believe

I believe I can have a better, safer and happier life.

I believe that I can be healthier and improve my physical ability. Self care first. Taking my sugar levels, eating healthy, exercising. And I have been doing this consistently.

I do feel better. I have more energy. I was really scared for a while. No energy and so sluggish but putting more protein and coffee back into my diet has helped. I have a stress test on Fri-tomorrow.

How I respond to my ptsd episodes is very important to my ability to have a better life.How I look at my life and the days already lived is also very important. Stopping the bad thoughts.

And fun....

Meeting friends out for drinks and dinner seems it. I need more. Swimming for me is big fun. Going to the theatre and to concerts is big fun. Hangin with Sarah.  Directing.

When I was a kid it was traveling through the woods exploring nature. Swimming. Being around the horses. Making art and writing. But they all seem so solitary. Playing cards-pinochle was so much fun long ago.

I stay away from the group efforts at work. Feel too self conscious I think, all that comparison thinking going on....and not feeling safe.

There is a women's dance in Lansing on Sat and I am considering going. Its an hour and 18 mins away.

I do feel like I am getting some traction lately, doing more and feeling better. Not drinking a bottle of wine every night-that has stopped-and the binge eating. I am trying to be more aware of the hooks that push me over into the binges which I do to change the bad feelings. But the bad feelings are like a close friend-hard to lose-hard to abandon. Like a close friend sometimes you just accept and say pk but I am going to have a good time anyway and sometimes you say i cant take it and i am going to do something to not feel bad. It a cycle and I have to break it.