surgery friday

left hand carpal tunnel surgery today. nervous. anxious. little light headed.  day five no pot. had a good day yesterday. very tired. haven't been sleeping as well as when I smoke pot. sleeping about five hours a night.

most welcome good day

yesterday was a good day.

saw Allison for our second session. I am glad to be back in therapy. I "felt" that as I sat there. Yeah this feels right it feels good to be here...I get to talk to someone who can help me. that is a good feeling to connect.  shame can only survive in the dark, when you bring it into the light you change it. so that will be our goal. yesterday she suggested we not go back to all the sexual abuse she feels that I have examined that at great length. what a relief...what we will work on is what is left the shame and my other big fear -turning 60. which I am having hard with...60? who is that? that is not me. if it is not methen who is it and who am I...oh bother said pooh to tigger..

but I am depressed anxious scared unhappy most unhappy regretful...mid life crisis... feels more like late life...so the big bad angry girl that was tough and strong is turning sixty and I don't move as fast as I did... I have less energy and I feel myself diminishing. so where is Margaret? because that is not me. super ego has been banging away at me...really pounding me. harsh and judgmental no compassion...which keeps me contained..keeps me returning to the strategies that helped survive and gave me my identity. I have been going to practicing presence for two years.

And was the big bad angry Margaret real or just blustery to cover up her vulnerability..to not appear vulnerable..just showing the shell...was I a phony or what was valid and true or authentic about my life?
I said I was going to meditate...but really I have been going to be present in the moment and allow what is bubbling up inside to come through...not smoking pot helps me be present...eating healthy..exercising helps me feel better physically...Alison gave me another way to look at what I am experiencing.

went to the race conversations yesterday at zingtrain and it was wonderful. I had a better feeling about a2 after that. I met ppl of color who live and work in a2. for the first time since moving here I found people gathered in a room where I felt comfortable and engaged. I did not feel like an outsider. we talked about issues I care about. I was in a room where ppl allowed themselves to be vulnerable and talk about uncomfortable things...and dialogue. I am attracted to that because as child I was talked at..there was little dialogue..i had a good time..being with people who care about other people and our cultures, peoples ability to have as much in life as everybody has..maybe that s why I am comfortable there because as a child I felt I had to fight to have what others had...I understand coming out from under the oppression...I identify with that struggle of walking into a room and not feeling welcome.

day four no pot..or is it day five..i want to stay off it. I want to stay off it..that means I stay present with the pain of my past and the fear  of my future...but it could mean staying present

ended the day with a yummy dinner that I shared with crash and jump.

let cats out

wake let cats out pee boil water make coffee take meds write watch tv facebook email let cats in pet Crash  eat wash dress cry drive type make tea type call talk email  type facebook call drive eat type talk write plan talk pee email call write drive post office workout drive get mail eat cry pet Crash pet Jump watch tv pet Crash  Jump pee take meds sleep...

no wonder I am depressed

I  cry in grief every day of my life. who cries every day?
I do I cry every day of my life for as long as I can remember
I remember a bright little girl so very curious about her world...and then I started crying every day and still do
now I look in the mirror and see an old woman who's life is diminished by age and illness and disease who works because she needs meds and needs meds so she works..i miss my bohemian life...waking every day again to be curious and have hope of my world my neighborhood.
not much of a life
now I wake in a city where few know me and no one really needs or wants me for anything other than going to lunch or dinner
relief comes when I go to the theatre or to ums or to a movie or to um to see holly or larry
the best days are spent with kate carmen and sarah but they are too few...too few

yesterday donna snyder told me she was shocked that I was turning 60 she thought I was 45. lol. yesterday I spent 70 to get a haircut I hate. seems what I do in ann arbor. in bflo I moved in ann arbor I get bad haircuts. and it makes me so upset...I don't recognize me in a lousy haircut.

brussel sprouts and bacon

making my favorite breakfast. kate got a terrific job offer yesterday. proud of her diligence...hanging in there.

no pot today. all gone. the question is can I not buy it today. will I recommit to my job and get busy vs my everyday escape as of late.

who will take me to my surgery on Friday?  what will I do when I turn 60?

why am I alone? I have been alone for most of my life. am I always recreating that because that is what is familiar and I recognize it and anything is unrecognizable to me?

will I write every day? will I make the hag video? how will I celebrate my 60th bday? here or in bflo? big party or a beach house to hang out in with my friends over the summer?

day one no pot...how long will I go?

and it continues....

I have a choice. I can keep smoking pot and fucking up and loosing what life I have left, Or I can leave it. Stop buying it. Stop buying it for others. Stop hurting my lungs, my body. I have put on 10 pounds  (I am guessing) after all that hard work. I returned to the familiar. I stopped working out and my lower back pain came back. I am numb emotionally but feeling physically sick. I was lonely so very lonely after Kate left. We had a wonderful  time. Wonderful. It was a treat to have her company every day. To wake up with my daughter here was just so wonderful. And now my deepening depression and bad choices has made me loose the new me. The one who was taking pretty good care of me. Gone. Is this what I really want?

falling in to the abyss

I have done it again with all the predictability I have come to expect of my self. I bought pot for Jared. Split it with him. Bought pot again and then again. So I am now nearing the end of a 3/4 of an ounce of pot,  smoking since Friday last. it has been seven days of wake and bake and I am putting on weight because I am eating a lot.Not present at all and missing work for three days. Just popping in and doing the least required and then disappearing home to invisibility. Absence of presence.

manifesto

I realize that my self doubt, and an internalized hate and sorrow about me has to stop. It is chronic and complex, some of which is tied to my ptsd. I am miserable in my spirit. I criticize everything about myself and others. In the days since the accident I have struggled to sleep, struggled with tears, considered suicide yet again. .
I miss creating theatre. I fear loss of income to get back to it. But more than that I fear being good enough. I need  manifesto that I create to help live my life with compassion and love. To live an ethical life and embrace all of my life experience and forgive me forgive me forgive me..
Manifesto
Stop hating myself and accept me for what I am...I am what I am and I deserve my own love.