next....

what words do i put together in a sentence to make me not guilty and ashamed about my life? i am looking for those words.  if you find them send them to me please. i could stop looking and start rehearsing what I am going to say and how. i gotta find the words. here they are in no particular order

incest
conditioning
secrets
cock
piss
both of my brothers put their cocks in my mouth when I was no more than 5 or 6 years old.
one was hostile and one was gentle
at first innocent and nice and comforting only a back rub and a nap
on top of the red corduroy bedspread
next it was my bedroom
and sucking cock
dont tell
dad wont love you anymore
threats
over and over and over and over for years and years
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9 years
5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13 age

escaped to safety of grier
all girl
classmates asked me about sex
i had information
no one ever asked how i knew stuff
but they knew that i did
ginny knew
i told her why i was at grier
she took me to myron
you are not a whore.
sophomore year  I said no
from behind a closed and locked door I said no
first time I protected myself

also escaped out my bedroom window and into the woods
woods will embrace you and  make you feel so not alone.
i was escaping mom
alone with mom in the afternoon
yelling pushing more yelling hitting chasing door slamming and locking
stay out get away from me

sex  like playing doctor in the woods w boys and girls my own age

the martino boys from across the street
saw me run upstairs take off all my clothes and come back downstairs to show off
i was under 7 yrs of age
and i have absolutely no memory of it 
already conditioned

to impress my babysitter, a real teenager, I showed her my brother's playboy magazine collection.
 
raped at gunpoint
open window
he had been watching me
he washed dishes at a restaurant i frequented
told me not to make any noise
kate was asleep next to me
i covered her head with blanket so she wouldn't see anything
i did exactly what I was told to do
and my daughter and I lived










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