when will it stop being attractive?

I felt good. Sometimes almost giddy. Those are not familiar feelings. I also felt very lonely. I usually do not feel lonely-not because I am surrounded by folks-but because I numb out not to feel lonely. I have learned that by being present I could  feel the mass of my loneliness-I am 59-alone-living in a town anonymously-isolated-it is up to me to change that "state of being" but like a child I still "wait" for some other person to rescue me and make me happy-but it never happens. Odd I still wait.

I fell off the wagon again...a long destructive binge. I have been stoned since Friday September 28. It is now Oct, 8. Went to work as little as possible. Stopped working out. Ate what I wanted. Been hiding, numbing, disappearing, not showing up, sleeping, failing to medicate...I am again acting out. But it is so destructive and unhealthy. Kills me. Kills me. It is like a suicide slow but never the less deliberate. This feels familiar. I know this existence and it sucks. I hate it. Why do I keep returning to it? This where I feel ugly and ashamed of me just for existing. It is a most hateful place.

I will never win any prizes..all my youthful dreams unfulfilled. My usual game plan? Run. Run away from this physical place and your feelings. But your feelings come with you. You have to run away again to get away from the feelings that will come with you.I have fantasies lately of quitting, packing, cashing in 20K 401K and going home to Buffalo. Find a job back home. But home seems a tired place. And by the time I get to that thought I know I will never do that. But I will always want to.

whats goin on?

2009 zoom ahead to October 2012

Very much different and very much the same. Still at HRWC, six years now. I believe outside of Ujima and or HAG that is my longest stay at a job. I have not been in talk therapy for four years now. Another new record.  My learning curve has been steep. For a year now, I have been involved with a meditation group, a once a week meeting that I enjoy and is of benefit. Asa died. Kate married Erin. Garland and Nancy have two little girls and are married. Sarah and George remain a couple. Carmen is in NYC, Robbie and Lorna both had cancer. I lost 70 pounds, lowered my bp, cholesterol, visit my doc every month, work out at rec center, have a personal trainer, take wellbrutin now for two years. I no longer take short acting/corrective insulin, and I take less than half of what I was taking of lantus/long acting insulin. Most helpful were the workshop classes that I took -three times- with Marilyn Migliore's  and her Hunger Within Workshop.

It would appear that I have found compassion for my self. Maybe it is that the boogieman died. Never ever to return. I do believe that there is relief there for parts of myself that have remained afraid all these years right along and next to my forgiveness of and fondness for that same boogieman. The brother that I miss. Someday the universe willin-I will be older then him. If I live to be 66. I will have grown older, than my oldest brother. It is safe now to be angry towards him. I can't hurt him by hating him or being angry at him. Nothing to loose that I haven't already learned to live without.

I still doubt my self. I second guess. I mourn. I live in memory of past traumas.



Living in memory...

Metta Prayer

Metta Prayer

May all beings be peaceful

May all beings be happy

May all beings be safe

May all beings awaken to the light of their true nature

May all beings be free

An old college friend taught that prayer this morning.  I am grateful for the gift.

Ok so docs say as follows:

OBGYN  says  ALL NORMAL but we will do sonogram to be sure and to figure out what is causing pain in lower abdomen. But no fibroid as reported to me by docs reading MRI.

ORTHOPEDIC Surgeon says no torn glutous medius, just plain old sciatica.

PHEW to both. I feel weak since the cancer. I feel physically weak in a way I have never felt before. My muscles are tired, my bones are tired. 

But I believe that I am doing the right thing by slowly adding exercise, by riding the bike have gone from five to eight minutes. I believe I am doing the right thing by going to MFit and recording everything I eat. So far so good with that. Still doing it. It helps and I am wearing the pedometer. I feel good about this. I had a horrible moment earlier this week. Caught myself in a mirror at the docs. omg I look horrible. so very very fat and tired and sad. I am going to change. 

Back in the saddle

OK so I fell off. I went and got some but less than usual. And got right back on my routine.  I felt bad, but tried to get over it quick and get back to my new routine. 

My sugars are lower. Much lower. I went to my class Monday night and I was able to turn in a seven day food journal. The class took a walk around the parking lot. I was the slowest and last to complete, and the fitness instructor walked with me which was v nice and supportive of her. I tried not to be too embarrassed as the last one back.

What they (at Mfit in the classes) keep saying is that a winning plan must be workable and live able. And I am finding this one to be so. I have not worked in the exercise and remain undecided about joining a gym. I hate gyms. They remind me of my inadequacies. Of girls in gym class more athletic than me. More talented. And I think I am the fattest and people  look at me and say inside their own heads.. that's why I'm here so i don't get FAT LIKE HER. In class on Monday we talked about obstacles to working out. And I actually talked about being too self conscious.

Today I see an obgyn and tomorrow an orthopedic surgeon. I hope they can help me with pain, which will make exercise less prohibitive.

Friday Frustration

I am fighting with myself today. I want to call W.... and get some herb. Go sit with her and get high. Maybe eat some bad Chinese food. Listen to music, work on Kate's memory box. I don't want to smoke all of it if I buy. That is what I always say. Only going to smoke some and then give the rest to M......Often I smoke it all. And that causes me to binge eat. It is a viscous cycle.

My eating is healthier.
I rode the exercise bike 3 x this week.
I have written down my food intake every day sine 1/30/2009
I feel better.

So why am I jonesin?

I think I want to reward myself for a week of good work. I am thinking I deserve it. I have earned it. I am thinking that if I want it I should be able to have it. That sounds like a little kid. SO is it my little kid that wants to get high?

One step Two steps Three steps

I am writing down what I eat. I have gotten on the exercise bike twice for a total of ten minutes.  I continue to take my meds and monitor my sugar. I cry every day. I research PTSD on-line.  I am inspired by an old friend Bernice. I reconnected with her on FB recently. She moved from cold grey Buffalo to sunny warm LA in Ca. She quit drinking, smoking, and started running and lost 100 pounds. She has health challenges, but is going to school full time, and tutors homeless children. She inspires me.

I did

I wrote down everything I ate yesterday and I took my medications for diabetes and etc., all of them when I was supposed to. I am supposed to feel good about that. Maybe after some time I will.