feel like crap

and i must like it that way. I'm  on a binge, a classic, giant, old school ice cream potato chip hamburger and fries, snickers bars food binge. Very old behavior. And a roll me another joint wake and bake pot binge. It feels horribly wonderful.  Sipping coffee and smoked my first joint. I have put on 12 pounds in two weeks. and today is Sunday and  no work. Today I'm down to my last joint. Thank goodness. Today I return to the land of the present.

The present, where Liz Keck no longer lives because she killed herself. Shot herself in the heart. So very sad. PTSD sufferer. I understand. You just don't want to feel anything anymore. Liz talked about how scared she was, she worried a lot about money, felt very alone.  We had a ton of fun together, we played and played the silliest games but we had a ton of fun. Keck was sweet and kind. But then Julie died and we all changed. Death changes everything. Keck began to run hot and cold, and she struggled, really struggled with the challenges of her life...this is what can happen, in an easy minute after years of pain and remorse. You just decide and then you pull the trigger and kill the pain.

I must unburden myself of my own sorrow, It saps all my energy all my best vibes and blackens them into self harm like now. Sugar out of control, stiff and sore from no exercise, fat. Yesterday I ate a whole bag of mini snickers bars.

Back to Brene Brown...i  have kept myself alive by friendship and connections.I have kept myself alive journal-ing and writing and creating and always seeking the larger kinder truth.

Going to get me some of that today.