maybe that's why

the days of my life already lived.....

i had a new thought about my history of relationships. maybe i said yes just so I could say no. making up for all the years i was powerless and could not say no.  maybe i am just learning now that i can say no without having to say yes first. mag may have taught this to me. i knew not to say yes, i had plenty of clues, concerns worries, fear even of her. i recognized her false sense of herself. i saw through the charm. and i was tired of being alone doing everything for myself and by myself and i wanted love. i said yes. ....knowing I could say no. but...if i knew i could say no eventually, then y say yes at all? ok to risk to be vulnerable I know...but maybe I say yes so i can say no and take back my power. maybe standing in the sea foam green bathroom and saying no, saying go away NO! was a powerful memory that i enjoy reliving...