I will hear me and I am worthy

if i hear me i honor my worthiness.

i have hauled out all of my journals. divided them by decade and looked through some. i have been doing the same work for a long time, saying and thinking and feeling the same feelings for years. struggle upon struggle. it has been a journey and i will try to not judge myself for how long it has taken me to get to where i am today.

i have been making conscious attempts to calm down and not overact or go to the negative place or immediately think something bad has or will happen. trying to find safety of self without thinking the whole world is against me or out to get me. those are old feelings from a time and place when i was abused. i am no longer abused except for the abuse i lay on myself when i don't take care of myself.

by practicing gratitude i can honor what Liz  lost by taking her own life.

the work on the dyke march has lifted me. because it is soulful work and reconnecting with people who know me has been very good. reminds me of how important my activism is.

i have not given myself moments of joy or happiness or play. i have been on alert on guard at a my post looking for what or who might want to get me and hurt me. also old feelings. never take vacations.

say i don't have the time or money or whats the point. but now i think it was i didn't believe i deserved a vacation it was too selfish and i so identified with my work that i just keep working.afraid to go away and leave myself exposed, that what would they think if they only knew shit.

why did i not hear myself why did i not walk away from mag when i was telling myself to walk away? everyone was so happy for me. i took that as they r all so worried about me being alone and want more for me. ok but not this woman ...because i was lonely and the attention made me feel wanted after maggie's rejection...because I heard Dalton in a way where i was trying to please her because i want her to like me..i gotta get rid of that. i shouldn't care whether or not the therapist likes me i am not there to please her but to heal myself.