turning sixty

had a very good discussion with Alison yesterday. i was present during my session, a plus in value as these sessions go. let me see if i can reconstruct it here. we talked about K and her desire to throw me a party and why she is so invested in being in charge of that. Instead of saying to me okay mom I want to throw u a party what do you want? she tells me -being a lil bit of a bully- that she is throwing me a party-and she has it all worked out. I am resistant and i just figured out why-she wants to revisit the past and that is too painful for me. but i haven't told her that-i just tell her no because i haven't decided what i want-but i am definitely against the idea of her being in charge of it.

as age 59 comes to an end and 60 looms closer- it feels like many doors and windows are closing. as i look back over my life i see that i spent many years working on the collective - activism for others which was also for me but was about the collective group benefits-women's rights victim rights gay rights etc...i was busy ignoring my own future needs for security .. then at 50 i started a healing journey of self when i left bflo. and my bohemian life style. a job with benefits that could help me address my health issues-and then the cancer battle for so many years-and then reversing the obesity and diabetes.

i fear K wants to go back and recreate what was the best part of my life with her party for me-and it would be too painful-there is a real loss there for me and it would be too painful to go back-because one cannot go back-

and i am missing the value here by not letting go of all that- by constantly looking back and remembering that which is gone-and because the value in my current life does not resemble what i am familiar with i don't see it. in fact -worse- i don't see any value now in my life -i don't recognize my own worth in my life as it exists now.

in the past my search for others illuminating myself back to me and actually getting that made me believe that was the only way i could see my value my soul or illumination-was from the larger group and literally their  applause and admiration. now alone here in my life the illumination is not reflected back-i have to see and fell what is there on my own...