yesterday was a good day.
saw Allison for our second session. I am glad to be back in therapy. I "felt" that as I sat there. Yeah this feels right it feels good to be here...I get to talk to someone who can help me. that is a good feeling to connect. shame can only survive in the dark, when you bring it into the light you change it. so that will be our goal. yesterday she suggested we not go back to all the sexual abuse she feels that I have examined that at great length. what a relief...what we will work on is what is left the shame and my other big fear -turning 60. which I am having hard with...60? who is that? that is not me. if it is not methen who is it and who am I...oh bother said pooh to tigger..
but I am depressed anxious scared unhappy most unhappy regretful...mid life crisis... feels more like late life...so the big bad angry girl that was tough and strong is turning sixty and I don't move as fast as I did... I have less energy and I feel myself diminishing. so where is Margaret? because that is not me. super ego has been banging away at me...really pounding me. harsh and judgmental no compassion...which keeps me contained..keeps me returning to the strategies that helped survive and gave me my identity. I have been going to practicing presence for two years.
And was the big bad angry Margaret real or just blustery to cover up her vulnerability..to not appear vulnerable..just showing the shell...was I a phony or what was valid and true or authentic about my life?
I said I was going to meditate...but really I have been going to be present in the moment and allow what is bubbling up inside to come through...not smoking pot helps me be present...eating healthy..exercising helps me feel better physically...Alison gave me another way to look at what I am experiencing.
went to the race conversations yesterday at zingtrain and it was wonderful. I had a better feeling about a2 after that. I met ppl of color who live and work in a2. for the first time since moving here I found people gathered in a room where I felt comfortable and engaged. I did not feel like an outsider. we talked about issues I care about. I was in a room where ppl allowed themselves to be vulnerable and talk about uncomfortable things...and dialogue. I am attracted to that because as child I was talked at..there was little dialogue..i had a good time..being with people who care about other people and our cultures, peoples ability to have as much in life as everybody has..maybe that s why I am comfortable there because as a child I felt I had to fight to have what others had...I understand coming out from under the oppression...I identify with that struggle of walking into a room and not feeling welcome.
day four no pot..or is it day five..i want to stay off it. I want to stay off it..that means I stay present with the pain of my past and the fear of my future...but it could mean staying present
ended the day with a yummy dinner that I shared with crash and jump.
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