beautiful day

Beautiful day.

I feel good because of all the fun I had at home rearranging furniture, and cleaning at a zen level. Fun. I have such fun doing that. I don't know if my mother loved it but she did it as well. I would come home from school and the house would be in disarray and the furniture all moved into new positions.

I cleaned my diffuser. I cleaned it so hard I broke it and need a new one.  I washed the shower curtain, I bleached the bottom of the shower, I cleaned out the cabinet under the sink and found the source of the leak, I got rid of my bedroom clutter and so on and so on. Oh and I might be buying a used desk tonight that I found on Craig's list.

And not one time during that entire day did I feel traumatized or angry or afraid. I just felt good.

And to not have those thoughts and feelings and enjoy what I am doing in the moment is FUN for me.

And today when I woke up I got pleasure from the new layout of the furniture, and it very well may be my new favorite. I feel that I was very productive yesterday and I like the results.

Then this morning when I stepped outside it was a beautiful day. Perfect weather.

decision

Words of Wisdom: Decision
"If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda.
Once you make any decision, it works around that decision.
There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience."

- Deepak Chopra

good day

Made progress on various frontiers today work and home.
Trying to buy a desk. Might have actually found one. Maybe. Smile
Did some work tasks. Working on a Sat. but the important part is that I got some work done that I wanted to et done.Treated myself to a spa treatment.

But yesterday ...yesterday ...was a very special day.

Yesterday I stepped back, took deep breaths, and listened to others. Trusted others and allowed myself to be vulnerable with Robby, who wanted to make sure I was ok, well more than ok, as did Suma. Good friends.Yesterday I learned about myself, allowed myself to hear new information, hear others feelings and thoughts without feeling guilty or bad....and I survived....nothing bad happened.

I feel pretty good.

 I had an episode. A traffic guard on road construction charged my car with his sign because I made a left turn. One traffic guard told me to go and another charged my car when I made the turn. I pulled over jumped out of the car and got into a yelling match with him. Then I thought I lost my wallet and endured ten minuets of erratic panic behavior because I could nt find my wallet. I know I could nt find my wallet because I was in a panic. I found my wallet and recognized what had just transpired. Immediately I recognized it. Got present again. Stayed present. AN episode processed in minutes.

Minutes
Stayed present.

Been a long while

Been a long while since I last wrote anything here. It is Solstice - turn the wheel and return the light from the sun.

I continue to struggle with my depression, and fatigue. I am always tired, except for the occasion when I risk it and drink too much coffee, then I am buzzed.  I have some good news in that my doc told me my sugar levels are coming down and I have been doing a good job of taking my meds and consuming less sugar.

Yesterday I needed shots again already for the eczema on my hands.

I am contemplating joining SGI Buddhist. I have been to one meeting, and learned the chant. I am not good at daily practice but I am making an effort. Part of my constant search for what ails me. Never stop trying. That must be the Scot in me, reminds me of Dad. I have been missing him more than usual. I think about him every day. But since the election results I think of him more. His work and life so dedicated to the working class, putting bread and milk on peoples tables. He predicted this mess we are in now, the night Regan was elected president.  Unfortunately he was correct, he usually was.  When he was the age I am now he demonstrated against the Vietnam war with the SDS students at UB. He inspires me every day.

Anyway I have been thinking about things I could do for fun. I do not do that. I am not even sure what it would be. I dream of horse back riding. That would be so much fun. Riding a bike would be fun. My back prohibits both.  Sledding is another. Also no way because of my back. I need to figure this out. I do not take vacations or travel. Money prohibits that as well...I should take my tax refund and do something fun. But there is credit card debt to pay. I dream often of playing the lottery and paying off my debt.  I suppose I have the company of millions on that dream.

What else do I dream about?

Being thin. Which I try to rephrase as... Being healthy. Changing careers.  I wish I had studied to be a therapist or had found a way to stay in theatre and make a living wage. It has always been like I must have subconsciously decided I didn't deserve it or I wasn't good enough.

That's what I dream of being good enough and having more fun.

fragile post trip

Just came back from trip home for four days. It was difficult. I was pretty unsatisfied and very unhappy with it. Nothing went as planned. I went with the flow, but the disappointment remains. I smoked. I was absent for most of it, like I like to do, when I am there. And I ate everything in site. Like filling a cavern that was limitless. Re injured my right shoulder as well which is kicking me with pain.  Now back and feeling like crap the tears came this morning like rain.  And I want to call it quits. Quits at work quits at life. I know this feeling will pass as it always does, but having the regular cycle of it as a burden is exhausting. Exhausting. Something nice will happen to me, a friend or some achievement at work and I will perk up. Like I do. I need a tree bath or  a walk in the woods.  My physical strength is low. The lowest I ever remember it being. That adds to the problem.  Being negative will not help. I need to be more positive. I feel fragile, but I believe I could find strength in writing. To keep writing is to keep healing and externalizes the pain. Even if only to myself and the blank page.

Saturday morning love

Fond and vivid memories of Saturday mornings. Welcome memories that give me a good feeling.The free day of the week when I explored my world and stopped living in the work week and best was I was with Kate all day long. It was cleaning day too, which meant I got to wipe away the past week, make it bright and clean to welcome the next week. Always preparing to move forward even if it was only the next 5 days. The morning chores done released me  into the world for coop shopping, second hand shop shopping, and the book store. Walking into the book store my shoulders dropped, I dropped my vigilance for the world and I took my first breath of new book fragrance. Sometimes I broke into a smile as I stepped in and that fragrance hit me. Still happens. Sections I sought out were women fiction writers, feminist theory and healing through words, and books about writing and making  theatre and plays and poetry books. Books about women who made shit happen, women who were sexual and smart and funny and their own captains. If i was feeling rich I would buy books and maybe a new pair of earring from a small gift shop. Kate and I would go to lunch and before smart phones, we would draw with crayons on the paper place mats or talk to each other.  Sometimes we went to coffee shops to get good coffee for me and hot sweet chocolate with whipped cream for Kate. Afternoons laying in bed together or alone reading books, laying on top of the bed covering, perfect for naps. Afternoon chores could be a special house project or make art or a trip to the laundromat. A place pretty good as a dream killer. I always brought a book. Home cooked dinner because there was time to make dinner with patience.  Try a new recipe. All the time in the world. No need to rush, all the time in the world because its Saturday. It is not lost on me that Francie describes similar feelings and descriptions of Saturdays of strong coffee and good books.(A Tree Grows in Brooklyn) My favorite childhood book.

“Dear God," she prayed, "let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere - be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost.”
― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

full moon

Full moon gives me hope. A symbol that the world is full of possibilities. Bounty, opportunity, beauty and magic. And my prayer to the full moon this morning was gratitude for the good fortune I experience every day through continuing to grow my self acceptance and compassion and learning to pause and respond differently. As the moon wanes I will continue to let go of anger, harsh self judgement, over reacting, guilt, and denying myself my dreams and desires. Let go of negative thoughts being foremost in my thoughts.

Sunday morning outside the coffee shop

Nice weekend so far. No substances. No restaurant eating. Cooked food at home. Worked out yesterday, well should say went to the gym I am not quite working out yet. But I have moved on from 15 minutes to 30 minutes in both the pool and on the nu step and from level1 to level 2 on the nu step.


Apt pretty clean and most errands done. Today I get to go to work when no one is there and finish some work I need uninterrupted quiet for. Then go for a swim.

Town is quiet and it is not hot. I am grateful. It is that special time of year when people are away getting in their final vacations before school year starts, no festivals, no tourists, the students have not yet returned. A person does not stand in line or look for parking space. Life is good.


I'm outside at my favorite coffee spot. Loving that first sip when my coffee connects to my soul ... I'm drinking the good stuff. I feel rich.

Last night around midnight the cats and I were awakened by the sound of a shrew being killed. Damn those critters can make a noise. We all lifted our heads at the same time, as if to hear the noise better, and when it stopped we put our heads back down like a chorus line.

Got my results from the stress test. All good.  Still looking to relieve this exhaustion and find its root cause. Energy levels are better. Maybe it was all the wine I was drinking combined with no coffee or meat. Wine out, coffee and meat back in my diet.

Shells

Wrote the following on my phone May 31 and finally got around to sending it to my blog diary.

I have two shells and I'm trying to reverse them from where they've always lived in my body or on my body. Maybe I've changed the outer shell and it now feels like one of those paper flowers disk flowers there I can't remember what they're called it really popular when I was a kid and they're very frail and you can see through them and they're white and they're a little rough there not completely smooth but in places they are very smooth that's the outer shell (Lunaria annua) but inside inside I have this iron coded Center that is Unbreakable. Things passing cars would to yell at me -Have another donut- OR my dad saying "I think the problem is that you are like your mother very much like your mother." From Kate "you're going to die a lonely old woman"

It's an American belief that transformation is just around the next corner. Maybe a new place to live a new job a new car or for those less about possessions maybe yoga maybe wellbutrin meditation pot gardening veganism Ppl seem frail precious brittle want risk free lives and safety all the time. I fucking resent it. Safety?

believe

I believe I can have a better, safer and happier life.

I believe that I can be healthier and improve my physical ability. Self care first. Taking my sugar levels, eating healthy, exercising. And I have been doing this consistently.

I do feel better. I have more energy. I was really scared for a while. No energy and so sluggish but putting more protein and coffee back into my diet has helped. I have a stress test on Fri-tomorrow.

How I respond to my ptsd episodes is very important to my ability to have a better life.How I look at my life and the days already lived is also very important. Stopping the bad thoughts.

And fun....

Meeting friends out for drinks and dinner seems it. I need more. Swimming for me is big fun. Going to the theatre and to concerts is big fun. Hangin with Sarah.  Directing.

When I was a kid it was traveling through the woods exploring nature. Swimming. Being around the horses. Making art and writing. But they all seem so solitary. Playing cards-pinochle was so much fun long ago.

I stay away from the group efforts at work. Feel too self conscious I think, all that comparison thinking going on....and not feeling safe.

There is a women's dance in Lansing on Sat and I am considering going. Its an hour and 18 mins away.

I do feel like I am getting some traction lately, doing more and feeling better. Not drinking a bottle of wine every night-that has stopped-and the binge eating. I am trying to be more aware of the hooks that push me over into the binges which I do to change the bad feelings. But the bad feelings are like a close friend-hard to lose-hard to abandon. Like a close friend sometimes you just accept and say pk but I am going to have a good time anyway and sometimes you say i cant take it and i am going to do something to not feel bad. It a cycle and I have to break it.

maybe that's why

the days of my life already lived.....

i had a new thought about my history of relationships. maybe i said yes just so I could say no. making up for all the years i was powerless and could not say no.  maybe i am just learning now that i can say no without having to say yes first. mag may have taught this to me. i knew not to say yes, i had plenty of clues, concerns worries, fear even of her. i recognized her false sense of herself. i saw through the charm. and i was tired of being alone doing everything for myself and by myself and i wanted love. i said yes. ....knowing I could say no. but...if i knew i could say no eventually, then y say yes at all? ok to risk to be vulnerable I know...but maybe I say yes so i can say no and take back my power. maybe standing in the sea foam green bathroom and saying no, saying go away NO! was a powerful memory that i enjoy reliving...

Here's the deal

I am not a bad person. And for whatever time I have left at this point in my life I will live in a cocoon of self love and self acceptance.

From this point on I will stop the bad thoughts and focus on the good ones.

figuring it out

I see me. That is me. Female child alone holding a beast. Looks like she is accustomed to holding him, despite his size, weight, wart covered hide, sharp, horns, talons and teeth. He could rip her apart, but she holds her gaze, looking straight ahead into the eyes of those who behold her. She looks strong. Capable. Her gaze draws in more than the beast she holds. She hopes you see her and not the beast. Is she protecting the beast? It is not a familiar image except to those of us who recognize ourselves.