just a frail hope that maybe it will happen this time. it didnt.

but ....maybe this time i can tell myself and believe it that im just human and i made a human mistake.i though  she would bring security but instead she brought threats. that heart attack scenario at the end had my brother jimmy's name and behavior all over it. manipulator.

i still on occasion find some little remnant of her and immediately get rid of it. pisses me off when i find something. i let it go by getting rid of the object. letting go.

im de-cluttering. so far did kitchen shelves, scarf drawer,

made a mess at the house because that i can remedy.