Not

If I'm guilty of one thing I'm guilty of all of it.

Today I kept my word to myself. Pats on my back for that.

 STOP

Saying stop to the intrusive thoughts.

starting over

off from the starting gate morning one

i have been on a serious binge since michfest and today i wish to stop that behavior and turn it around. my behaviors are harming actually halting and reversing my good work and health achievements.

there is no wine and no pot in the house. i keep this record to know when i made this promise to my self. i know what to do. meditate every day, take my meds, get some exercise momentum going at rec center and eat healthy. lets see what i can do and how far i can go.lets see how much better i feel.

i can do this. i have done this. i know how to do this. i can do it again.

i will feel better. i will feel so much better. i look forward to feeling that good again.

so with doc i agreed to

say stop when the bad thoughts come
mediatate
be creative

today is predicted to be a rain day, so rain and music and housecleaning for saturday ... it rained overnight with lightning and thunder last night but i slept through most of it.

today i agreed

what i agreed to in therapy today

today i agreed.
i did not disagree
i interrupted my impulse to disagree
"thats an interesting thought" or "thank you" are possible new responses

 i agreed to starting a meditation practice

i agreed to doing something creative

i can let it go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
~Saphire Rose

(Art: Trini Schultz, thanks to Source of the Earth)

that time of year when the season changes

thats whats happening now. summer ending, fall arriving. the air and light is different too. school year has started and kids are back in school as are the cheese buses. the energy of autumn is here. its a different hustle on the street. people pick up the pace of their walk.

true to my own rituals i have been reorganizing my space and possessions. shedding what i no longer need and rearranging the furniture. ive replaced the shower curtain liner and relocated the litter box.

made a decision. listening to dalton in a way that i hear her.
when she makes a statement that i want to discount. i will resist that urge, and instead accept what doc has said. accept what i wish to reject.

change

vulnerable. practice vulnerability every day

change

shame. let go of it. don't let the need to understand it block the letting go of it.

i always feel good during the autumn months. i feel more possibility for change.

recovery
im in recovery from trauma
i have been for the greater part of my life

i have accomplished many things in spite of and because of this state of being
doc asked for a list of accomplishments

there are two lists
one of personal achievement
one is social change

social change
ujima theatre company
era extension campaign
drama workshops at correctional facility-convicted rapists
writing workshop womens correctional facility
training and presentations on sexual assault/date rape/increased prosecution rate
acting workshops/classes for lesbians1994-95
published yalla bitch
founded lesbian theatre company 1994
founded dyke march bflo 2001
lesbian health care project
dykes do drag artistic director and executive producer

unpaid fundraiser for MOMMA, day care, ERA, Casting Hall, Ujima, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Bflo Pride, Dyke March, HAG,  Bflo Lesbian Health Care Project,Simple Gifts, Earth's Daughters, Benedict House, Just Buffalo Literary Center, NOW Buffalo Chapter, Erie County Citizens Committee Against Rape and Sexual Assault, high school yearbook, PEAR Kenya, Michigan Marriage Challenge

sat on the board NOW Bflo, Erie Co Citizens Com Against rape and sexual assault, Buffalo Pride, HAG Theatre, PEAR Kenya, AFP Detroit, A2 Network

paid fundraiser Hallwalls, Ujima, CEPA, Casting Hall SUCB, Menorah Campus, Arts Council of Bflo and Erie Co, HRWC, El Museo, Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit

personal achiewelfare

Sought help
finished college while on welfare
i see people and things others miss, because i am alert
highly perceptive bullshit detector
sensitive and kind
motivated activist
grateful to ancestors
artist
mother
friend
capable of more
bear for hard work
artistic collaborations with ron ehmke, trish kerle, alexis de veaux, lorna hill, jimmie gilliam, sarah norat phillips, peggy shaw, tatiana de le tierra, madeline davis
presented mostly queer artists ron ehmke, holly hughes, Betty, Kate Clinton, lea delaria, bitch, toshi, david sedaris, patty lupone, dorothy alison, jacquelyn woodson, sister spit, split britches, peggy shaw and lois weaver.

don't hear

I dont hear from kate as often as i used to. I understand why. Still it hurts a little bit to not hear from her as much as I was. I understand that she will be 40 in Nov. so what would I expect?  She is very much involved in her life, job, friends, Jane and the kids. Of course she loves me as much as she always has...but i just hear from her less and our talk seems stale so maybe these questions will help. Instead
of always asking about the weather....

1.  What did you eat for lunch?
2. Did you catch anyone picking their nose?
3. What games did you play at recess?
4. What was the funniest thing that happened today?
5. Did anyone do anything super nice for you?
6. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else?
7. Who made you smile today?
8. Which one of your teachers would survive a zombie apocalypse? Why?
9. What new fact did you learn today?
10. Who brought the best food in their lunch today? What was it?
11. What challenged you today?
12. If school were a ride at the fair, which ride would it be? Why?
13. What would you rate your day on a scale of 1 to 10? Why?
14. If one of your classmates could be the teacher for the day who would you want it to be? Why?
15. If you had the chance to be the teacher tomorrow, what would you teach the class?
16. Did anyone push your buttons today?
17. Who do you want to make friends with but haven’t yet? Why not?
18. What is your teacher’s most important rule?
19. What is the most popular thing to do at recess?
20. Does your teacher remind you of anyone else you know? How?
21. Tell me something you learned about a friend today.
22. If aliens came to school and beamed up 3 kids, who do you wish they would take? Why?
23. What is one thing you did today that was helpful?
24. When did you feel most proud of yourself today?
25. What rule was the hardest to follow today?
26. What is one thing you hope to learn before the school year is over?
27. Which person in your class is your exact opposite?
28. Which area of your school is the most fun?
29. Which playground skill do you plan to master this year?
30. Does anyone in your class have a hard time following the rules?

August 2015

what made it and how do i get back to where i belong?

I let myself off the hook for all of it.

it started with the last michfest. i experienced it alone. my choice. alone with my thoughts and motivations. lovely but emotional.

the secret eating what i want by eating alone started at michfest and continued to increase both in variety and amount. by months end i had gained 10 pounds. all clothes are tight and snug. it doesnt feel good.

but i got a lot of sleep .. sleep in which i was free from anxiety. i was free from torturous thoughts. i am a free person in my sleep.

there was the weekend i invited people to my house sat night for drinks etc and no one could come. i tried to find folks to do anything with. everyone had other plans.

no mater i got busy reorg the house cleaning the car fixing the vacuum changing the furniture new towels and bedspread color my hair get rid of some of the grey. or is it gray.

got another call from another collection agency. had a bad two days. just one call and it stopped. everyone who calls surprises me with the intensity of their hostile threats. the calls remind me of when i was always broke dodging calls that were legit. when i owed everybody and had not enough funds ever.

things are better now but i don't feel secure or safe financially. i feel vulnerable for lack of money.

ive paid a lot off and i maintain one time payments for current debt.  have decreased old debt but increased monthly expenses. so no significant gain. i have a bigger bed and i drive a new car that is leased. i am mobile and i can eat what i want.still  i am skating on ice. thats how it feels.

i hate mag more then ever. i love maggie still. im upset that in oct i will really lose her when she leaves jolly. all these years any time i wanted to see her all i had to do was stop in and there she was. im loing that and it makes me v sad.

i didnt really talk to trish or robbie or anyone i kept to myself. last night i noticed 5 calls from trish on my call log. unusual so that means i dropped out so much in august trish called a lot to check on me.

august, washtenaw county

let go of a lot of anxiety at work. calming myself all the time. i dont need to have all the answers.

stress free well almost

i am still taking my vacation from stress the dominant theme of my life. something i think i hid better, when younger. stress sows more when you are older. i see it more on me than i did before.

what did i learn on my summer vacation?

that i will miss michfest forever but am grateful for being present with my sisters this last time. very grateful that i camped alone and experienced it with mostly womyn i did not know and would never see again. some of that good kindness of strangers. went to allies in understanding and it was a good experience, again, and it helped me understand how to move forward with my feelings of loss.

that i loved scurrying out of work every day. that i loved coming home and being by myself, no social obligations, just naps with the cats. i did a lot of housework and re-org kinds of activities. i like those. i did a bunch of spaces, cupboards, closet, drawers, car, kitchen pantry, and there are more to do. there always is. i used to think i just want to get it all done...when will it ever be done?  its never done and is that not a comfort. that continual pull to move to a simple task? busy work.

very aware of how present and now not present i am. i moved to the opposite end of the spectrum.

the idea that i wont know where maggie is, after she leaves in october, distresses me. now it feels like it is really ending. she will disappear into the scenery. this next week is my last time working with her. it makes me sad. the loss of maggie still causes me distress. it hurts just as much as it ever did and i am still learning to respond to it, to get used to it, and fully accept it as an unrequited love.

i hate okcupid. it depresses me. its stupid.

i have yet to determine the reason or origin of this most recent binge. i needed relief from sorrow. i was weary very weary. but i did more than binge i did it in excess. i ate foods i had not eaten in years. i am eating cheese and dairy and feeling crappy. i had pizaa and wings delivered to the house. i have not done that in 9 years. but crappy better than weary. i am drinking wine and smoking pot. and im enjoying the change of feeling. it is a change of feeling.

that i miss feeling healthy and lighter. i ache all over. everything hurts. my feet. my ankles are swollen. that i hate senior discounts and having a daughter who is turning 40 in two months.