Ali and all that I miss so much

3/12/2015

I miss being surrounded by dykes. Surrounded and part of a tribe, experiencing a sense of belonging. Last night I captured that for a brief amount of time and I was so charged by it, I could not sleep when I got home. Accomplished a bunch of stuff I had been avoiding. Felt inspired.

Yesterday Dalton told me she has always hoped I would write a book about my life. I have always wanted to do that. But I stop myself after the dreaming. I imagine it, see it and hope that others can know they are not alone.

I remember my first trip to lesbian archives in Brooklyn and how rummaging through boxes and finding myself in the faces and lives of others and how it elevated me, moved me, inspired me. Thank you Joan Nestle.

Ali Liebegott spoke last night at EMU and it was such a kick for me to be with her. I love her. She said I moved to San Francisco to be a dyke and a writer. She did what I always dreamed of. Instead I stayed put where I was planted and embraced my own dyke community and created HAG. I miss it.

illuminate

yesterday i gave effort to illuminating my desires...

it started with changing an answer. i always have said i would never kill myself because of what it would do to my daughter. true. but also i would not do it because i have worked so hard for so long to heal my traumas. because of my many close friendships that have sustained me for years. because in my darkest moments i have always found a way to reach out and continue. i wouldn't do it because i am resilient. in some fortunate way i have a combination of strength, and bravery that acts like a rudder and propels me forward into my days. i still believe i can find joy beyond a bag of potato chips and a joint. i wouldn't do it because i have had the chances and turned away.

i know
that practicing gratitude will honor what Liz lost by killing herself.
that she had every right to end her suffering.

that i have things i want to do
that i have a new story to write
that if i can learn to be vulnerable the words for the new story will come

Of note...

I have to say that I am shocked. Shocked at what I have forgotten or cannot remember that I did or what I was to have done and didn't. Then like a tidal wave it comes rushing to the front of your brain and you freeze. Or you see something on your calendar and have absolutely NO memory of having actually attended the meeting. Panic. I panic. Like how could I phucking forget that? I used to be the one with the long memory. Not anymore.

I am missing Mag. That surprises me, but I am also remembering more of her as she was at the beginning, or rather how we were together. It was very nice for a minute. The truth is I was never completely comfortable with her. I resisted her. I didn't find her incredibly sexually attractive. There was some sort of weirdness with her that I have not yet completely resolved or understood. I think she lied about our first night together. Why did I not pay attention to that?

Tell Dalton (therapist) the obvious which you are not telling her.

I am very upset about Keck's suicide.  I keep crying.  I keep seeing her in her kitchen. She has the gun in her hand and she is pointing it at her own heart. And she is so very unhappy and scared. And I get so freaked as I imagine her pulling it, because she did. I wonder about the care takers and what they ignored or failed to see. I wonder about her meds. Who was watching her?  And then I get scared for me, because we have so much in common. Liz killed herself and she had ptsd, so do I. She was 60 and she did it. So never too old to commit suicide.

feel like crap

and i must like it that way. I'm  on a binge, a classic, giant, old school ice cream potato chip hamburger and fries, snickers bars food binge. Very old behavior. And a roll me another joint wake and bake pot binge. It feels horribly wonderful.  Sipping coffee and smoked my first joint. I have put on 12 pounds in two weeks. and today is Sunday and  no work. Today I'm down to my last joint. Thank goodness. Today I return to the land of the present.

The present, where Liz Keck no longer lives because she killed herself. Shot herself in the heart. So very sad. PTSD sufferer. I understand. You just don't want to feel anything anymore. Liz talked about how scared she was, she worried a lot about money, felt very alone.  We had a ton of fun together, we played and played the silliest games but we had a ton of fun. Keck was sweet and kind. But then Julie died and we all changed. Death changes everything. Keck began to run hot and cold, and she struggled, really struggled with the challenges of her life...this is what can happen, in an easy minute after years of pain and remorse. You just decide and then you pull the trigger and kill the pain.

I must unburden myself of my own sorrow, It saps all my energy all my best vibes and blackens them into self harm like now. Sugar out of control, stiff and sore from no exercise, fat. Yesterday I ate a whole bag of mini snickers bars.

Back to Brene Brown...i  have kept myself alive by friendship and connections.I have kept myself alive journal-ing and writing and creating and always seeking the larger kinder truth.

Going to get me some of that today.

happiness

sad hurts

I'm sad. Sad she is gone and I do miss her. She was kind, a nice person. Terribly insecure. That scared me. I need a partner who is self assured and kind. I need that confidence in self to feel safe with them. That's why I feel safe with certain folks, like Sarah. Complete trust.

I did the right thing for both of us.  I made a good decision. And I was fair to her. She doesn't see the world as a place capable of fair play. She sees Everything as rigged against her. She can't ever win, and its not her fault. But.....I did treat her well and with fairness, but she will not see it that way.

Now I reclaim my physical space this weekend, and get about taking better care of me. Find my way to my habits of persistence awaiting my return to their protection and wisdom. Going to gym is good self care practice. Now I have been isolating for too long. I cannot connect, which makes me feel more alone. I am not alone. I will be out and about with people this weekend and end my isolation and I will make friend dates to do things so I am not isolated..

gone girl

Mag moved in Dec. 2 and I asked her to move out Feb 17. She was gone on Feb 18. She left a mess for me to clean up and I am. Sweeping all the pieces into the dustpan and taking it out to the trash to be carried away.  No more gf's with the name Mag or Maggie or Mary or Margaret. Funny but not.

I do miss her, or miss the person I thought she was and turned out not to be. Swell. I did it again. I do feel relief  that she is gone. We were both pretty unhappy. I think I did us a big favor, sooner rather than later. It was never going to work. That was clear. She was dishonest, and once I established that she was more than an embellish-er, every thing she did was suspect. That was no fun. It was difficult to stay cool and calm.

And now I am facing weight gain of 12 ponds, sugars no longer tightly controlled, no exercise at all, and I am in a boot for a stress fracture. Time to get it all together again, and take care of myself. Prioritize self care with with self love.

I am dreaming of michfest.