indecision

I have a difficult time making some decisions.

Will I go out or stay in?
Will I shower or just run out the door?
Do the file holders go on the left or right side of my computer on my desk?

Kate and I create a world of stress for one another. My daughter Kate and I her mother Margaret we create a lot of stress for one another.  We stress each other out. A mother and daughter both PTSD.  I feel sad all the time Mom. I feel sad all the time too.  We misunderstand each other a lot. And that makes each of us feel lonely.  My experience will always be my own, Kate's experience will always be her own, and we will never completely understand each other's trauma experiences.  I get sad and angry at small things. I often misread a situation.

Kate has just through a hell of a time in her life. She is in a committed relationship. A very loving one, nurturing. She and Jane plan to marry. The intense feelings of love and the setting up of a life and a household pulled the floor out from under the pretending to be ok. I am honestly most impressed with her hard work and progress. She is trying so hard.

4:46 AM Weds

train

Yeah the train happened and then I went back to bed and fell asleep. 9:35 AM now and I am at work.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to "tolerate" the wheelchair situation. And I keep forgetting, or cannot seem to remember to wear the CPAP and now I actually have everything so I could wear it. I am taking my meds that is improving. Except Metformin and insulin at night I forget.  I am taking my blood pressure a couple of times a day.

A giant mirror that hung on the back of my bedroom door has broken into many tiny pieces. Hopefully Wendy can help me clean it up tonight.  It is a mess.  And there is a crappy smell somewhere in kitchen that I cannot locate. Nothing is the right space. Everything has been moved or rearranged to accommodate the wheel chair and the broken ankle. I cannot reach things or find things because nothing is where it belongs.  I hate it. Everything is so slow. I hate it. I have to wait a lot. I hate it.  Best to get over it. There is still more recovery ahead.

I am  a  GET UP and GO girl, woman, mother, crone, person.

My whole life. Started with my dad. He was exactly like that. Get up and go. Get up and go out for coffee and breakfast. Get up and go to work. Get up and go to school. Get up and go to the barn. But mostly get up and go to work.

Nowadays running out the door
sometimes as I am moving forward
I remember something I forgot
but if I am already headed somewhere
I cannot stop
I refuse to stop
and go back
I just escaped
I will not stop
and  t u r n   a r o u n d
and go back.
Simple solution. Simple. Easy even.
Just can't.
On occasion I can talk myself into it
and I do go back
but it makes me angry.
It pisses me off and I slam doors and curse outloud.
It is less stressful for me
to just keep going
keep moving to my destination
and I do not go back
and nothing bad happens
and I deal without exploding
without discharging

health physical

My health isn't good. My health hasn't been good for twenty years. I could be living on borrowed time.. I am taking many medications. I take spironolactone 25 mg tablet, metFORMIN 1,000 mg tablet, levothyroxine 50 mcg tablet, losartan 100 mg tablet, hydroCHLOROthiazide 25 mg tablet, escitalopram oxalate 20 mg tablet, and lantus insulin. Most of that is high blood pressure medicine.

I also sleep with a c-pap machine because I have sleep apnea. I have eczema on the palms of my hands. Have to get steroid shots in my palms about 3 or 4 times a year. I had breast cancer in 2006. Rotator cuff surgery 2017. Stuck thumb, stuck finger and carpal tunnel both wrists. Had 2 serious bouts of mononucleosis when I was 12.

I smoke pot. I had a white wine drinking binge but it has ended thank goodness. Or I ended it. Yeah I ended it. I did not quit smoking pot. I started using pot on a more regular basis in my 40's. Sex was greatly enhanced by pot smoking. As my PTSD took a stronger hold, or rather I started to understand my misery, my pain, my insomnia, my depression, my anxiety, my fight or flight mode, my use of pot grew. It helped.

And of course sugar, fat and salt number one drugs of choice for me (and most americans) In Buffalo I learned to love Schuler Potato Chips, Home Pride Chocolate Chip Cookies, 7UP, chicken wings, pizza, steak hoagies, chicken souvlaki. fries, burgers, hot dogs, onion rings, popcorn with butter and salt.

This piece feels very judgemental of myself.

one week to go

One week from today my cast comes off. Not sure what is next. But I assume wheel chair goes away, and I walk, maybe with cane maybe with walker.  It has been a lesson in patience, something I have in very short supply.

It was a lesson in people helping me. Sarah, George, Pam, Kamil, Dan, Jared, Aaron, Patrick, Trish, Wendy, Marlene, Jen, Rebecca, Jason, Alec, Anita, Lyn, Beth....all those people helped me. Plus all the nurses, medical techs who helped me every-time I went to hospital or doc's office. A lesson in being loved.

Daily crying stopped several weeks ago. That is a relief, to have a pause button on crying every day. Just does not happen. my thoughts on that are that I have more people around me more often. People are touching me. Taking my hand to encourage me. Hugs. Wendy drying me after showers. Aaron insists on cradling my head when I get in the car. The kind gentle touch of the nurses.  Sarah slept in bed next to me for that first week to make sure I was ok in the early post surgery time...Te was a slow process but over the weeks I became aware of how lonely I had been. I had been spending a lot of my time alone, almost all time outside of work was spent alone at home, often stoned or drinking wine.

Too embarrassed to go out on my own. Too fat, too old.

later the same day

I have cried. I have cried for Crash, for missing him. I think twice maybe three times.

I made coffee

yesterday's list

I made coffee
I peed twice-no accidents
cat is outside
took my blood pressure
making breakfast.

cant take meds because I'm out. I need refills. Grumble. Got to call Walgreens evil pharma death eaters and get refills today.

the tee shirts and underwear has arrived. They fit. And I like. I got lucky buying online.

today is shampoo day with my good bud wendy
and an excursion to kroger

being this out of shape, being this heavy, so heavy made this experience much worse. It exasperated the situation, my body, the people who took care of me,  every effort I made was made much more difficult because of my weight. Extra weight. And poor muscle tone. I am only getting older, meaning more medical, more problems all of them will be impacted positively or negatively by my choices. And like Sarah said my risks impact my friends.

life rituals

morning

pee
do not turn on noise (tv radio internet)
make coffee
test sugar
test blood pressure
take meds
check sleep app
use aromatherapy
porch with cat and coffee quiet time with trees
read women writers that inspire me to feel connected

next is the continuation of my day? or what more do I need in the morning?
is that how I want to ground myself before I walk out into the world?

less stress in morning if I could prepare my lunch and my carry bag with everything I need to go to work the next morning. I think it is important for me to feel free when I wake, to not feel trapped.

evening

brush teeth
soak teeth
moisturize
take lantus, baby aspirin, metformin
charge phone
wear cpap
give voice to day's gratitude(s)

this is where I could start.
if I believe I can, then I can

story books

This photo makes me think of the farm. It makes me smile.It reminds me of Little Golden Book covers from my youth.  Reminds me of a time when all of my crayon creations included rainbows. Rainbows are so easy to draw and people always knew it was a rainbow.

and so it goes ..

I have had another surgery. This time it was my left ankle. Two screws to put it back together. The surgery went great! It all happened fast. The surgery was on June 11. Three weeks done, and three weeks to go. The no weight bearing has been a pain in the butt. Sarah dear sweet kind Sarah took care of me week one. It was much more difficult on both of us than I had realized it would be. That first day after surgery was a killer. Rehab made more difficult by the fact that I am out of shape and fat.

Surgery list
Tonsils
Glass wall accident, stitches
Fell off horse, concussion
Cracked tail bone
Impacted tooth-oral surgery
Skin tag on lower eye lid
Skin tags removed from neck
left knee ACL removed
gall bladder removed
mastectomy
lumpectomy
carpal tunnel and stuck thumb both wrists
hairline fracture right foot
rotator cuff
fractured left ankle-surgery two screws

I make these lists in an effort to see if compared to others I am ahead or behind the norm. I seem to check the norm. Am I shorter, fatter, louder, less educated, dressed well enough? Is it safe to leave the house? Will I make it home safely?