My goal here at this blog is to find compassion towards myself. To loose my harsh self and become kinder to me. The natural course of that would be taking better care of myself, by eating healthy and exercising to have a healthy life, and avoid health risks associated with obesity, ptsd symptoms, hypertension, diabetes and depression. I believe that if I can make my body physically stronger, my spirit will heal along with my body in that process.

I wrote that 8 years ago, when I started this blog.

And I continue to work on those very issues. I always will.  Success right now seems out of reach especially with  my physical health. I will not give up. I will never give up. I will keep trying.  Start now again.

The time goes. It goes fast.

Self acceptance.

Dalton helped me with that. Self acceptance. I accept that I will always have to cope with, respond as best I can, be aware as much as possible that PTSD will always be present in my brain and my body memory.

For so long I had hoped and prayed that it could be, that I could cure it, make the movies in my head go away.. to heal...with food or pot or therapy or activism or EMDR or massage or acupuncture or journal writing or friendships or meditation or webinars or seminars or workshops or yoga or exercise.

The healing is an ongoing journey.

Self acceptance. Accepting the ptsd. Accepting me. That is where the healing begins.  I am not bad. I am not guilty. I am human. And like all  my brothers and sisters I have experienced life. some good some bad some very hurtful, damaging and traumatic.

Self love self acceptance.

calling mom in the dark

Those girls on that first sleep over scared me. They talked about other girls who had had sexual experiences with boys. It was at Linda West's house. I didn't really know the girls that were Linda's friends.  I felt like an outsider.

what they talked about about made me very uncomfortable. If they only knew what my brother was doing to me. It confirmed my biggest nightmares. I felt sick to my stomach.  It upset me. I couldn't sleep.

In the middle of the night..in the black of night...on a phone at the top of the stairs I called my mother and said come get me. And she did.

I WAS VERY RELIEVED TO BE AWAY FROM THOSE GIRLS.

I felt afraid.

very very afraid.

status unclear

I feel on a precipice. I have felt like this before. Usually when I am trying to give myself a pep-talk, telling myself that I will be different, that I know how to get thinner, more beautiful, more likeable, earn more money, have nicer clothes, get out of debt, and have a safe retirement.

The idea of a good girl. Clean, sharp, smart and attractive.

And if I don't do all those things then I am a bad girl.

The more aware I become of all the ramifications of events in my life, the more there is the manage. Sometimes the realizations are overwhelming and I have to remind myself not to feel guilty and or embarrassed or ashamed.

Like I think in some weird way, that my fat, my big belly, is me carrying shame and guilt. And when I eat too much I am feeding my shame and believe I am a loser. When I eat healthy and exercise I doing self care and I value myself.

SO many negative messages all day every day. I try and yell stop to myself and change the script in my head but it is difficult, or at least impossible. The memories or the movies as I call them come every single day.

now this 7/1/2016

Late may early july
back in buffalo for the next 5 days for 4th of July weekend holiday.glad to be here with my family and friends. which doesn't begin to really describe them or the feelings of acceptance and love I feel when I am here.

it feels good here. i want to come back. i want to be here, again.

the drive here was full of delays and frustratingly longer. but now that im here its all god. i have hardly seen kate. she works long hours and she looks tired. Poos kid.

the new place has a memory of bayview road and the farmhouse. i think it is the drapes and the sunlight on tree leaves that are the hook. blam i am at the farmhouse.

respond differently

that is a goal, first pause, first response is pause and then respond differently.

that is going better. I was tested quite a bit in buffalo but i was for the most part calm and kind. came back yesterday and stayed pretty chill all day. i am responding differently, a lot differently.

i am an artist again after a very long break away from what i truly love..performance

back to brigadoon

driving back to a2 today.

yesterday i quit therapy. done for the summer, im on a summer sabbatical from therapy. i associate therapy with having disorder that i have to fix...but i am probably in the better place, a more accepting place. im tired, no im  exhausted. so a vacation is in order.

no energy

June 3 was my last entry it is now June 23...did the dyke march exhaust me that much? I was having energy issues before the beginning of June and the fatigue seems to be getting worse. I have little energy for anything beyond essentials and even then sometimes not.

I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.

Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good.  Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.

I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people

I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no

I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right

I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.