Of note...

I have to say that I am shocked. Shocked at what I have forgotten or cannot remember that I did or what I was to have done and didn't. Then like a tidal wave it comes rushing to the front of your brain and you freeze. Or you see something on your calendar and have absolutely NO memory of having actually attended the meeting. Panic. I panic. Like how could I phucking forget that? I used to be the one with the long memory. Not anymore.

I am missing Mag. That surprises me, but I am also remembering more of her as she was at the beginning, or rather how we were together. It was very nice for a minute. The truth is I was never completely comfortable with her. I resisted her. I didn't find her incredibly sexually attractive. There was some sort of weirdness with her that I have not yet completely resolved or understood. I think she lied about our first night together. Why did I not pay attention to that?

Tell Dalton (therapist) the obvious which you are not telling her.

I am very upset about Keck's suicide.  I keep crying.  I keep seeing her in her kitchen. She has the gun in her hand and she is pointing it at her own heart. And she is so very unhappy and scared. And I get so freaked as I imagine her pulling it, because she did. I wonder about the care takers and what they ignored or failed to see. I wonder about her meds. Who was watching her?  And then I get scared for me, because we have so much in common. Liz killed herself and she had ptsd, so do I. She was 60 and she did it. So never too old to commit suicide.