stress free well almost

i am still taking my vacation from stress the dominant theme of my life. something i think i hid better, when younger. stress sows more when you are older. i see it more on me than i did before.

what did i learn on my summer vacation?

that i will miss michfest forever but am grateful for being present with my sisters this last time. very grateful that i camped alone and experienced it with mostly womyn i did not know and would never see again. some of that good kindness of strangers. went to allies in understanding and it was a good experience, again, and it helped me understand how to move forward with my feelings of loss.

that i loved scurrying out of work every day. that i loved coming home and being by myself, no social obligations, just naps with the cats. i did a lot of housework and re-org kinds of activities. i like those. i did a bunch of spaces, cupboards, closet, drawers, car, kitchen pantry, and there are more to do. there always is. i used to think i just want to get it all done...when will it ever be done?  its never done and is that not a comfort. that continual pull to move to a simple task? busy work.

very aware of how present and now not present i am. i moved to the opposite end of the spectrum.

the idea that i wont know where maggie is, after she leaves in october, distresses me. now it feels like it is really ending. she will disappear into the scenery. this next week is my last time working with her. it makes me sad. the loss of maggie still causes me distress. it hurts just as much as it ever did and i am still learning to respond to it, to get used to it, and fully accept it as an unrequited love.

i hate okcupid. it depresses me. its stupid.

i have yet to determine the reason or origin of this most recent binge. i needed relief from sorrow. i was weary very weary. but i did more than binge i did it in excess. i ate foods i had not eaten in years. i am eating cheese and dairy and feeling crappy. i had pizaa and wings delivered to the house. i have not done that in 9 years. but crappy better than weary. i am drinking wine and smoking pot. and im enjoying the change of feeling. it is a change of feeling.

that i miss feeling healthy and lighter. i ache all over. everything hurts. my feet. my ankles are swollen. that i hate senior discounts and having a daughter who is turning 40 in two months.