making the most of a scar

I have at long last found an image I was looking for. I have wanted a tattoo over my mastectomy and I could not quite find what I was imagining...some days I wanted a branch and other days I wanted a bird's wing. Then I found this image. A branch that is a wing. So I am going to use just the wing from this image, starting with the root at the center of my chest or beginning of my scar and then branching over and out up over my shoulder. I want Pat to do it but she is so far away in Woodstock NY.  I would rather she do it because she was the artist for the two tattoos I do have..so the money saving begins.....

...Maggie and I continue to spend time together, and encourage each other into one another's hearts and places of trust. She is happy - as am I. We are creating a shared energy between us that is affirming for both. She is trusting us more, trusting me and allowing me to be a part of her life. I feel more connected to myself as a lesbian .. all the years here in A2 disconnected from lesbian community or life...odd girl out at work...moving in the shadows in many ways  .. now with Maggie I feel mirrored again and it is a very good thing. I have my queer identity back.  Interesting to me how a person stands with others and in that finds validation and belonging. I am particularly moved by the fact that in two weeks I will have Kate and Erin and Maggie all together and working with me on Suds and then spending time together over the weekend...this will be the first work event where I have family with me...and I will not be the odd girl out. That makes me happy. And it has to be that I am being seen with my tribe - with the people who love me and are important to me and I matter to them. That feels very good. When I left Buffalo ten years ago I lost that and had to travel back home to experience it....now it feels I will have that here because of Maggie giving me a sense of belonging that I did not have....life is better with Maggie.

And I am excited by how she is excited by me physically. I am reclaiming my fem side another lost part of myself now coming back. I am buying bracelets and adorning myself with brightly colored beaded bracelets, shaving my legs, painting my toes red, and on occasion wearing make up. And she loves it...it excites her....but she is clear, she said 'do it because you want to'..it never occurred to her to ask me....she said to me' I embrace all that you are just as you are..do not make changes for me.'  But my efforts are not changes for her but are expressions of my self....authentic and sensual...and they please me ...

doc visit

Saw my doc Tuesday. Did not loose any weight. Very disappointing considering I am really back to working out. I feel good about being back up to 90% on my strength training and back up to 30 mins in the pool swimming laps.  But I weigh the same. Bummer. Dammit. I have been the same weight for a long time now just floating above 200 lbs. I really want to get below 200 before my bday at the end of October. So I am writing everything down in my food diary and exercising 6 days a week. Wyckoff is thinking that my lack of sleep is hurting my weight loss so she talked to me at length about  sleep hygiene and using melatonin. Also lowered my insulin. Putting me on a pill and hoping get me off insulin that also might be the reason I am just maintaining.

I will buckle down and put more effort to make it happen. Won't be discouraged. won't sabotage myself with bad behaviors or bad choices. I have not smoked pot since July 5. That is a terrific achievement and I feel good about it. I have also finally started planning my upcoming bday party at home in Buffalo. I am taking a week off in October and going home to celebrate with family and friends. Do not know if Maggie will come or not. Hope she does. But I have my doubts. That aside I talked to Cyd yesterday about a crone ceremony, and although Kate has been trying to find me a space I reached out to Rawah and she is helping me too. Fun part is that Sarah and Trish and I are staying in a suite at the Hotel Lafayette. I have so many fond happy memories of that place from when I was a little girl. My dad had union contract negotiations there. I would tag along, one of the many things I did with my dad, and I knew every inch of that hotel...so I return for my 60th. I am still struggling with turning 60...but working through it...and trying to accept it with grace and compassion.

body work

From Sara Sienberg

For years it has been a source of great pain for me to witness so many gorgeous women struggle through the shame and loathing of their bodies at the hands of a misogynist culture, including myself. It has not been a linear process or something to "get through", but rather a consistent and powerful practice of love, forgiveness, and gratitude that come each day, often several times a day. And some ...days are kind of a wash, frankly. And so this weekend I am thinking of all of us, who have been haunted by the spectre of self-loathing, no matter our shape, size, ability, appearance or gender. Here's to our bodies, the places where we have a chance to live, to sip really nice decaf coffee and stare at beaches, where we skateboard or lounge, where we learn to move our wheelchairs or become acquainted with Braille. These are the bodies that let us dance, kiss, laugh and dream in. We live here. We get sick here. We heal and sometimes we die, having the opportunity to stand with our friends as we pass to whatever happens next, the big Transformation. And so today, I'll do my best to love it here, all hips and frizzy hair, with the freedom to run my ungainly gait and wrap my arms around my beloved, type out messages to you with my healthy nimble fingers and fucked up shoulders. My body has given me this opportunity to live a bold life of adventure and wild mistakes landing me in today. Saturday. August 17, 2013.
 

She is right. And this is the most important work I can do for myself now. It is the next step in my healing journey.

difficult to know

How do I recognize myself at this time in my life when so much change is happening?  I had a girlfriend then I thought no I don't but in fact yes I do.

I am not so familiar with this person who is trying to make a relationship work. I am not completely unfamiliar with myself and in some ways I have more knowledge of who I am and what I want than I ever have (cue years of therapy) ...but I have never been in a relationship allowing myself to be vulnerable and present. Presence equals vulnerability.

So now Maggie is back, has been for about a week now.  There have been many heart to heart discussions. Difficult for both of us. The reward for me was our mutual willingness to tolerate the difficult to get through to an understanding of each others needs and desires. She has confessed depression, which can come and go with degrees of severity. She was absent and uncommunicative because she had a serious bout that came on her without warning Like many with depression she is judging herself morally and in a harsh tone. She feels she should be able to just get over it. She has agreed to try therapy again.  I was clear about needing her to make every effort to get in therapy and begin to address her depression beyond what she is doing now. She agreed. She also asked if I would be able to give her space when she needed it. And I said yes, as long at the outset there was clear communication that that what was going on. She has to keep me informed. She has to let me share in that. She agreed that in time she would-she has never done that with anyone-she sees it as a burden so she retreats and deals alone and then comes back or doesn't. She came back -as hard as it was-and as difficult as it was she came back.

So we are trying and the lessons will come in the trying. I am seeing Susie (my old therapist) this Saturday to address my attraction to people who are not available. How permanent is my ptsd? How doomed am I?  I am preparing some notes for my meeting with Susie and look forward to the discussion and insights I hope to gain.

Maggie is back Saturday night and we see each other on Sunday. I gave her a little turtle, about the size of a button, to carry with her. I told her you are like a turtle...all protected with your shell. But notice this turtle..her head is out she is not hiding.

manifest

Creation begins in spirit, and then becomes manifest in the physical. Change is seeded first in awareness and then drops into reality through behavior...when the conditions for growth have been provided.-tree sisters

There has been a reversal of romance. But the lessons came in the trying..and there were many. Maggie has done a reversal. She has backed away, you could say abandoned me. First it was she was tired,  then sick, then exhausted,and now depressed. She stopped communicating. I still believe her intentions were good and she was trying. I just don't think she is capable of the intimacy she claimed that she was. She tried. And I still hold great admiration for her. She admits to flaws and she is being as good a person as she can be.

She stopped communicating without any explanation. I was left to imagine what was wrong. One minute she was there fully committed, caring deeply, and then cancelling dates and then nothing at all. She took away her attention, her emotional support and physical contact. She finally emailed that it wasn't me, she was depressed, and when she is depressed she withdraws. She apologized. And do not believe she will come back. I do not believe she is confident enough to try again or I would take her back.
 

When she first withdrew I had a really hard time, my ptsd kicked in. I had a full blown ptsd anxiety attack that lasted quite awhile, and had to call Sarah to calm  myself down. I am hurt. Trish and Sarah both gave me support. I did not smoke pot. I did eat a little too much and put on some pounds. But I did not binge or eat food that was not healthy-I did not buy a bag of chips and eat it. I rode the wave of my feelings and survived them. Nothing bad happened. I cried a lot. I panicked. I cried some more. I felt the fool for thinking this was going to be a good thing in my life. I felt ashamed that I allowed her into my bed. I felt stupid and embarrassed for telling people I had a girlfriend. I gave her her space and was supportive of her. But after several days and hours of examining what happened I have learned some things.

I had believed she was available. I lied to myself about that. I do that. I know we all do but I certainly did here. I saw her admissions and her efforts as equal to being present and available. I was wrong.

She is not available. That is what is attractive.
For two years I have had a crush on Maggie. And I have shown up mornings with a cup of coffee.Once a week sometimes. Twice a month at least. Listening to her. Supporting her through her break up and her daughter's illness. Building a friendship. So that when she called and asked me out I was thrilled and all too eager to believe what she was saying.

I took her intentions as reality.
Change is seeded first in awareness and then drops into reality through behavior...when the conditions for growth have been provided.- I thought because of her words what she was expressing-the willingness to get her life back, to try and be more communicative that those intentions would become reality. I believed I was providing conditions

I did the emotional heavy lifting. I always do.
That is me trying to make my mom like herself so she will like me. If I could just help someone understand themselves then they would be more accepting of themselves, be happier and then more accepting of others. I was expressive, kind, honest, vulnerable, understanding and unconditional. I am those things, but I also do those things on cue sometimes to get approval. That is me doing the heavy emotional lifting in most relationships so people will like me. All my intimate relationships.

Left without explnantion
My sister Betty, I am told, acted as my mother for the first five years of my life. At 18 Betty got pregnant, married in a hurry and left the family home.  There is a legendary story about me that on the morning of her wedding everyone dressed and ready to get to the church I sat down on the couch and flatly refused to go.

These are just some of the thoughts I have been having. All of this has sent me to go back and see Susie my therapist and do a check in.

new views

It is of note that I am learning a new internal narrative. I am changing my story.

Now I speak of my past with compassion for myself and I speak of my vulnerability. You could not have told me that 30 or even 20 years ago that my activism work was from the position of victim but it was. It did take a kind of strength to do what I did and I was following my father's life .. make life better for others, do work that benefits more than just yourself .. so ERA or Sexual Victims rights or women's rights and then queer rights and lesbian visibility. My external world saw me as strong so I could believe I was. But it takes a different kind of strength and bravery to do what I am doing now. The previous work of my life was external and yes it did help me and inform me and even heal me. But the work I have done for the last ten years has been internal for myself. The work with Susie (emdr therapist), the group work at Gilda's club after the mastectomy, workshops on my compulsive eating, my meditation class, working out at the gym not being sedentary but getting in motion and even my current job have brought me a new story...and my relationship with Maggie is only possible because of all that work.

When I told Maggie about the ptsd and the causes I did not feel like a victim, I felt like that vessel with cracks from trauma, and the cracks have been aggrandized with gold and I am more beautiful because of those traumas. Not less. I had seen myself as damaged, no good, not ever going to be good enough. Grieving for what could have been, had the abuse not happened to me. I believed I would never change..I would also suffer from depression always have to deal with triggers. That my thoughts would always be wired via ptsd...

Previous relationships whether men or women were dominated by sex. That is what felt good ...and no doubt I was. I have a closet full of compliments from every lover. Sex is powerful, because one must be present to enjoy it and to pleasure others...and it is very grounding. So the fringe benefits were good for me.

This new relationship started with integrity and it was a friendship built on trust and honesty. That gives a strong foundation to our future..whatever it may be. At the start it was very empowering for me to delay the sex, and focus on getting to know Maggie, to learn more about her, well us with other, as she was doing the same. We were vulnerable with one another emotionally through our stories before we got naked and had sex. That was a very good experience for me. And with confidence I know there are more good experiences between us to come...

My job is to stay grounded. As my dad once told me....your head can be in the clouds but keep your feet on the ground. Such a wise man. I am thinking I am a tree and the clouds that I reach for are her. I will continue to be vulnerable. There I will find love, compassion and understanding. This is my story, my new view and the source of my strength.

recommit

I have been going to the gym. I am again building up that momentum. Swimming and weight training. I really missed both which I hope means that I have made physical activity a permanent habit in my life. I have been working my way through my weight training routine and I am doing about 35-40 minutes. Swimming is at about 25 minutes, hoping today I can do 30 mins. I keep following diana nyad's blog who is getting back in the water to attempt her cuba swim again, and is 61 now. She inspires me. Saw the doc last week and I have lost 4 pounds. less fuel more movement is the key for me. sugar levels are good. I have been eating much less meat and have pretty much cut out gluten. so now no dairy and no gluten. this keeps my choices nearer to fruits and veggies. feels great. also I have been staying away from pot which feels very good. also turned of cable just doing the Netflix hulu and listening to more npr. this keeps me more active and less sedentary at home. also a good thing...

also being with Maggie feels very good. we continue to get to know one another. we have begun an intimate physical relationship. this relationship is diff on many levels. we are equals. we are both available. open hearts. I was nervous about her seeing my mastectomy but in the end it did not matter. she is a gentle and intuitive lover....tender....much laughter too.

and so I go forward with my life.