I feel on a precipice. I have felt like this before. Usually when I am trying to give myself a pep-talk, telling myself that I will be different, that I know how to get thinner, more beautiful, more likeable, earn more money, have nicer clothes, get out of debt, and have a safe retirement.
The idea of a good girl. Clean, sharp, smart and attractive.
And if I don't do all those things then I am a bad girl.
The more aware I become of all the ramifications of events in my life, the more there is the manage. Sometimes the realizations are overwhelming and I have to remind myself not to feel guilty and or embarrassed or ashamed.
Like I think in some weird way, that my fat, my big belly, is me carrying shame and guilt. And when I eat too much I am feeding my shame and believe I am a loser. When I eat healthy and exercise I doing self care and I value myself.
SO many negative messages all day every day. I try and yell stop to myself and change the script in my head but it is difficult, or at least impossible. The memories or the movies as I call them come every single day.
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