Metta Prayer

Metta Prayer

May all beings be peaceful

May all beings be happy

May all beings be safe

May all beings awaken to the light of their true nature

May all beings be free

An old college friend taught that prayer this morning.  I am grateful for the gift.

Ok so docs say as follows:

OBGYN  says  ALL NORMAL but we will do sonogram to be sure and to figure out what is causing pain in lower abdomen. But no fibroid as reported to me by docs reading MRI.

ORTHOPEDIC Surgeon says no torn glutous medius, just plain old sciatica.

PHEW to both. I feel weak since the cancer. I feel physically weak in a way I have never felt before. My muscles are tired, my bones are tired. 

But I believe that I am doing the right thing by slowly adding exercise, by riding the bike have gone from five to eight minutes. I believe I am doing the right thing by going to MFit and recording everything I eat. So far so good with that. Still doing it. It helps and I am wearing the pedometer. I feel good about this. I had a horrible moment earlier this week. Caught myself in a mirror at the docs. omg I look horrible. so very very fat and tired and sad. I am going to change. 

Back in the saddle

OK so I fell off. I went and got some but less than usual. And got right back on my routine.  I felt bad, but tried to get over it quick and get back to my new routine. 

My sugars are lower. Much lower. I went to my class Monday night and I was able to turn in a seven day food journal. The class took a walk around the parking lot. I was the slowest and last to complete, and the fitness instructor walked with me which was v nice and supportive of her. I tried not to be too embarrassed as the last one back.

What they (at Mfit in the classes) keep saying is that a winning plan must be workable and live able. And I am finding this one to be so. I have not worked in the exercise and remain undecided about joining a gym. I hate gyms. They remind me of my inadequacies. Of girls in gym class more athletic than me. More talented. And I think I am the fattest and people  look at me and say inside their own heads.. that's why I'm here so i don't get FAT LIKE HER. In class on Monday we talked about obstacles to working out. And I actually talked about being too self conscious.

Today I see an obgyn and tomorrow an orthopedic surgeon. I hope they can help me with pain, which will make exercise less prohibitive.

Friday Frustration

I am fighting with myself today. I want to call W.... and get some herb. Go sit with her and get high. Maybe eat some bad Chinese food. Listen to music, work on Kate's memory box. I don't want to smoke all of it if I buy. That is what I always say. Only going to smoke some and then give the rest to M......Often I smoke it all. And that causes me to binge eat. It is a viscous cycle.

My eating is healthier.
I rode the exercise bike 3 x this week.
I have written down my food intake every day sine 1/30/2009
I feel better.

So why am I jonesin?

I think I want to reward myself for a week of good work. I am thinking I deserve it. I have earned it. I am thinking that if I want it I should be able to have it. That sounds like a little kid. SO is it my little kid that wants to get high?

One step Two steps Three steps

I am writing down what I eat. I have gotten on the exercise bike twice for a total of ten minutes.  I continue to take my meds and monitor my sugar. I cry every day. I research PTSD on-line.  I am inspired by an old friend Bernice. I reconnected with her on FB recently. She moved from cold grey Buffalo to sunny warm LA in Ca. She quit drinking, smoking, and started running and lost 100 pounds. She has health challenges, but is going to school full time, and tutors homeless children. She inspires me.

I did

I wrote down everything I ate yesterday and I took my medications for diabetes and etc., all of them when I was supposed to. I am supposed to feel good about that. Maybe after some time I will.

Food writer

I am taking my diabetes med. I have a history of doing it and not doing it. Right now I am doing it.  Today I start the practice of writing down everything I eat.  This feels like a burden, a pain in the ass, something I shouldn't have to do. It is a sign I am not normal. Normal people eat. Abnormal people eat and then have to write it down so they don't eat too much. 

Another way to look at this could be

I want awareness and with pleasure for what I am eating.  I will become a food writer, and write about food. I want to stop eating to calm down or to go to sleep, or to feel differently. I want to be aware that I am eating, and what and when. I am writing it all down, every day as a method to help make food choices conscious. This is a positive step for me. This is a good way for me to take care of myself. To be kinder to myself. 

It is a new year, again

This is my view and the temp is 2 (as in two) degrees. And 3-5 inches more snow is expected. Brrrrrr! 

I start tonight. I hold out little hope for success. I think the stats are less than 10% of people who loose weight keep it off. My life so far is proof of that. I have lost weight many times, only to gain it back. And now at  my age and injecting insulin it is very hard to loose weight. Although not my all time high, I now weigh 261. I have been as high as 286, I cannot remember when this was, but I remember the number. I have metabolic syndrome. A cluster of conditions. 

Diabetes

Hypertension

High Cholesterol

And the weight now centers around my waist, which is the worst. That has changed. My belly is enormous now, of santa status really. I worry about health and money, health and money. I feel I live on the edge of a cliff. And any unforeseen change in my life would make it all crash down. I  might actually be attracted to his feeling. I might be repeating/recreating what I know.  Maybe that is what we are. What happens to us as kids shapes what we think, and we fly from the nest with these perceptions, and that is what we see. New information cannot find its way in because we do not see/hear it. What we already believe to be true shapes what we see. So I believe from my original family that I was not of much value to them. I was not important. So that is how I feel in the world. Not important. Not loved. But I know I am loved by my friends and my daughter. But I cannot seem to feel that upfront in my life, keep it present in my mind, make it the engine that drives me every day. People love me and care for me. 

So I start a new program tonight. Will I do what I am to do to get the weight off?  I always see it as a failure of mine that I am fat. I buy into all the cliches about fat people. Lazy and stupid. I believe my life will be unfulfilled if I stay fat. I hold myself back. I'll never earn enough money fat. I hold myself back. Tonight I take steps forward. I signed up for MFit Weight Management Program, twelve months of support. Tonight is the introduction class.  And I have embarrassing assessments next week for nutrition, exercise and lifestyle. Strangers seeing how much I weigh, measuring the girth of my belly, asking me intimate questions, and how do I know these people even know what the hell they are doing? 

What is my lifestyle? I get up eat and take my pills, go to work, eat, work some more, eat, come home, eat again, play on computer, play with Crash, eat, read, sleep. On weekends I got to movies and eat popcorn, or plays, eat, rent movies, watch movies, eat, sleep. 

So I wish me luck, and steadfast commitment to this new year and another attempt to loose weight and be healthy. I am supposed to be like Sisyphus. Just be happy pushing the rock up the mountain every day. Knowing full well it will fall down, as it always does, as it must, and tomorrow I will be pushing it backup the mountain again.