keeping house

 sustain
steady as she goes
calm
non reactive
reactive has been my life jacket
take the life jacket off
and remain safe
choose to feel differently
this moment is impermanent
life is fluid
recognize that
as sustaining

hold on to let go

I feel trapped.

I don't want- but -do need my job. That car lease payment needs to happen every four weeks.

I am doing too much work. I work and then I work some more and bury my dreams

I gave up when i left home now 13 years ago

Friday Feb 26

Nice to come home to a clean home before the weekend. weekend has less chore in it. more space for me. maybe less stress. more pause. cook dinner for Audrey deliver dinner then just what i decide.

home
i have recreated my family home in every physical environment i have ever created.  big flowers. reds oranges brown tones and some sea green. old furniture. quilts. lamps. fresh flowers. when i look around tonight I see my mother's hall bureau in my bedroom holding some of her treasures. china. tea cups. tea pots, hot tea with sugar and cream, china girl. she loved china. had a lot of it. collected and displayed it. she really thought about her home and decorating it. truth be told she made two beautiful homes. art on the walls. clean and organized.
both had books and bookshelves. books and bookshelves. right there in the corner. my books and bookshelves.

why meditate

steadfastness
compassionate gesture to cultivate steadfastness in ourselves
clear seeing
getting closer and closer to yourself-see what you are doing over and over again and the habitual patterns that limit our life. meditation deepens your understanding of yourself
courage
you develop a courage that allows your innate wisdom to come through and loosens the way we  create suffering in ourselves
 attention
fuel for your personal journey brings you to your edge and accepting the moment
no big deal
we become flexible to the present moment

morning light

I love the morning light. something about it.
it feels safe to come to work early and in the quiet start my day without distraction or interruption. the view the view out my window is trees and water and railroad tracks. I love this view in the morning. I enjoy it all day but I love it in the morning.

now every morning an intention. as I rise I pause and make an intention for the day. as I step out onto porch I pause again and look around at where I am and take notice of what is around me...breath deep and make my intention again. I could say repeat but I make it again. there is a difference.

I cancelled the house cleaner she wanted $150..that is highway robbery for my  postage stamp sized apartment. Have to find someone else.

Back in PT for my right shoulder and left hip S1 joint. Getting old is challenging in many ways expected and not expected. Forgetfulness to the point of delusion, wear glasses when I drive, pee more often, the grey white hair  ... all expected. so many many many chin hairs? No. I spent so many hours repeating the motion for pulling out chin hairs I enlarged my first knuckle on my right hand first finger and gave myself tendinitis in my right shoulder.The mouse at work contributed and the way I hold a steering wheel. Now i shave and have made an appointment for laser treatments. I am my sister. No surprise we had a mother very invested in her appearance.  I was in junior high when Mom took me to the beauty counter in AM&A's department store, first floor, mirrors all around and pretty lighting. I felt self conscious and uncomfortable. She wanted them to teach me to bleach my mustache with Jolene Cream Bleach. And so it began. Then she came after my uni brow and taught how to pluck my eyebrows. My unruly thick curly hair defeated her so I took over there with curling irons blow-dryers curlers and dippity do...and trial and error. Hundreds of hours removing or hiding hairs unwanted and trying to bring order to my head o hair ... I was vain about it, and now it is grey and thinning. The thinning terrifies me.  An obsession with hair and appearance .. inherited from my mother. Peg had beautiful hair. Red head. And a smile that was sweet when she allowed herself the luxury of a smile. She went to the beauty parlor every week, and then had my Dad drive and then had the beauty parlor come  to her at the house. She shopped for smart looking outfits, that she matched with colorful bold jewelry in bracelets and earrings and brooches. She enjoyed soaking in a hot tub, and was always applying lotion to her hands and moisturizers to her face. She was resilient and pissed off most of the time. She was smart and needed more intellectual stimulation than she was getting staying home with 4 children. Peg founded and named herself in charge of St. Bernadette's Altar and Rosary Society...church work organizing fundraisers,  pulling together a newsletter and mailings from her dining room table over pots of hot tea with other women for the "society"

pause

I have been taking an online course with Pema Choden. It has been good for me to start my day with Pema. I have been more motivated and less stressed since I began the course.

Did a sound healing with GB. Beautiful experience.  Bounty of sound and love. I felt safe and was able miraculously to keep my eyes closed for 45 minutes and be very awake but inside myself with just the sound. It was a healing experience to feel safe all that time.

Saw doc W and got a good report that sugars are lower. It is important to me that she never gives up on me. Doing  kidney sonogram tomorrow, and urine collection this weekend. Crazy. I'm concerned but telling myself not to worry yet.

Back in PT with B.  Tendinitis in my shoulder. Result of driving with right hand/arm only, mouse at work, and plucking chin hairs. Shaving now.

Forgot to pause on the way to PT. Couldn't find it and being lost or rather not knowing where I am going..exactly where..is a hook for me. And I did not pause, I didn't get too worked up but I was very stressed in the car.

Back at the gym. 5 days last week. New work schedule 7-3 is helpful in getting me to the gym. Less stressful at 3. Feels good to be back at the gym.

did a big house clean this weekend. the place looks good. got it clean in time for the cleaning lady coming today to give me an estimate on a heavy clean. because shoulder is limiting my strength right now...I need help with the hard stuff.

Bflo trip home, the first weekend was hard, I was stressed while there and sad when I got home. I couldn't figure out what it was...Robbie was very ill, A and R are fighting, there was the drunk guy at A's bday dinner, Kate and I got into it. Got hooked by Kate, left, was really stressed, the reigned it in and called her and talked to her. All good.Then there was Ron's show. Nostalgic, room filled w people who know me as an artist. Kate looked around and said these are our people. Maybe it was all that.

Learned in absence from Dalton

Life is fluid and will change, and reminding  I got through an episode I may have saved for Dalton before we moved to every two weeks.

Learned that I can handle two weeks which is strength building.

and something I haven't talked to Dalton about Laura...Jen..and how I feel around Laura and the if only she knew stuff.