morning light

I love the morning light. something about it.
it feels safe to come to work early and in the quiet start my day without distraction or interruption. the view the view out my window is trees and water and railroad tracks. I love this view in the morning. I enjoy it all day but I love it in the morning.

now every morning an intention. as I rise I pause and make an intention for the day. as I step out onto porch I pause again and look around at where I am and take notice of what is around me...breath deep and make my intention again. I could say repeat but I make it again. there is a difference.

I cancelled the house cleaner she wanted $150..that is highway robbery for my  postage stamp sized apartment. Have to find someone else.

Back in PT for my right shoulder and left hip S1 joint. Getting old is challenging in many ways expected and not expected. Forgetfulness to the point of delusion, wear glasses when I drive, pee more often, the grey white hair  ... all expected. so many many many chin hairs? No. I spent so many hours repeating the motion for pulling out chin hairs I enlarged my first knuckle on my right hand first finger and gave myself tendinitis in my right shoulder.The mouse at work contributed and the way I hold a steering wheel. Now i shave and have made an appointment for laser treatments. I am my sister. No surprise we had a mother very invested in her appearance.  I was in junior high when Mom took me to the beauty counter in AM&A's department store, first floor, mirrors all around and pretty lighting. I felt self conscious and uncomfortable. She wanted them to teach me to bleach my mustache with Jolene Cream Bleach. And so it began. Then she came after my uni brow and taught how to pluck my eyebrows. My unruly thick curly hair defeated her so I took over there with curling irons blow-dryers curlers and dippity do...and trial and error. Hundreds of hours removing or hiding hairs unwanted and trying to bring order to my head o hair ... I was vain about it, and now it is grey and thinning. The thinning terrifies me.  An obsession with hair and appearance .. inherited from my mother. Peg had beautiful hair. Red head. And a smile that was sweet when she allowed herself the luxury of a smile. She went to the beauty parlor every week, and then had my Dad drive and then had the beauty parlor come  to her at the house. She shopped for smart looking outfits, that she matched with colorful bold jewelry in bracelets and earrings and brooches. She enjoyed soaking in a hot tub, and was always applying lotion to her hands and moisturizers to her face. She was resilient and pissed off most of the time. She was smart and needed more intellectual stimulation than she was getting staying home with 4 children. Peg founded and named herself in charge of St. Bernadette's Altar and Rosary Society...church work organizing fundraisers,  pulling together a newsletter and mailings from her dining room table over pots of hot tea with other women for the "society"

pause

I have been taking an online course with Pema Choden. It has been good for me to start my day with Pema. I have been more motivated and less stressed since I began the course.

Did a sound healing with GB. Beautiful experience.  Bounty of sound and love. I felt safe and was able miraculously to keep my eyes closed for 45 minutes and be very awake but inside myself with just the sound. It was a healing experience to feel safe all that time.

Saw doc W and got a good report that sugars are lower. It is important to me that she never gives up on me. Doing  kidney sonogram tomorrow, and urine collection this weekend. Crazy. I'm concerned but telling myself not to worry yet.

Back in PT with B.  Tendinitis in my shoulder. Result of driving with right hand/arm only, mouse at work, and plucking chin hairs. Shaving now.

Forgot to pause on the way to PT. Couldn't find it and being lost or rather not knowing where I am going..exactly where..is a hook for me. And I did not pause, I didn't get too worked up but I was very stressed in the car.

Back at the gym. 5 days last week. New work schedule 7-3 is helpful in getting me to the gym. Less stressful at 3. Feels good to be back at the gym.

did a big house clean this weekend. the place looks good. got it clean in time for the cleaning lady coming today to give me an estimate on a heavy clean. because shoulder is limiting my strength right now...I need help with the hard stuff.

Bflo trip home, the first weekend was hard, I was stressed while there and sad when I got home. I couldn't figure out what it was...Robbie was very ill, A and R are fighting, there was the drunk guy at A's bday dinner, Kate and I got into it. Got hooked by Kate, left, was really stressed, the reigned it in and called her and talked to her. All good.Then there was Ron's show. Nostalgic, room filled w people who know me as an artist. Kate looked around and said these are our people. Maybe it was all that.

Learned in absence from Dalton

Life is fluid and will change, and reminding  I got through an episode I may have saved for Dalton before we moved to every two weeks.

Learned that I can handle two weeks which is strength building.

and something I haven't talked to Dalton about Laura...Jen..and how I feel around Laura and the if only she knew stuff.

happy christmas

it has been a wonderful holiday.
tues nite i saw christmas carol from the National Theatre of Scotland. magical-i was transfixed the entire show. loved it. kate and jane got here weds nite. and we are having a grand time. christmas eve dinner was pot roast followed by christmas breakfast of pot roast and poached eggs. spent afternoon with carmen and sarah. lovely. went to DIA for Thirty Americans and Rivera Court. games of mexican dominos. then brunch with cynthia and laura j on sunday. and a fun dinner of pot stickers made by kate and jane and hot and sour soup that i made. then asleep early. im exhausted from all the running around.

kate and jane are fun to be with. today i think we are going to relax. and i have given myself permission to not go back to work until weds.

im happy.

a little at a time

tuesday nov 25

i let the pain in a little at a time

now i am feeling the full effect of maggies departure. she has departed again maybe thats why.

but i do this. slow. takes me forever to process.

tears every day.

doc visit

saw doc wyckoff yesterday.  Ive lost seven pounds. my sugars are lower. been going back to gym. havent been since last thursday almost a week. not good.

 but im making progress in the right direction

more relaxed ? am i? now im less stressed. i can feel less stressed and the self talk is all day long. its working. there might be a bit of a difference. maybe being less stressed is a way to get to more relaxed. because ive never felt relaxed. not that i can remember.

i believe it is the result of being on guard for so many years. being alert to every sound in the night. all those years that i listened for the sound of a car in a driveway. waking 20 minutes after falling asleep. listening for creaky sounds in the dark. what was that? is somebody there? is somebody coming ?  freeze. dont move.

there right there. i went from good news to the dark side in a second.

good news. I am doing better.

windmill cookies

those windmill cookies and a cup of tea. heaven on a november day. a free day. no work. just home alone chillin. been cleaning getting ready to decorate. made a new altar new moon in Scorpio for abundance. and then i found windmill cookies at the market.

tea and cookies and cats sittin in open windows on november 15 sun shine steaming in. beautiful day i think my dad felt a cup of tea and some cookies or cake or bread and cheese could cure damn near anything. could help fix what ails you. the fact that we could make a cup of tea and have a treat any time we wanted was a treat for man who had grown up poor and catholic in scotland during ww1.

dad and i often had tea and those windmill cookies as a treat. the tea had milk and sugar and the cookies had cinnamon, cloves, almonds, and nutmeg. medicine in my house. he would tell me the most wonderful stories.

might be able to clean car. it smells funny inside the car.

being a fat women you know that your fat keeps men away from you. makes you physically safe from annoying random unwelcome advances. not the rapists or abusers. it keeps the regular guys looking for regular sex or the guys you compete with at work or for a parking space. they don't bother with you. you're not worth the trouble. it is a relief to a pretty girl. but are you on fat as a self defense against unwanted advances?  

having sexual advances put upon you as a child makes you very weary. .. a child age 5. advanced upon when choice is not an option. before you have the words.  its hard to say no as a child. children are expected to say yes.  be a good girl and say yes when an adult asks you do to something. if asked to do something, do it.

a new question for me. why was my mother so selectively observant and keenly aware to the level of fortune teller or psychic. she knew the exact day i had sex with a boy for the first time. the exact day and location. she did. but she never saw that i was being sexually abused by her oldest son. on a regular basis. was it that you see what you are looking for. she wasnt looking for that in me at age 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 or 12.  no one had ever told her to look inside the house as well as outside.

when you are fat bad things still happen to you. just fewer bad things. and the constant glare is omitted from your daily life. that gives you space.  so now you only have to be alert for the real predators. the abusers, the rapists, the oppressors.

so how to feel safe and not be fat. is it possible for me to do that? yes if i am physically fit, then i feel safer. is that true or it just sounds good? and i want to be perceived as a good person healed, i want  not to be a victim.

the first time i was a victim i was five years old. i weighed 36 pounds, and was 37 inches tall. i could climb trees and get over fences. i could catch poly wogs and fireflies. i could walk to the creek, and the barn and  find my way back by myself.  my dog duke and my older sister betty were my protectors. a car killed duke and betty married and moved out.  their departures left me vulnerable.

and thats when it started. thats when it all started and kept going for more than 50 years. it didnt actually last 50 years it lasted about 9 years ... and then it kept going in my head and could fade away for hours at a time but it would pop back in.and blam its there..as quick as a swallow its in your minds eye..blocking whatever is happening in real time right in front of you..just missing that...but you learn to bring yourself back..snap back..here.. all day that happens all day long.

new moon in scorpio

what triggers memory?

for me its the light. i'll walk outside and i am carried to another time when the weather was the same. i remember a good memory.it pops in. im 17 riding my bike to my waitress job. riding in the dark at 6 a.m. . that magical time of day. betwixt and between light and dark. another 30 mins of dark at the most, wind whipping the crisp air making branches snap and leafs rustle loudly.

 i feel good, safe and free . my liberator is the wind in my hair. breathing deeply pumping my legs up and down on my 3 speed blue and silver Schwinn. i feel physically strong. i loved that bike ride to work. i miss it. it was early. i was going to my job to earn money to take care of my self.  free myself from a house full of hurts. this moment of riding to work in the dark alone is a good one. i was finding a way out.

a rare moment. most days i lived in fear, not knowing when the next hurt was coming.

there was something else too. what was it again? dammit.

the new moon scorpio is full of hope for joy and change. there is potential. i feel it.  

A new moon in Scorpio is raw power. A new moon in Scorpio introduces us to ours. A new moon in Scorpio comes with an air of intensity and asks us what we might put the pedal to the metal for. A new moon in Scorpio strips us down and demands that we claim what we are at the core. This new moon is the beginning of some much-deserved access to abundance. This new moon is the beginning of seeing what you can and have done with the trials and tribulations of the past few years. This new moon I urge you to do ritual around ease, effortlessness and all parts of your life that are naturally free-flowing.This week, before, during and after the new moon are also particularly potent times as you become the conduit for much of the astrology to flow through. This week focuses on healing subterranean traumas, but this time somewhat effortlessly. Like when you work on an issue for 30 years and one day you realize it simply doesn’t have the same hold on you that it used to.

This behind the scenes bargaining is important for you to be engaged with. Your inner hecklers and internalized oppressors could be taunting you, dissuading you and confusing the issues but tell yourself that you have it on good faith that this is your time to begin anew with courage, with optimism and with good sense. It’s also the perfect time to keep working away at what you’ve got cooking behind the scenes. This particular mix of energies requires that your success comes from being willing to balance going within and taking action.

Your efforts now will take root and they will rise. chani nicholas