August 2015

what made it and how do i get back to where i belong?

I let myself off the hook for all of it.

it started with the last michfest. i experienced it alone. my choice. alone with my thoughts and motivations. lovely but emotional.

the secret eating what i want by eating alone started at michfest and continued to increase both in variety and amount. by months end i had gained 10 pounds. all clothes are tight and snug. it doesnt feel good.

but i got a lot of sleep .. sleep in which i was free from anxiety. i was free from torturous thoughts. i am a free person in my sleep.

there was the weekend i invited people to my house sat night for drinks etc and no one could come. i tried to find folks to do anything with. everyone had other plans.

no mater i got busy reorg the house cleaning the car fixing the vacuum changing the furniture new towels and bedspread color my hair get rid of some of the grey. or is it gray.

got another call from another collection agency. had a bad two days. just one call and it stopped. everyone who calls surprises me with the intensity of their hostile threats. the calls remind me of when i was always broke dodging calls that were legit. when i owed everybody and had not enough funds ever.

things are better now but i don't feel secure or safe financially. i feel vulnerable for lack of money.

ive paid a lot off and i maintain one time payments for current debt.  have decreased old debt but increased monthly expenses. so no significant gain. i have a bigger bed and i drive a new car that is leased. i am mobile and i can eat what i want.still  i am skating on ice. thats how it feels.

i hate mag more then ever. i love maggie still. im upset that in oct i will really lose her when she leaves jolly. all these years any time i wanted to see her all i had to do was stop in and there she was. im loing that and it makes me v sad.

i didnt really talk to trish or robbie or anyone i kept to myself. last night i noticed 5 calls from trish on my call log. unusual so that means i dropped out so much in august trish called a lot to check on me.

august, washtenaw county

let go of a lot of anxiety at work. calming myself all the time. i dont need to have all the answers.