only recently have i begun to understand how very stressed I am. an opening to my own vulnerability is allowing me to see it and feel it. i have a lot of stress, it is a constant. and food is an elixir for the stress. my self love attempts around food....i have to replace that elixir with something else that will help me calm down. i have been making conscious attempts at self love to calm down and talk myself out of feeling stressed all the time.but i need more.
it is clear to me that committing to developing a meditation practice would be of great benefit to my overall well being. I have suffered long enough. I am worthy of having a life that I envision for myself that gives me joy .. I am going to start following MY bliss...theatre. makes me most happy
this past weekend in Gregory i began to feel justified in my hurt feelings around Mag. that morning i did a walking meditation around the pond with the trees and the birds and then later that day i felt a lift of the guilt and a dropping of the anger and there she was ..my vulnerability ... she let me feel hurt by mag. it was fleeting but it was there.
mag was dishonest. she fabricated the truth. she manipulated me from the start. she or rather a version of herself...was campaigning to be liked. the one that really says it..she lied about having all her teeth. silly right? but she did. presented a myth of herself. she lied about her mom's house, her motorcycle, her "maybe" heart attack. i was right i had every right to ask her to leave the way i did. i must remember that and how much she let me down and hurt me.
and oh yeah the sex. it was not good. the kissing...not good. she could be insistent about her kissing and her demands for sex.made me very uncomfortable and decreased my attraction to her.
why did i let her in..in the first place knowing better?
loneliness
fear
not thinking enough of myself
for three weeks I have been eating ate healthy and I exercised three times a week, stayed away from pot, I took my meds and tested my sugar twice every day. see Wyckoff on Monday and this time feel good about it. I had been cancelling appointments. avoiding her. got back to her last month ...chose courage over comfort and in a better place.
talk to sara today and see dalton today and get tattoo. big day. travel to bflo tomorrow. happiness.
last week after my dalton session i was feeling briefly Oh I Know This..i loose myself in the activism it makes me feel good and it takes away my unbearable weariness. don't want to loose my personal work in my political work but actually think personal work is stronger when i am in my activism, it is like a grounding that gives me footing to see things-needs balance between the two...sustainable activism...
writing and rewriting my story
my decision to find a way to go to grier was self love
my decision to tell ginny was self love and going to myron was self love
my decision to tell dad was self love
my decision to run into the woods was self love
and i was good at choosing who to tell and who not to tell also self love
all of these decisions got me to here. i survived
activism as single parent, sexual assault, queer
need to set goals with dalton
follow my bliss theatre
and all the people involved to get it to me
not eating in front of television
cultivating a garden of cilantro
walking meditation
observance of self
gratitude journal
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