Been a long while

Been a long while since I last wrote anything here. It is Solstice - turn the wheel and return the light from the sun.

I continue to struggle with my depression, and fatigue. I am always tired, except for the occasion when I risk it and drink too much coffee, then I am buzzed.  I have some good news in that my doc told me my sugar levels are coming down and I have been doing a good job of taking my meds and consuming less sugar.

Yesterday I needed shots again already for the eczema on my hands.

I am contemplating joining SGI Buddhist. I have been to one meeting, and learned the chant. I am not good at daily practice but I am making an effort. Part of my constant search for what ails me. Never stop trying. That must be the Scot in me, reminds me of Dad. I have been missing him more than usual. I think about him every day. But since the election results I think of him more. His work and life so dedicated to the working class, putting bread and milk on peoples tables. He predicted this mess we are in now, the night Regan was elected president.  Unfortunately he was correct, he usually was.  When he was the age I am now he demonstrated against the Vietnam war with the SDS students at UB. He inspires me every day.

Anyway I have been thinking about things I could do for fun. I do not do that. I am not even sure what it would be. I dream of horse back riding. That would be so much fun. Riding a bike would be fun. My back prohibits both.  Sledding is another. Also no way because of my back. I need to figure this out. I do not take vacations or travel. Money prohibits that as well...I should take my tax refund and do something fun. But there is credit card debt to pay. I dream often of playing the lottery and paying off my debt.  I suppose I have the company of millions on that dream.

What else do I dream about?

Being thin. Which I try to rephrase as... Being healthy. Changing careers.  I wish I had studied to be a therapist or had found a way to stay in theatre and make a living wage. It has always been like I must have subconsciously decided I didn't deserve it or I wasn't good enough.

That's what I dream of being good enough and having more fun.