next....

what words do i put together in a sentence to make me not guilty and ashamed about my life? i am looking for those words.  if you find them send them to me please. i could stop looking and start rehearsing what I am going to say and how. i gotta find the words. here they are in no particular order

incest
conditioning
secrets
cock
piss
both of my brothers put their cocks in my mouth when I was no more than 5 or 6 years old.
one was hostile and one was gentle
at first innocent and nice and comforting only a back rub and a nap
on top of the red corduroy bedspread
next it was my bedroom
and sucking cock
dont tell
dad wont love you anymore
threats
over and over and over and over for years and years
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9 years
5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13 age

escaped to safety of grier
all girl
classmates asked me about sex
i had information
no one ever asked how i knew stuff
but they knew that i did
ginny knew
i told her why i was at grier
she took me to myron
you are not a whore.
sophomore year  I said no
from behind a closed and locked door I said no
first time I protected myself

also escaped out my bedroom window and into the woods
woods will embrace you and  make you feel so not alone.
i was escaping mom
alone with mom in the afternoon
yelling pushing more yelling hitting chasing door slamming and locking
stay out get away from me

sex  like playing doctor in the woods w boys and girls my own age

the martino boys from across the street
saw me run upstairs take off all my clothes and come back downstairs to show off
i was under 7 yrs of age
and i have absolutely no memory of it 
already conditioned

to impress my babysitter, a real teenager, I showed her my brother's playboy magazine collection.
 
raped at gunpoint
open window
he had been watching me
he washed dishes at a restaurant i frequented
told me not to make any noise
kate was asleep next to me
i covered her head with blanket so she wouldn't see anything
i did exactly what I was told to do
and my daughter and I lived










gun
open window

thread

Edited on Monday morning March 30, 2015


I'm going to put the thread through the eye of this needle and sew the seams together until the story is written.

 The new tat. The word worthy was the first thought and then my tree bliss .. like most tats this one has a story.  Worthy is what all of work with Dalton is about. I went to her because of a broken heart and stayed to work on changing how I think of myself. I'd rather walk in the woods and trees make me happy. As a child and young adult I would run into the woods, feeling safe and protected by the dense woods that surrounded me and embraced me. My first woods was on the farm, on the other side of the pasture was woods and the 18 mile creek. I had a tarzan rope on the tree overhanging the creek and spent hundreds of hours simple swinging from one side of the creek to the other and back. Mostly by myself. I was no more than 7 and I knew every inch of those woods. My next woods were from the back of the new house on Oakridge, to Burkwart's farm on McKinley. The two woods were actually all the same one that ran behind the farms and houses on Clark all the way to Bayview. When traveling I first notice the presence of trees in my new surroundings.So i combined the two and the result is the new tat. Afterwards Emery pointed out the resemblance to the michfest tree...and I can see that now...but was not my intention.

just home from bflo. went home for dyke march gathering at Robbie's. we had a blast. I had a very nice vacation...got my haircut by Michael, visited paradise wines, public coffee space at hotel Lafayette, west side market, positively main street where i bought an orange scarf for me and range socks for Kate. Spent a lil time with Garland and Nancy, Ro, Rika and Hilda, and Kate and met Jane. Not enough time with Terence. I spent most of my time with Kate and we had a really great time with each other.
I stayed at Kate's on Friday night, and this is what she left for me as a Sat morning greeting.
Very thoughtful. Sunday we went to services at Bflo UU. Kate wanted to reclaim the space and leave some of her grief and hurt there.I gots lots of hugs and loving while home and it felt wonderful.

And the gathering was a smashing success. Back in Ann Arbor now and back to my routines, and good eating and exercising. Back on the good foot.
Starting back on my various already started projects throughout the house...another version of organizing the sock drawer but on a bigger scale. This time I am tackling reorganization of all CDs. three decades of journals, saved personal notes and letters, so basically shrink the memory box down to a sustainable size. I need to finish the furniture reorg and clean my car out.Then I will feel better. It's like a ritual for me this reorganization of the "stuff" But this time I hope it is to support my writing my story, rewriting it, and writing it again until I feel right about the words.

stress

stress
only recently have i begun to understand how very stressed I am. an opening to my own vulnerability is allowing me to see it and feel it. i have a lot of stress, it is a constant. and food is an elixir for the stress. my self love attempts around food....i have to replace that elixir with something else that will help me calm down. i have been making conscious attempts at self love to calm down and talk myself out of feeling stressed all the time.but i need more.

 it is clear to me that committing to developing a meditation practice would be of great benefit to my overall well being. I have suffered long enough. I am worthy of having a life that I envision for myself  that gives me joy .. I am going to start following MY bliss...theatre. makes me most happy

this past weekend in Gregory i began to feel justified in my hurt feelings around Mag. that morning i did a walking meditation around the pond with the trees and the birds and then later that day i felt a lift of the guilt and a dropping of the anger and there she was ..my vulnerability ... she let me feel hurt by mag. it was fleeting but it was there.

mag was dishonest. she fabricated the truth. she manipulated me from the start. she or rather a version of herself...was campaigning to be liked. the one that really says it..she lied about having all her teeth. silly right? but she did. presented a myth of herself. she lied about her mom's house, her motorcycle, her "maybe" heart attack. i was right i had every right to ask her to leave the way i did. i must remember that and how much she let me down and hurt me.

and oh yeah the sex. it was not good. the kissing...not good. she could be insistent about her kissing and her demands for sex.made me very uncomfortable and decreased my attraction to her.

why did i let her in..in the first place knowing better?
loneliness
fear
not thinking enough of myself

next time every time every day I will hear me I will hear me

for three weeks I  have been eating ate healthy and I exercised three times a week, stayed away from pot,  I took my meds and tested my sugar twice every day. see Wyckoff on Monday and this time feel good about it. I had been cancelling appointments. avoiding her. got back to her last month ...chose courage over comfort and in a better place.

talk to sara today and see dalton today and get tattoo. big day. travel to bflo tomorrow. happiness.

last week after my dalton session i was feeling briefly Oh I Know This..i loose myself in the activism it makes me feel good and it takes away my unbearable weariness. don't want to loose my personal work in my political work but actually think personal work is stronger when i am in my activism, it is like a grounding that gives me footing to see things-needs balance between the two...sustainable activism...

writing and rewriting my story

my decision to find a way to go to grier was self love
my decision to tell ginny was self love and going to myron was self love
my decision to tell dad was self love
my decision to run into the woods was self love
and i was good at choosing who to tell and who not to tell also self love
all of these decisions got me to here. i survived
activism as single parent, sexual assault, queer

need to set goals with dalton

follow my bliss theatre
 and all the people involved to get it to me
not eating in front of television
cultivating a garden of cilantro
walking meditation
observance of self   

gratitude journal

realize

I talked to chris h. Took her two weeks to return my call. It was a frustrating conversation for me, and maybe for her. I felt there were more things she was not saying than she was saying. She kept not completing her sentences, and cutting off mine. Holding back and judging. m not taking in the judgement I heard. It will only block from getting to my won feelings.. I keep thinking about Keck's unreasonable judgement of people, including chris, and feel sad that it was Keck's  hurt child self talking.  I did find out that Keck had been diagnosed with cancer, and most likely was the prompt for the suicide. She had made a treatment plan that was to start the next day or so and a childhood friend was flying in to be with Keck...she was the one who called the police who found her. chris is getting the plaque and plans on doing something in Oct. and she promised to include me, took my email. I don't exactly feel welcome but if invited i will attend.

Spring in Gregory

I will hear me and I am worthy

if i hear me i honor my worthiness.

i have hauled out all of my journals. divided them by decade and looked through some. i have been doing the same work for a long time, saying and thinking and feeling the same feelings for years. struggle upon struggle. it has been a journey and i will try to not judge myself for how long it has taken me to get to where i am today.

i have been making conscious attempts to calm down and not overact or go to the negative place or immediately think something bad has or will happen. trying to find safety of self without thinking the whole world is against me or out to get me. those are old feelings from a time and place when i was abused. i am no longer abused except for the abuse i lay on myself when i don't take care of myself.

by practicing gratitude i can honor what Liz  lost by taking her own life.

the work on the dyke march has lifted me. because it is soulful work and reconnecting with people who know me has been very good. reminds me of how important my activism is.

i have not given myself moments of joy or happiness or play. i have been on alert on guard at a my post looking for what or who might want to get me and hurt me. also old feelings. never take vacations.

say i don't have the time or money or whats the point. but now i think it was i didn't believe i deserved a vacation it was too selfish and i so identified with my work that i just keep working.afraid to go away and leave myself exposed, that what would they think if they only knew shit.

why did i not hear myself why did i not walk away from mag when i was telling myself to walk away? everyone was so happy for me. i took that as they r all so worried about me being alone and want more for me. ok but not this woman ...because i was lonely and the attention made me feel wanted after maggie's rejection...because I heard Dalton in a way where i was trying to please her because i want her to like me..i gotta get rid of that. i shouldn't care whether or not the therapist likes me i am not there to please her but to heal myself. 

moving forward

3/16/2015


working out, lower sugars

and shifting in my view feelings of self making me anxious. choosing courage over comfort trying to sit with anxiety and gain knowledge from it.

I will hear me. my gut told me to walk away from mag. I ignored that. Next I will hear me.

working on a tattoo to remember this moment in my life when i have chosen to rewrite my story and raise my voice...

Ali and all that I miss so much

3/12/2015

I miss being surrounded by dykes. Surrounded and part of a tribe, experiencing a sense of belonging. Last night I captured that for a brief amount of time and I was so charged by it, I could not sleep when I got home. Accomplished a bunch of stuff I had been avoiding. Felt inspired.

Yesterday Dalton told me she has always hoped I would write a book about my life. I have always wanted to do that. But I stop myself after the dreaming. I imagine it, see it and hope that others can know they are not alone.

I remember my first trip to lesbian archives in Brooklyn and how rummaging through boxes and finding myself in the faces and lives of others and how it elevated me, moved me, inspired me. Thank you Joan Nestle.

Ali Liebegott spoke last night at EMU and it was such a kick for me to be with her. I love her. She said I moved to San Francisco to be a dyke and a writer. She did what I always dreamed of. Instead I stayed put where I was planted and embraced my own dyke community and created HAG. I miss it.

illuminate

yesterday i gave effort to illuminating my desires...

it started with changing an answer. i always have said i would never kill myself because of what it would do to my daughter. true. but also i would not do it because i have worked so hard for so long to heal my traumas. because of my many close friendships that have sustained me for years. because in my darkest moments i have always found a way to reach out and continue. i wouldn't do it because i am resilient. in some fortunate way i have a combination of strength, and bravery that acts like a rudder and propels me forward into my days. i still believe i can find joy beyond a bag of potato chips and a joint. i wouldn't do it because i have had the chances and turned away.

i know
that practicing gratitude will honor what Liz lost by killing herself.
that she had every right to end her suffering.

that i have things i want to do
that i have a new story to write
that if i can learn to be vulnerable the words for the new story will come

Of note...

I have to say that I am shocked. Shocked at what I have forgotten or cannot remember that I did or what I was to have done and didn't. Then like a tidal wave it comes rushing to the front of your brain and you freeze. Or you see something on your calendar and have absolutely NO memory of having actually attended the meeting. Panic. I panic. Like how could I phucking forget that? I used to be the one with the long memory. Not anymore.

I am missing Mag. That surprises me, but I am also remembering more of her as she was at the beginning, or rather how we were together. It was very nice for a minute. The truth is I was never completely comfortable with her. I resisted her. I didn't find her incredibly sexually attractive. There was some sort of weirdness with her that I have not yet completely resolved or understood. I think she lied about our first night together. Why did I not pay attention to that?

Tell Dalton (therapist) the obvious which you are not telling her.

I am very upset about Keck's suicide.  I keep crying.  I keep seeing her in her kitchen. She has the gun in her hand and she is pointing it at her own heart. And she is so very unhappy and scared. And I get so freaked as I imagine her pulling it, because she did. I wonder about the care takers and what they ignored or failed to see. I wonder about her meds. Who was watching her?  And then I get scared for me, because we have so much in common. Liz killed herself and she had ptsd, so do I. She was 60 and she did it. So never too old to commit suicide.

feel like crap

and i must like it that way. I'm  on a binge, a classic, giant, old school ice cream potato chip hamburger and fries, snickers bars food binge. Very old behavior. And a roll me another joint wake and bake pot binge. It feels horribly wonderful.  Sipping coffee and smoked my first joint. I have put on 12 pounds in two weeks. and today is Sunday and  no work. Today I'm down to my last joint. Thank goodness. Today I return to the land of the present.

The present, where Liz Keck no longer lives because she killed herself. Shot herself in the heart. So very sad. PTSD sufferer. I understand. You just don't want to feel anything anymore. Liz talked about how scared she was, she worried a lot about money, felt very alone.  We had a ton of fun together, we played and played the silliest games but we had a ton of fun. Keck was sweet and kind. But then Julie died and we all changed. Death changes everything. Keck began to run hot and cold, and she struggled, really struggled with the challenges of her life...this is what can happen, in an easy minute after years of pain and remorse. You just decide and then you pull the trigger and kill the pain.

I must unburden myself of my own sorrow, It saps all my energy all my best vibes and blackens them into self harm like now. Sugar out of control, stiff and sore from no exercise, fat. Yesterday I ate a whole bag of mini snickers bars.

Back to Brene Brown...i  have kept myself alive by friendship and connections.I have kept myself alive journal-ing and writing and creating and always seeking the larger kinder truth.

Going to get me some of that today.