Trish came to visit me. She was here for three days and we had a wonderful time. We walked all over A2 because the weather was beautiful, finally and we spent hours talking about everything. We saw Elaine Stritch at the Hilberry in Detroit and later that same day at UMS we saw Trojan Women directed by Anne Bogart. WE ate and drank and talked our way though the weekend and I was able to give her support and listen and be present for her current struggle. And she did the same for me. I felt connected and then she left. And I filled myself with 12 episodes of The Killing. I was lonely when she left. I am still in a funk and yesterday the last thing I wanted to do was go to work but I did and I hated being there. At some point I could feel the hostility rising in me so I walked down the hall to an empty conference room and meditated for just a few minutes and I was better. It does help me become present and not discharge but hold what I am feeling and deal. The best part of her visit was my sense o belonging to her. She knows me, remembers parts of my herstory and has affection for and admires me. I do not have that here and now. I have to travel home to Bflo to get it. I have to explain myself here and I hate that. Like I am always pushing to have folks know me. Other...is that what I am talking about? Or something else?
It will be May 1 tomorrow almost half a year GONE. When I think that in a few more months I will be sixty I feel like ok at best you have ten years left....and then I am gone. What are you going to do with it? What have I done and or contributed to the world? I try to practice gratitude to be grateful for what I have had do have or what lessons I have learned but it is difficult for me. I remain full of shame and regret, Maybe that is just my irish. Don't get your irish up is the saying but I think it gets me down.
No comments:
Post a Comment