new views

It is of note that I am learning a new internal narrative. I am changing my story.

Now I speak of my past with compassion for myself and I speak of my vulnerability. You could not have told me that 30 or even 20 years ago that my activism work was from the position of victim but it was. It did take a kind of strength to do what I did and I was following my father's life .. make life better for others, do work that benefits more than just yourself .. so ERA or Sexual Victims rights or women's rights and then queer rights and lesbian visibility. My external world saw me as strong so I could believe I was. But it takes a different kind of strength and bravery to do what I am doing now. The previous work of my life was external and yes it did help me and inform me and even heal me. But the work I have done for the last ten years has been internal for myself. The work with Susie (emdr therapist), the group work at Gilda's club after the mastectomy, workshops on my compulsive eating, my meditation class, working out at the gym not being sedentary but getting in motion and even my current job have brought me a new story...and my relationship with Maggie is only possible because of all that work.

When I told Maggie about the ptsd and the causes I did not feel like a victim, I felt like that vessel with cracks from trauma, and the cracks have been aggrandized with gold and I am more beautiful because of those traumas. Not less. I had seen myself as damaged, no good, not ever going to be good enough. Grieving for what could have been, had the abuse not happened to me. I believed I would never change..I would also suffer from depression always have to deal with triggers. That my thoughts would always be wired via ptsd...

Previous relationships whether men or women were dominated by sex. That is what felt good ...and no doubt I was. I have a closet full of compliments from every lover. Sex is powerful, because one must be present to enjoy it and to pleasure others...and it is very grounding. So the fringe benefits were good for me.

This new relationship started with integrity and it was a friendship built on trust and honesty. That gives a strong foundation to our future..whatever it may be. At the start it was very empowering for me to delay the sex, and focus on getting to know Maggie, to learn more about her, well us with other, as she was doing the same. We were vulnerable with one another emotionally through our stories before we got naked and had sex. That was a very good experience for me. And with confidence I know there are more good experiences between us to come...

My job is to stay grounded. As my dad once told me....your head can be in the clouds but keep your feet on the ground. Such a wise man. I am thinking I am a tree and the clouds that I reach for are her. I will continue to be vulnerable. There I will find love, compassion and understanding. This is my story, my new view and the source of my strength.