maybe that's why

the days of my life already lived.....

i had a new thought about my history of relationships. maybe i said yes just so I could say no. making up for all the years i was powerless and could not say no.  maybe i am just learning now that i can say no without having to say yes first. mag may have taught this to me. i knew not to say yes, i had plenty of clues, concerns worries, fear even of her. i recognized her false sense of herself. i saw through the charm. and i was tired of being alone doing everything for myself and by myself and i wanted love. i said yes. ....knowing I could say no. but...if i knew i could say no eventually, then y say yes at all? ok to risk to be vulnerable I know...but maybe I say yes so i can say no and take back my power. maybe standing in the sea foam green bathroom and saying no, saying go away NO! was a powerful memory that i enjoy reliving...

Here's the deal

I am not a bad person. And for whatever time I have left at this point in my life I will live in a cocoon of self love and self acceptance.

From this point on I will stop the bad thoughts and focus on the good ones.

figuring it out

I see me. That is me. Female child alone holding a beast. Looks like she is accustomed to holding him, despite his size, weight, wart covered hide, sharp, horns, talons and teeth. He could rip her apart, but she holds her gaze, looking straight ahead into the eyes of those who behold her. She looks strong. Capable. Her gaze draws in more than the beast she holds. She hopes you see her and not the beast. Is she protecting the beast? It is not a familiar image except to those of us who recognize ourselves.

My goal here at this blog is to find compassion towards myself. To loose my harsh self and become kinder to me. The natural course of that would be taking better care of myself, by eating healthy and exercising to have a healthy life, and avoid health risks associated with obesity, ptsd symptoms, hypertension, diabetes and depression. I believe that if I can make my body physically stronger, my spirit will heal along with my body in that process.

I wrote that 8 years ago, when I started this blog.

And I continue to work on those very issues. I always will.  Success right now seems out of reach especially with  my physical health. I will not give up. I will never give up. I will keep trying.  Start now again.

The time goes. It goes fast.

Self acceptance.

Dalton helped me with that. Self acceptance. I accept that I will always have to cope with, respond as best I can, be aware as much as possible that PTSD will always be present in my brain and my body memory.

For so long I had hoped and prayed that it could be, that I could cure it, make the movies in my head go away.. to heal...with food or pot or therapy or activism or EMDR or massage or acupuncture or journal writing or friendships or meditation or webinars or seminars or workshops or yoga or exercise.

The healing is an ongoing journey.

Self acceptance. Accepting the ptsd. Accepting me. That is where the healing begins.  I am not bad. I am not guilty. I am human. And like all  my brothers and sisters I have experienced life. some good some bad some very hurtful, damaging and traumatic.

Self love self acceptance.

calling mom in the dark

Those girls on that first sleep over scared me. They talked about other girls who had had sexual experiences with boys. It was at Linda West's house. I didn't really know the girls that were Linda's friends.  I felt like an outsider.

what they talked about about made me very uncomfortable. If they only knew what my brother was doing to me. It confirmed my biggest nightmares. I felt sick to my stomach.  It upset me. I couldn't sleep.

In the middle of the night..in the black of night...on a phone at the top of the stairs I called my mother and said come get me. And she did.

I WAS VERY RELIEVED TO BE AWAY FROM THOSE GIRLS.

I felt afraid.

very very afraid.

status unclear

I feel on a precipice. I have felt like this before. Usually when I am trying to give myself a pep-talk, telling myself that I will be different, that I know how to get thinner, more beautiful, more likeable, earn more money, have nicer clothes, get out of debt, and have a safe retirement.

The idea of a good girl. Clean, sharp, smart and attractive.

And if I don't do all those things then I am a bad girl.

The more aware I become of all the ramifications of events in my life, the more there is the manage. Sometimes the realizations are overwhelming and I have to remind myself not to feel guilty and or embarrassed or ashamed.

Like I think in some weird way, that my fat, my big belly, is me carrying shame and guilt. And when I eat too much I am feeding my shame and believe I am a loser. When I eat healthy and exercise I doing self care and I value myself.

SO many negative messages all day every day. I try and yell stop to myself and change the script in my head but it is difficult, or at least impossible. The memories or the movies as I call them come every single day.

now this 7/1/2016

Late may early july
back in buffalo for the next 5 days for 4th of July weekend holiday.glad to be here with my family and friends. which doesn't begin to really describe them or the feelings of acceptance and love I feel when I am here.

it feels good here. i want to come back. i want to be here, again.

the drive here was full of delays and frustratingly longer. but now that im here its all god. i have hardly seen kate. she works long hours and she looks tired. Poos kid.

the new place has a memory of bayview road and the farmhouse. i think it is the drapes and the sunlight on tree leaves that are the hook. blam i am at the farmhouse.