home

I do not feel at home here. I miss home.

I miss my friends and I miss the feeling of history surrounding me. Funny isn't it? Or I find it funny that when I left I was 50, and I left because I was pissed off, not sure at what. But the way I feel now, feels familiar to how I felt then.

I feel betrayed at work. But I have felt betrayed before, so I am actually making it up to myself, because that is what I expect, am used to? So much so that I only see that, even when it is not?

I was betrayed at home with my original family. They fell down on their job. I was left unguarded to a predator living in our home.
I feel vulnerable and unprotected at work. But that is silly. It is a place where I work. I am adult. No predators here. People who do not appreciate and or respect me.

I feel trapped or stuck where I am now. I am in control of my life, as much as any 62 year diabetic can be, my parents no longer make all my decisions, and I am no longer dependent on them, but yet I feel like I did when I was. Or I sometimes feel that way and today is one of them.   I am unable to get out from under the oppression of my life.  The car payment, insurance payment, rent payment, and etc.  The treadmill of life 101.

I am pissed, and hurt and upset that I did not get the BPAC job. I am upset that I do not NOW get to say I am leaving for greener happier pastures. I really want to say those words. Probably for all the wrong reasons. For reasons not grounded in love, but in anger.  I am pissed that I don't get to make more money. I am pissed that I am not seeing a way out...into a safer space.

I espoused a lot of rhetoric last week. It was a great learning experience. Now I have my collateral's ready for the next opportunity. I have had a lot of practice interviewing. I have clarity on my desires. I am focused. I know I want to go home..now. I want to be with my friends. All of it true. But now this week...I am just pissed off about it. Pissed off that it is delayed.


I am not spending my time in the ways that I want to.

I have had fun in rehearsals but they are almost too easy. And only Robby has true feelings about the power of theater. I miss that. I miss the arts. I miss being around activists.

I feel like crap. Did it to myself. Binged. Pot food television. Now I have a cough, and what feels like a permanent headache. Work is a headache, I drag myself in.  When I sit down at my desk I write in blogger, or cruise facebook, or play solitaire on my phone.  I covet the hours when I am alone at work. The only work I enjoy any more is working with donors. That has not diminished.

p.s. I have written something every day since the 29th...for several days in a row. That is a good thing for me.  I hope by this time next week I have added to my daily practice-exercise.

Miserable Monday

Slept well, but forgot to take my meds this morning. I'm already at work. Sigh.

Self care
That is what I want to focus on now.
Self care
walking
taking meds as directed
exercise
eat healthy
stay away from sugar.
stay away from sugar.
no sugar
meditate  more
move more


Write every day. Write every day. Write every day. Read every day. Read more.
Only working half a day today. Going home, finish house cleaning, finish laundry.  
Get ready for my appointment with DC. Why is it I always feel I have to get ready for an appointment with Dalton. Can't walk in there empty headed. Why do I say that to myself every week. Add that pressure?

walked through it before

I need to remind myself that I have walked through it before and from this point now, allow myself to move ahead.  I have walked through it before, carrying what I had to carry. Some days are better than others. Some days have more challenges, and some less.  Remind my self....
Practice gratitude to stay connected & to feel better. I am grateful for the tulips my friend gave me and the ever blooming African Violet on my desk. I am grateful that I have some pot. I am grateful that Kate and Jane will be coming here soon to visit. I am grateful that I have rehearsals to work on. I am grateful for my job. I am grateful that it is spring and I can open windows in the house. I am grateful for my cats and their health. I am grateful for Kate, Nancy, Garland, Cyd, Gerri, Cecile, Dalton, Trish, Tee, Cynthia, Robbie, Pam, Jane, Rahwa, Lorna and Robby  who helped me, guided me, encouraged me, believed in me,  supported me, and loved me through it. That was amazing. That felt so good.

I'm on a sugar binge like real bad. Not good. Not good. V Bad.

$100 on my hair

I must be out of my ever loving mind. I just spent $100 on my hair for a haircut and color. That's just crazy! And now that I have started it might be hard to quit it. I dont want to look old. I dont want to be old. I hate it a lot.

Rehearsal with Robbie at 6. Then home. Should work on dyke march. should. but will i?

Ive been thinking about my old Saturday mornings on the west side of buffalo and how i loved Saturday morning. it meant staying home with Kate and not rushing out the door to work and school. it meant not rushing with the hot coffee and scrambled eggs and bacon and toast. But it was the shopping. leaving the house and looking for treasure in at garage sales, in any one of the shops on Elmwood, and the book stores. There were three. Imagine that. Three.

I found Anais Nin there, and Dorothy Alison, May Sarton, Virginia Woolf,  Mary Daly, Starhawk,  Jewel Gomez...I found woman, many very smart creative artists...women.  I found stories like mine, thoughts  like or i found the articulation of thoughts i was struggling with. There was co-op shopping, laundromat, house cleaning and bookstores. It was the bookstore Where I found .. me.

positive

I am staying pretty positive. rehearsals are going well. I feel good about the show. I have been having fun working with folks. I want to build a routine that I stick to.

The first habit I wish to break is tv binging. It's too much time sitting, and always first thing.  and it is a number presence. And then I am playing solitaire on my phone while I binge tv on weekly regulars and my series on hbONOW,  pbs, amazon prime, hulu, and the next thing that comes along.

I think it should be
awake
shower
tea
take meds
self care
writing
eating
now i could think about adding a workout here every morning

I want to sustain my dreams through my proven capacity for change
health
live with my passions
return to theater work

all the times i have shown my capacity for/to change
all the times I walked through it before
went to Grier
moved into the city
single mother who worked full time
reinventions with every new job
came out as feminist
came out as incest survivior
came out as rape survivor
came out as an activist
joined Ujima
went to college, worked, parented
came out as a director Hallwalls, DDD, and HAG
came out of the closet
came out as a witch
moved away from m y hometown
moved away Detroit/MOSAIC
became vulnerable
became wiser

now

want change

calling for calm and keeping it

i am nervous
My hands shake
I feel fluttering in my chest
my mouth is dry
the tasks ahead are overloading me
no breaks
driving a lot
living in limbo
sometimes confident
sometimes nervous and scared an wanting to run away
cry everyday

Positive Energy

I actually feel an energy that is new. I feel good. That's right I feel good for a combination of reasons and I feel bad for a combination of reasons. More good than more good thoughts than bad thoughts.

I am practicing vulnerability and resilience. One makes the other possible.

I really showed up for the Buffalo job interviews. I did everything I could, listened to every piece of advice, asked for support, asked for help, everybody knew....

So never have I failed in view of so many. Never, have I not gotten a job I interviewed for. Not getting the job is humbling. and builds character .. ;-)
But no one thinks less of me because I didn't get the offer.  I was supported, loved and cared for by my circle of friends. It was wonderful. Brought back to meditation.

It clarified things for me. Going through it, it was fun to think about the arts, and talk about the arts again. I am focused on departure from now to something new. I feel more opportunities than I had imagined. It felt like a reach and a challenge and that excited me.

Awakened old feelings. I reconnected with many Buffalo friends. That felt very special to me.

Resume, LinkedIn all updated. I have had a lot of intense practice in interviewing. I'm prepared for an opportunity to present itself. Universe treating me well lately, may it continue.

And I made a new friend, Dolah. I have been vetted, by the executive search firm, and they like me. They've promised to send me notice of anything they think I might be right for.

I have some decision fatigue that I need to recover from. I wrote today and may I write again tomorrow. May I write every day. Writing myself well. Writing my new self into existence. A self that is confident, resolved, committed to self care, motivated by love for self and others.
Meditating.   Grounding.  Responding differently. Choosing to respond differently.
Self care looks like this: Testing sugars, exercising, swimming, strength training. Taking meds as prescribed. Writing. Healthy food in house. Healthy food choices. No pot or wine. Eating less. Moving more. Presence. Spiritual. Creative. Connected. Engaged.

Creative. Connected. Enagaged.
Theatre. Self expression. Directing. As We Go On. Shines a light on my dark places.

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.
 They can only be carried.

Nothing will ever change any of the facts of my life. Nothing will ever erase the memories.
They can only be carried.